Farewell to Inglewood

[the removalists arrived bright and early]
I was excited, at last, moving to Villa Maria! something i had dreamed of for weeks..

[piece, by piece they took the furniture to the truck]

[bit, by bit, they filled the truck with my treasures]

[and emptied the house]
and as the house emptied, I pondered on the magick that was Inglewood.. I realized that the magick was me... and I could take it wherever I go

[leaving nothing much of me, but the words I had painted on the wall...]
the last day as I gardened at Inglewood, it started to rain. was Heaven shedding a tear? wonderful rain, watering the garden as it had since before my time there & it will continue after I move on..

[yes, farewell Inglewood].....
and now I live here : Villa Maria taking a little while to settle in, but I know I will get there....

how hard will it be?

to leave Woodford?
to say goodbye to Inglewood?
to close Tales of Inglewood?

Inglewood has been my heart home for 10yrs. the place where I found out I had cancer and went through treatments. the place where Sophie grew up from a girl of 10 to a young lady of 21- the place where my eldest daughter was married from. *wedding day*
the home which saw the birth of three of my grandsons.
the place where I started to blog at Daily parcels *cleaning timber floors* ..[how did I know back then that I would be needing a recipe for a wooden floor cleaner?]..Daily Parcels was a simple blog..my very first...
my home Inglewood: where I 'met' my online friends, where I lost & grieved for Daisy...
& what will I miss about Inglewood? I will miss the garden, the changing seasons. I will miss the birds: currawongs, choughs and my friend the Magpie with the sore foot. I will miss how the home wraps itself around me every time I walk through the door.

Woodford is a glorious mid mountains village. not much here except a post office. the general store closed years ago. 10 yrs in a life of a village in the mountains is alot these days. the roads have got busier and now there is a highway being built across the way.
the road where I live was once dirt, now it is kerbed and guttered.
next door to Inglewood where once stood a vacant block of land is a new home. *save faeries*
a home where city folk have moved. those kind who use airconditioning instead of wood fires to keep warm.
so much has changed.
what will I miss about Woodford? I will miss seeing a trickle of smoke coming from someone's home in winter time.. I will miss the eccentricity that is Woodford. the climate that is Woodford. I will miss the chilly cold days.. I will miss the mists that Woodford is known for. I will miss the magick of Woodford

and this beautiful blog. the blog where I moved to when Daisy died. where I have bared my heart and soul. .. will be sad to leave.. but it is really the end of this chapter in my life. I have grown alot. still searching, but a soul peace has settled over me. thank God....
[i may be without internet service for a time (dutch husband is organising the disconnection today).. not sure how long.. when I come back, I will be at Villa Maria full time - both online and in real life]

we move on Friday

yes, this Friday, the removalist truck will come and take all the large furniture to Villa Maria. Friday night will be our first night in our new home..

I am at the last of the packing.. you know all those bits that you really don't know if you want to keep or not. so you put them into a pile in the middle of the floor, stepping around and over them. trying to ignore they are there, but all the while knowing you will have to deal with it eventually.

I play on facebook for a little light relief and go to Avis & Bills place for a cup of tea and a break.

My spiritual life is suffering. badly. I am not taking time to sit in silence. I feel completely disconnected from the Divine. I am a mix of emotions - excitement & sadness. But most of all I am tired. absolutely exhausted.

forgive me for not visiting your blogs..

if I don't see you

at the moment, I am overwhelmed. with packing & renovating, cleaning & trying to stay sane amidst chaos.. burning lavender oil but no music because my iPod is down at Villa Maria

I wander around from room to room, trying to find a starting place.. overwhelmed with the mammoth task ahead of me, trying to keep Inglewood tidy so that my mind doesn't feel like a jumble sale... and I am tired. over whelmingly tired.. so if I don't visit.. you will know where to find me... amongst the boxes & tissue paper sound asleep.

[I am still blogging sporadically here.. and at Villa Maria as things get done.. but visiting even more sparsley. for this, I am sorry. *and I found my wedding ring, tucked under a little crevice in my lounge chair.]

tempers run high, lost things ..oh my ~ telling it how it is in my life today.

they say that selling & moving house is one of the top things on the stress list. Right up there with death & divorce. Add to that, renovating.. well as you can imagine, tempers are snapping here.. tension between the gorgeous dutch husband and moi... but they flare and go down just as quickly which is a good thing. But I tell you.. there are moments when I feel like running away. to be by myself.

*sigh* such is life.

a disorganised house with half packed boxes.. stuff in piles to go to the bin. more piles to go to Vinnies and amidst that, I am supposed to keep the housework done. I walk around looking at all I have to pack & wonder why the hell i have all of this stuff. why? why collect bits & bits & bits..

a mother who is ready to move into aged care, but there is a delay. so I have her on the phone every day telling me that her whole life has been disappointment, after disappointment.. and this delay is just another one.. she is used to disappointments.. she never expects anything else. so she tells me.

my head is going to explode.

a 21yr old daughter, who believes she is a princess and thinks that packing and moving is just going to 'happen'.

I look at the garden at Inglewood & wish i could go outside to bury my hands into the earth. But it is freezing [well freezing for Australian standards]..so I stay inside.. still feeling like I want to run away somewhere. to be alone. somewhere sacred, where I can lay on Mother Earth & be enveloped by her earthiness, by her peace & tranquility. hugged by her arms. I imagine a deep forest, where rain is falling gently & the smell of wet leaves... I just want to be there. surrounded by ancient rocks.. anywhere but here in the midst of chaos.

& have lost my wedding ring after taking it off to rub Arnica cream into my poor hands
I could cry.

my first prayer flags ~

in between packing, renovating Villa Maria and tending Inglewood.. I have finally made a start on my prayer flags.. so far I have made two with 2 others half completed. I was going to make 7 but 5 is the number I am to make. .. not sure why but 5 kept popping into my head.

the turtle was the first one I created.. trying to create these in the way of our indigenous people of Australia. my squares are 10" square & I will sew them onto tape to hang in my apple tree

[the fish is my second]

the other thing that I feel I must do is kick start the Earth Healing blog Earth Healing and Nurturing. Unfortunately, I lost the list of participants .. so if you were on my list as an Earth Healer, please email me [I will posting there soon..] ~ as well as creating flags for the Gulf, I have also decided to create one for Mother Earth..

and one more thing.. it looks like we may be moving in about 3 - 4 weeks so you can imagine how busy I am.. finishing the renovation is tiring work, i have aching muscles in my legs from up & down the stairs, my arms are becoming very fit & toned & my back aches dreadfully.. and then we have my mother moving to aged care in the next week or so & it is up to dutch husband I to do that AND we are selling our business.. dutch husband has to finalize over 30yrs of work in 6 weeks... I am trying to visit blogs & I am sorry if I don't get around as often as I usually do... and if I don't get to yours.. give me a prod..

working magick

at Inglewood? ~ my snowdrops are flowering.. lots of lemons, oranges and limes. a list to take cuttings/seeds/& snippets from my garden: welsh onions, borage, feverfew, yarrow, comfrey, nasturtiums, calendula & russian garlic.

but onto the magick..

you know, I didn't think I was doing anything special when I posted the prayer for the Gulf.. nor did I even think that I could be working magick... but it seems I was [well, not me really ~ I was but a tool....] You see, Ruth posted it on her blog let's pray for the Gulf ..

she emailed me to tell me I was working magick..comments on her post:
Love, Love LOVE IT!!! Have sent it on to all my friends and will be recreating with the children tomorrow morning.
&
I belong to the Order of Bards, Ovates & Druids. I have copied your blog entry and posted it on the message board. It could now potentially be seen by 10,000 members!
I made my prayer flags today by gathering ribbons and writing the names of every creature I could think of along their length.
The children have drawn pictures of happy birds and fish on a card which I have laminated and added as a tag.
This is a fabulous idea. Thank you for writing about it.

and Ninnie ~ going through chemo herself for breast cancer.. still took time to sit with her grandchildren to create prayer flags.. Ninnie's prayer flags

so you see... this is really rippling out there.

and as Master Jesus said:

Again, I tell you that if two of you on Earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."

draw a heart around the Gulf.

when I first 'met' Sr.K through blogging, she talked about drawing hearts around people or events.. and I loved that idea.. I began to do the same.. and then I was taken with this blog : RIPPLE sketches & I decided to create a little piece of art along the lines of the Ripple project..

what I did was this: I found an old map of the Gulf [I used an old encyclopedia, but it is easy to find one on the net as well].. drew a heart around the area and then created a collage - postcard size.. I will put it in my Soul Journal along with the Gulf Prayer... magick happens when I do this.. things manifest even if I close that journal and forget about it.. Shakti Gawain calls them treasure maps...

wanna join me in this? draw a heart around the Gulf!!

prayer flags for the gulf ~ create for yourself.

while having a shower this morning.. in gorgeous clean water.. [very much different to the animals & fish in the Gulf at the moment]..

my mind always wanders while showering.. off it goes! i was thinking about the Gulf prayer and how it was being said all over the world...probably one every moment.. constant prayer..and then prayer flags came to mind..

i have been wanting to make some for myself since I had the breast cancer scare [people made them for me all over the world & hung them in their gardens]..

I am going to make a string of 7 flags.. for the poor dolphins, egrets and many other animals & birds that are suffering.. the backgrounds will be in various plain ocean & seaside colours..on each flag a different sea animal or bird will be represented..[I am thinking maybe in an aboriginal style art] and there will be one white flag in the middle on which I am going to write the Gulf prayer ~ the whole string of them will hang them in my garden here at Inglewood.. and every time, the wind blows.. that prayer will be carried off.. when I go to Villa Maria.. I will take them with me..

wanna join me in this? make yourself some prayer flags to hang in the garden, on a tree or on a balcony.. share this on your blog... every prayer flag helps..

PRAYER FOR THE GULF - Dr. Masaru Emoto - Prayer WORKS!!! Let's perform a Miracle!!

the following was taken from Godlike Productions, something I stumbled across while searching for info about the Gulf [I don't normally post things like this, but I feel so strongly about what I read.. we CAN do something.... [I think I might create some art for this]

'We do Know that prayer works and when 1 or more are joined it is stronger. May we use all the ways we can be helpful to help heal the earth and us.'

Dr. Masaru Emoto is the scientist from Japan who has done all the research and publications about the characteristics of water. Among other things, his research revealed that water physically responds to emotions. Dr. Emoto did experiments where words like love and joy were written on bottles of water and other words like hate and anger were written on others. The bottles of water with kind words formed crystals while the bottles with angry words did not. What does it mean? I believe it means that rocks and trees... and even the water out at sea responds to our intentions...
Many people have the predominantly angry emotion when we consider what is happening in the Gulf. And while justified in that emotion, we may be of greater assistance to our planet and its life forms if we sincerely, powerfully and humbly pray the prayer that Dr. Emoto, himself, has proposed.

I am passing this request to people I believe may be willing to participate in this prayer, to set an intention of love and healing that is so large, so overwhelming that we can perform a miracle in the Gulf of Mexico.
We are not powerless. We are powerful.

Our united energy, speaking this prayer daily...multiple times daily...can literally shift the balance of destruction that is happening.We don't have to know how...we just have to recognize that the power of love is greater than any other power active in the Universe today.
Prayer for Gulf ~ A beautiful, meaningful prayer from Godlike Productions:

"I send the energy of love and gratitude to the waters and all living creatures
in the Gulf of Mexico and its surroundings.
To the whales, dolphins, pelicans, fish, shellfish, planktons,
corals, algae ... to ALL living creatures ... I am sorry.
Please forgive me. Thank you.
I Love You."

Please join me in often repeating this Healing Prayer by Dr. Emoto's.
Feel free to send it around the planet [post this on your own blog if you wish]. Lets take charge ... and do our own clean up.!

3 years ago

3yrs ago
Daisy came to visit me in my dreams.. I saw her standing beside my bed as if she was at the beginning of a road, her hair was blowing gently in a wind and she was surrounded by a white mist..
little did I know where that road was taking her.. until I woke and turned on my computer.. reading frantic email after email from friends telling me to go to her blog.. some saying how sorry they were.. and of course, what had happened, was that my best friend, my soul sister, one of my tribe had passed away during the night. I was absolutely gutted.. at that time I was prepared to fly to the funeral.. but looking back, I am so glad that I didn't.. I spoke to her daughter Sweet-Pea on the phone a few times during that week .. grasping at straws trying to make sense of it all.. it was surreal. 3 years have passed..

oneday, i am going to visit Daisy's family at Dene Cottage.. where I will meet her new baby grandson, Oliver.

it has been a long, long grieving process for me and I am still not 'there' yet.. nearly every single day i think of her - sometimes with such a raw grief that it is like yesterday..

a week or so after Daisy died, I stopped blogging at Wednesdays Child and moved to Tales of Inglewood.. where I went through alot of 'morphing' to where I am today. I still miss her many daily emails, I still miss her Sabbat gifts. I just miss knowing she is there... but good always comes from sad.. and I have met other new friends.. and cemented quite a few others to a lovely strong friendship.. and to each and every one who visits here, I say thankyou.. for being here for me when I have needed you.
grieving for Daisy ~ oh god I miss her blog posts

today, I have felt lost and an underlying sadness is in my soul.. I fight that sadness.. but all I feel like doing is sobbing.. I pour a bath and sit, tears trickling down my cheeks.. how long does grief last ?

time out for a little bit of art

according to ancient wisdom.. one must stop to smell the flowers, take time out... and I am doing that amidst packing & renovating ~ blogging is my respite, my time out from all the work that is to be done..

this morning while hanging the washing out on the clothes line.. i did just that.. I bent over and took time with the flowers.. a gorgeous little calendula - a pot marigold, self seeded between bricks and rocks.. oh this so reminded me of Daisy..not sure why.. note to self: must take some seeds for the garden at Villa Maria

the vegies are growing steadily at Inglewood.. celery, leeks, beetroot, peas and lettuce. I most probably won't get to harvest the leeks but might be lucky enough to get some peas and the beets will be ready soon.

remember the doll paper doll swap that I joined in a few weeks back.. well I forgot to show my doll.. she has flown across the sea to a place unknown to me as yet..

I also joined in Janet's 6 x 6 swap and these were finished last night and hopefully be put in the mail this week [among other various packages]..

and then there is my art studio here at Inglewood.. for Judie..

my art desk.. an absolute mess. i do tidy it up, truly I do.. but the creative frenzy starts and well.. this is what happens

I love the door. we found it somewhere once while trawling the renovation yards.. the coloured glass is brilliant. I hope to be able to have doors like this throughout Villa Maria when we eventually get around to renovating that part of the home.. I don't want anything to match. a mis-match hodge-podge magickal place to live.. that will be Villa Maria.

thoughts from today

I love blogging. I really do. at the moment i am living two lives.
one at Inglewood, where I am taking things down from walls much like un-decorating a christmas tree. I wander around my garden, gathering bits - statues, wall plaques, pots & other things that dutch husband and I have collected over the years, and each one holds a memory.. I look at my garden with different eyes, a bittersweet time.. remembering when we first bought the house and all we have done to the garden.. but there is an underlying excitement of course with the life to come at Villa Maria. .. but like I said, it is really like taking decorations down at Christmas time
then I pack it all into my car and take it down to Villa Maria where it sits until I have time to find a home for each and every piece of garden art. what I cannot find a home for will be given away to friends..
Villa Maria, the other part of my life.. where I go each day and renovate.. pulling up carpet, cleaning out cupboards, pruning trees.. [and of course you can read about that at Stories from Villa Maria.....]

today at Woodford we had a frost.. and the oranges will be really sweet, ready to eat.. I will leave some on the tree for the new owners.. I can just imagine their excitement about picking their own fruit.. what a life they have to look forward to!

[I am visiting blogs, as I can ~ trying to run two homes at once and also moving my mother into aged care in the next few weeks, is quite a daunting task.. so if I don't visit please don't think i have forgotten you.. I will be by as I can.. ]

well, it has happened

today, we received an offer on our home Inglewood.. and we accepted. Not exactly what we were asking but with the world market as it is.. we thought it is better to sell than wait .. plus the woman has fallen in love with the home.. and that is all that matters to me...
contracts were exchanged tonight and there is a 10 day cooling off period just incase minds are changed... dutch husband & I have 6 weeks to pack 10yrs of living at Inglewood.. and move it all to Villa Maria.. chooks and all.

today at Inglewood

the real estate agent thanked me for the way I present Inglewood for showing prospective buyers... he just doesn't get it.. I do this kind of thing all the time for myself.

the little finches are back. the winter finches who flit from branch to branch in my garden, disovering insects that have been left exposed by the fallen autumn leaves. a winter finch breakfast delight!

the capsicum have almost finished only one more on the plant that I will use for pizza and then the plant will be left to rest until summer time.. for the new owners of Inglewood whoever they may be.

the bush peas have flowers, the swedes are slow, celery is coming along fine. the lime & lemon trees are heavily laden and the oranges are just about bursting off the tree.. and the tamarillos continue to supply fruit rich with vitamin C.

it is cold but sunny, the washing blows in the breeze. as I clean the bathroom, I can hear the currawongs calling in the distant valley.. my soul sighs with contentment.

winter is here and even St.Francis is kept warm.. a scarf of mine hangs around his neck, while he holds produce from the garden..

[don't forget to check Villa Maria.. I do update that often]

I'm gonna share some art..

a few days ago, I had an urge to paint [and let me say here; I don't paint.. I have dabbled a little but faces or people are not something that i have been taught].. I wanted to do a child-like painting that I had done many years ago while at school.. you know, one of those people with big heads, little legs and colourful clothes.. so I started to paint.. starting with a background of gesso and stenciling etc, etc.. then I used a page from an old encyclopedia to make the face and painted over that with a kind of opal pearl paint. and a funny thing happened as I looked at it.. a face appeared.. the eyes and mouth were there but no nose.. so I played with some brown paint and filled in facial features.. then got going with the hair, dress etc...left it for the night & came back to it after dreaming that I had to collage 'something' to the piece of art work.. so I went through my gatherings of magazine cuttings that I have collected over the years and found a stone rose and a little bird [is it a robin?]... and this is what eventuated from my creative streak:

[it isn't 'perfect' [the crown is crooked among other things] I am my own worst critic.. but I like this piece of art that I created.. the eyes follow me around the room.. very odd]

had an interesting comment on my previous post about selling Inglewood
in part: 'Try to remember, you are selling a roof and walls - not a lifestyle.
Don't take it personally if your taste and ways are not to others liking. This is a business transaction and whoever buys it (even if they are your type of people) will still change things you would never think of. Inglewood will sell when you detach your lifestyle from the house and attach it to Villa Maria. De-clutter and give some one else a blank canvas.'

thankyou Carol C.. [and maybe I am on the defensive here] but unless you have either been here to my home or been following my blog for sometime.. you can't really know that Inglewood IS a lifestyle, not just a house & I cannot detach myself from it until I move - the garden cannot be detached from, it needs to be tended & nurtured & loved, until i leave it ~ our home here is being sold as a mountains cottage which lends itself to the clutter and decorating style & we have been instructed to leave it as is. I totally understand that people will change it when they move in - we always do. we put our stamp on our homes as most people do. Inglewood will sell when it is divine right planning.. not when I detach myself.

[new post at Villa Maria]

don't give up on me..

at the moment.. I am in quiet time.. and I worry that my blogging friends will think I have disappeared and stop visiting Inglewood.. I have been journalling alot.. working through Walking in this World is bringing up alot of things to sift through & also opening up my creative self.. so I am painting and collaging, writing poetry and other such stuff.. and it feels good and is fun.. [I will share when I work up the courage to put that part of myself out here]
And, I have been occupied with a few online workshops..

story telling & collage with True North Arts..

I also joined Barb Kobe's Medicine Doll Workshop

& then joined an online Art community

so you can see that I have been busy, busy ~
working through Julia Cameron book always seems to open up a whole lot of new worlds for me.. and with my work at Villa Maria.. well, life is full.

I will admit I have also been a little in the doldrums with Inglewood still not selling.. it actually saddens me that no-one has come along and fallen in love with the home... I feel as if I have created something that only I like.. with Imagine painted on the wall, the extensive gardens and the eccentricity of the home, have i created an unsellable home? Dutch husband says no.. we made a silly mistake with the real estate agent.. the contract is up soon and we will go to one closer to Woodford .. I am trying so hard to remember that everything is being orchestrated as planned in the Heavens, but sometimes, I feel well.. i guess lost is the word.. does that make sense?
[thanks for not giving up on me xoxo ~ I love that you still come by even though I am not visiting you as much.. I will, I really promise.. but just right now, I must honour my soul]
[there will be a new post at Villa Maria tomorrow - I took photos tonight of some more work we have done]

it's been awhile

it has been awhile, hasn't it? I have been going through a very quiet time.. maybe I am intune with the seasons..but I have been doing alot of inner work & learning quite a few things about myself.. lessons in life, you could say.
we had a lovely few days away & returned home to rain.. and it has been raining on and off ever since.

I have been taking part in a couple of online workshops - True North Arts 'storytelling collage' & have recently joined Barb Kobe's Medicine Doll workshop..as well as working through "Walking in this world" - it may seem alot.. but surprisingly or not, they seem to interlace with each other . I am still in two minds whether to share here or not.. I have learnt that I must trust my own inner guidance on the art work..

while we were away, I was in the company of some amazing trees.. complimentary of Mother Nature..

I went walking one morning and came across this tree.. I just had to take Joe back so I could get a photo of me hugging it. the bark was amazing

I actually gathered some of the fallen bark. it can be used in art work. the Aboriginal people of Australia, used the bark for many of their baskets and in many other ways. it is brilliant.

Goddess Tree. this tree stood out to me, as soon as I saw it.. a lovely, lovely energy

have my blogging days come to an end? I don't know.. I will visit as I can & my posts, well we shall see what happens.

off for a few days

dutch husband & I are off on a little adventure.. riding up the north coast for the weekend..
I have been rather quiet as I have been working through Walking in this World.. & as Julia Cameron tends to do.. stuff has been coming up for me so I am doing a bit of inner work.. have joined the collage workshop as well as a medicine doll workshop with Barb Kobe..

I finally found a naturopath who I am comfortable with.. I had a long session with her today and she is of the school where no supplements are taken but heal yourself with whole foods.. a very positive lady who shares recipes and herbs from her garden with her clients.. I came home with an armful of kaffir lime leaves and quite a few recipe ideas! she also said to make myself a mix of clary sage & geranium essential oils in a carrier oil to rub onto my breasts and ovary areas to help with the night sweats.. and 'ordered' me to do yoga at least 3 times a week.. [she is yet another butterfly in my life now.. very compassionate and warm.. just what my soul needs at this moment in time..] oh and buckwheat pancakes for breakfast & home made sushi for lunch.. looks like I will be cooking quite a bit. fun. looking after myself with food, creating for myself.. treating myself with love & care..

busy, busy, trying to sell Inglewood

the past week has been busy - we had an open day on Saturday at Inglewood and the past week I have been getting the home ready.. I tend to go a little overboard.. wanting everything to be perfect...
plus working through Walking in this World and the online story collage workshop.. well, I am sure you get what I am saying.

Inglewood has been on the market officially for 2 months and it is slow..
we have had about 5 viewings. the first one, I have my suspicions about.. a woman and her sister came to look and adored it and raved about the home & wanted to come back for another view with her husband [that is the feedback from the real estate] - when the real estate tried to contact her, she had given a false number.. I am beginning to believe that it could have been a reader of this blog, sticky beaking.. just a gut feeling I have.. a very strong one. and that bothers me. but not much I can do about it.

what I am trying to do is trust - trust in the order of things.. that it is all being orchestrated in the heavens to bring the new owner to Inglewood.

I am wanting desperately to move to Villa Maria and even though i keep telling myself that all will happen in divine time according to the divine plan.. my impatience is getting the better of me..
but then of course, if Inglewood sells right at this very minute, I would be panicking as our new home is no where near ready to move into..
I do believe patience and trust [as well as loving myself] are two of my biggest lessons in this life.. will I ever learn?

today as I drove up the road to Inglewood.. about 4pm.. the autumn sun was beginning to go behind the mountain and I gasped as I looked at our maple trees that line the road. the colours were absolutely brilliant...

the liquid amber is performing brilliantly this year. I will rake the leaves and take them to Villa Maria to enrich the poor dead soil.

this lipstick maple is brilliant. autumn is gorgeous in the mountains.. once the days become cold.. the trees put on an autumnal colour splash...
and now.. off you can go to Villa Maria & read about my Sunday there..

some collage art ~ journey work

this is my first collage in the online workshop that I have joined ~ [at first, I hesitated to post this but sometimes, comments help me work through things]

[a call to journey]..
and my interpretation:
*the staircase reminds me of the one in my grandma's home. we weren't allowed to go up them & the door was always locked
*the little girl on the stairs is me, I know
*the quince on the stairs reminds me of a uterus, I wonder if this has any connection to the hysterectomy.
*have no idea why the bed, the old woman or the shirt are there in the picture nor do I know what the house signifies. the bed does remind me of my grandmas bed.
*the Goddess I had in my collection and had forgotten about it until I started gathering for this collage. after studying it, I saw the celtic cross made of wheat in her hand and realised it was Brigid. the celtic Goddess of healing, childbirth, inspiration & inner healing.

[the 'quince uterus' on the stairs. I seem to be ready to walk past it and leave it behind (the anger & bitterness that goes along with all that happened is going to be left behind too)].
I am going up the stairs towards the door and didn't notice until last night that there are lights behind the door.. and maybe the bed means that once I leave the anger & bitterness behind, I will be able to find rest [the bed]...

a few weeks ago, I went to my acupuncturist -..she said that the area where my uterus was is very cold & that alot of my anger is repressed and could be connected to my hysterectomy as well as the menopause.. and maybe I didn't grieve when I had the operation .. and suggested a ritual, although late, to move through it..so what to do?
how does one go about doing a little personal ritual for this kind of thing?.. I ask this because I know that one of you, my wise women friends will have a suggestion or even I can take bits from all the suggestions and come up with one just for me..

tugs at my heart?

why is it that today while working in my journal for this weeks Walking in this World..
cutting and pasting into my journal,
playing happily..
that I get an overwhelming sense of loss and grief over Daisy... will I always grieve for her? it came from no-where.. she popped into my mind and my heart began to ache...I felt lost.

then later tonight, while watching River Cottage - [Hugh was cooking for some friends] & the word 'tea' was mentioned.. and it tugged at my heart as that is what my Pa called dinner...

these little feelings of loss have me perplexed.. why all of a sudden do these kind of things pop into ones mind?

jus' bits of my weekend

not much happening here at Inglewood.. I worked really solidly in the garden, all day Saturday ~ just generally tidying up.. and some of today was spent in my vegie garden.. all the autumn vegies are growing well. Dinner tonight is simple.. roasted capsicum & pumpkin soup [both vegies from my own garden], served with Croque Monsieur [which is pretty much a toasted ham & cheese sandwich].. a perfect meal for a cool autumn night.. dutch husband came home late as he is doing some work at Villa Maria ..
an old, old recipe i had saved from when I first became a mum - 35yrs ago..

I have had such fun creating my little paper doll for the swap.. I spent quite a few hours, playing happily with paper and glue. I cannot share her just yet.. but once the recipient has received her, I will surely post a photo.
over the weekend, I tidied up my art space so that I had an orderly space to work through Walking in this World [and by the way.. Tales of Inglewood may, over the next few weeks, have glimpses into this journey.. hope you don't mind! but sometimes, I do tend to use my blog as a place to sort out my head stuff]

a new post at Villa Maria!

[oh and did you know, that it is now a year since Paul died? hasn't that gone quickly!PAUL]

synchronicity

alot has been happening in my life or rather in my journey the past few days..

last week, I began to work through Walking in this World (Julia Cameron) -
visiting my friend Tinks blog, I noticed a gorgeous round robin she was involved with. my heart sighed with longing - I so wanted to do something creative.. but I am not good at getting started... so I emailed Tink, and asked her if she ever came across a round robin or a swap that she thought i might be interested in, then could she email me - I said please [of course].. and two days ago in my inbox was an email from Tink, telling me of a paper doll swap [funny, because just last week while journalling, I had remembered how I loved to play with those paper dolls. my nan would buy me a book of them.. the doll and a whole wardrobe of clothes - in paper and I would cut them out carefully and spend hours playing.. they were all kept in a little plastic suitcase - long gone]...

I followed the link and the swap is a Guardian paper doll swap [right up my alley!!] and of course I signed up..
.. but not only that, I discovered another world.. by following a link on the sidebar I found a collage group .. and I signed up for that too!!! - this is all absolute synchronicity.. no doubt about that.

and this morning, the anniversary of my dad's death - a kookaburra [my dad's favourite bird] sat outside my window while I did my morning pages...

and then, when I was eating my breakfast.. a magpie dug for worms outside in the garden, looking for his breakfast... him & I connected in that moment, by the simple task of eating our breakfast. I worked hard in my garden today at Inglewood.. but I can feel the garden pulling back from me.. kind of disconnecting.. that is a good thing.. I think Inglewood and all it is, is ready to embrace the next owners.. I trust that it is all under control & everything is being orchestrated, in the heavens.
[ps - something is working because my hot flushes and night sweats are lessening. but the joints are aching now.. but that is ok.. I can deal with that!]

whoa another hot flush

today was a mixed bag of sorts.. I was supposed to go for a walk with my friend Bea, to Minnehaha Falls [an aboriginal women's sacred place] to do a little ritual to help me with my anger /rage that I have been feeling..
over the past few days, I have been doing alot of journalling and 'work on self'.. and Bea, being yet another one of my butterflies.. offered to do the ritual with me.. but upon arrival at her home, she was suffering dreadfully from menopausal women's problems, herself.. so we sat and had tea on her shady verandah instead.. and she proceeded to don her Feng Shui hat when I told her about the numbers thing with my home(s) - those 8's. 1's and 9's..... .. [I am not sure what I think of this Feng Shui business]..
tried to work out which element I am but became confused and ended up being either Earth or Metal.. still not sure. does it matter? but i did think twice when Bea exclaimed loudly 'don't paint your home pink! stay away from pinks and apricots!'... and of course now I will, me, being who I am .. don't like to upset the feng shui elements. so back to the drawing board on colours for Villa Maria... I am leaning towards a mushroom with either purple or blue shutters and door..

my plan for today was to take my inner little girl out after our planned walk and buy her a gift to celebrate.. but my inner little girl is not one who likes to sit and blow bubbles or draw alot [she finds it hard to play].. so I took her to the nursery and bought her an indoor plant.. very feng-shui -ish... [the little girl that was me long time ago, loved to play outside among the plants..and had many friends among the leaves and flowers]

while I was at the nursery choosing the plant and admiring the many water features and the gorgeous wind chimes, I could feel the heat building up inside, i flung my coat to the floor, exclaimed loudly 'menopausal flush'... and proceeded to fan myself furiously with one of their brochures... the woman behind the counter, who I know quite well, turned and said to me 'don't ya hate that.. it has been happening to me for years.. I don't think I will ever get through it'.... - thankyou very much I thought to myself.. - years ?! . I only wanted weeks or at worst case scenario, months... but years ? oh puhlease....
[today, while washing up at the kitchen sink, I looked out the window and the resident Magpie with the sore leg was digging for worms with his beak while 7 crimson rosellas nibbled at the grass seeds nearby.. each in their own little world but sharing it with others]

chasing Mary or the day I nearly burned down a mission

I thought that because it is the month of Mary.. I would tell you of yet another time that I went in search of her..

I had read of Our Lady of Guadalupe somewhere once.. and decided that I would visit the shrine when I went to America. but silly me didn't realize that this particular Guadalupe was in Mexico.. I did find Guadalupe in California somewhere, though.. not the same..

so instead, we drove to San Francisco to see the missions that we had also heard about.. quite a funny scenario actually.. dutch husband, myself & 3 children age 12, 7 and baby Sophie in a pram .. traipsing to the missions - (it was more like me racing all over the place and them following behind wondering what the hell I was doing now), through some, let's say undesirable areas..
completely oblivious because I was on a mission of my own. to light a candle in an ancient church for my friend Bernadette who was dying of breast cancer at the time.. finally found our way to the mission and dutch husband took the children out into the herb garden while I prayed..
I bought a taper and proceeded to light a votive.. all went according to plan until I tried to blow the taper out and it would not go out.. it kept burning, with me blowing frantically on the flame.. shaking it and blowing.. I turned round to find dutch husband videoing me.. by this time the flame was quite big and all I could think of was burning this 200yrs old mission to the ground. so I threw the taper onto the floor and stomped on it... anyhow.. candle was lit and I went out and wandered the herb garden for awhile and then began the walk back to our 'home' - a hotel somewhere in San Francisco... back through the undesirable parts, [not knowing they were undesirable at the time.]. - a taxi screeched to a stop and the taxi driver said to us..'what the hell are you doing walking this neighbour hood? get in, I will take you where you want to go'... he didn't want paying, but we gave him a tip.... many times like that in our world travels.. being totally oblivious to the dangers of where we are.. not sure if I would do it now ... maybe Mary was protecting us.

and you know what? I cannot for the life of me remember the name of that Mission.
[hope you enjoyed that little story.. ]

the month of Mary

May 1st, the month of Mary & my first full day at Villa Maria - .. well, not living there [that won't happen until we sell Inglewood], but working & renovating. there is a post at Villa Maria about my day [link in my sidebar]...

there are many similarities to Inglewood & Villa Maria.. this time 10yrs ago we received the key to Inglewood and began renovations. Inglewood at the time was no.81, Villa Maria is no.18...[and others which will come to mind over the next months I am sure]...
so to the month of Mary... Villa Maria will have a shrine built in honour of Mary [dutch husband is going to build it for me] and my plan is to crown her with flowers.. just like a road side shrine somewhere in Italy... but in the meantime, I will place flowers at her feet here at Inglewood, where she stands just outside my front door.

what a truly blessed Samhain - a little bit on the quirky side

[I walked among the graves today.. accompanied by many an ancestor I am sure.. some of them maybe wondering what the hell i was doing]

I woke very early this morning - [4am to be exact] to Moonlight as brilliant as the sun but not as harsh.. a softness and I sat and gazed out the window remembering how Daisy loved to do the same.. the ancestors had arrived for Samhain... dozing off to sleep for awhile... this time, I woke to bird call.. so got myself out of bed, wandered out to under the pine tree & did my morning greeting of the day and as I did.. a blackbird flew right past my face.. and sat in the tree - just looking at me.. as I spoke to her, she cocked her head this way and that..yes, the ancestors were with me today to help me walk my path [the blackbird has not been seen in my garden for at least 2 weeks... the blackbird is Daisy telling me she is here with me.. she may not have been blood related in this life.. but she is certainly one of my ancestors as she was part of my tribe].

[a home crafted celtic cross and an old rusted arch on one of the old graves in Springwood cemetery]
I decorated my altar with the gathered leaves from yesterdays walk, a few walnuts & a black candle.. and of course some photos of the wise women in my family.. plus an old purse & china tea cup to represent my Nan.. and a piece of jet. I burned my last stick of Samhain incense that Daisy had sent me before she died.. [she bought it from an online shop the Goddess & the Greenman.. a beautiful scent]. You know, I am not even sure why I do this kind of thing .. I don't understand the symbolism of it all nor do I know the history of it all or the lore of it all - but when I gather bits to put on my altar, it makes me feel connected to something alot older than I am. & it resonates with my soul.

then I went for the walk around the cemetery in Springwood. I gathered sticks, sometimes looking at the headstones.. noticing the various decorations that people do for their loved ones, wondering if it was really appropriate to be taking photos in the cemetery.. but maybe people would think I was tracing my family history & I wasn't doing any harm.. just following the wheel of the year..... & I spied this across the way:

a cross, marking an otherwise insignificant grave... it took my breath away.. [what a strong sign from Daisy that she is with me..]

the soft, cool, autumn early morning sun, shining on the colouring chinese pistachio tree, chicken with port & raisins for our Samhain dinner, my altar decorated for Samhain, the celebration of the ancestors, walking in Springwood cemetery collecting sticks for kindling for the coming cold weather.. meditating holding a honey calcite crystal.. this was my day.

[old man Banksia.. growing among the graves.. a native tree of Australia ~ even he is going into autumn time]

Chicken with Port and Raisins
1/2 cup dark raisins
1 cup port wine
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil, divided
4 breasts of chicken
1 leek
2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 cup heavy cream, or evaporated milk
1/4 tsp grated fresh nutmeg
1 tbsp cornstarch mixed with 1 tbsp water
Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
Fresh herbs for garnish

Soak the raisins in the port wine at least 1 hour or, preferably, overnight.
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In a saute pan, heat 1 tbsp of the olive oil. When hot, saute the chicken breasts on one side until golden brown. Turn the chicken over and transfer to an ovenproof dish. Bake for 10 minutes.
In the meantime, in the saute pan, heat the remaining 1 tbsp olive oil. Add the leeks and sweat them for 5 minutes. Add the vinegar and reduce until almost dry.
Stir in the raisins and their soaking liquid. Cook until the liquid is reduced by half. Add the cream or evaporated milk, nutmeg, and cornstarch mixture. Cook for 2 more minutes, but do not bring to a boil.
Adjust the seasoning with salt and pepper. Spoon the sauce onto serving plates, set a chicken breast on top, and garnish with fresh herbs.
I served ours with mashed sweet potato, steamed carrots and brown rice

an autumn stroll for Full Moon

killing a few birds with one stone...and taking a stroll today for the Full Moon, a weekly walk that I have committed to with Julia Cameron's 'Walking in this world' as well as coming up to Samhain tomorrow.

I was disappointed to find that the trees were not as colourful as they should be by now. O'yarrang covered the branches.. this can be used instead of sage to smudge and cleanse.. I gathered a little for tomorrow.

I wanted to collect an array of colourful leaves for my Samhain ancestral altar but all I could find were dry brown leaves. I suppose I could have picked leaves from the branches.. but I like to leave nature to take its course.. not interrupting the flow of things. so I gathered some dry brown leaves.. after all, it is the intention, is it not?

a far cry from the gorgeous & brilliant burgundys, clarets, orange and golds from last year.

Our autumn is very mild this year.. some days are still reaching record summer temperatures... I even spotted an agapanthus flowering in a garden today.. very odd indeed...but I can relate to Mother Nature.. she seems to be having hot flushes just like I am!

a soothing voice is all it takes

early this morning, I woke up and went outside to water the vegies - a beautiful time coming up to Full Moon today & then Samhain this weekend.... after tending my plants & going back inside, dutch husband was making me a cup of tea & I casually mentioned that we needed to weed along the neighbouring fence.. he didn't know which fence i meant.. and I could feel frustration inside rising up and coming out of my mouth in hysteria [actually, it was more like mass hysteria except there is only one of me].....
all it took from him to calm me down were the words.. 'shhh, relax'.... he is good at calming my storms.

the emotional rollercoaster.. a lovely mix, Full Moon and Menopause, going hand in hand to make a woman some kind of irrational being, totally out of control of not only her bodily functions but also her emotions.. today, I even got to the point of thinking i may need some kind of counselling.. but later tonight, when I had my bath.. soaking in the herbs.. I heard my inner voice say to me : I am enough..... a lovely mantra I think. I am enough.
I have also decided to work through a book i have had for quite some time.. Walking in this world by Julia Cameron.. it kind of fell from my bookshelf this morning while I was looking for something else.. and the page fell open to 'anger'.. I took that as a strong sign from someone. so back to morning pages, artists dates and weekly walks...

home made chai latte.. white light protection under the pine tree with my Earth healing disc, crystal and a rose ~ a Full Moon Earth Healing. a blackbird on a park bench. yoga to beautiful flute music, stretching those hip joints, a cleansing lavender and sage bath and a cup [or 3] of oatstraw tea... this was my day

this menopausal journey to becoming a butterfly

you know, much as I might complain about chin hairs and moan about hot flushes.. I am actually enjoying this menopausal journey.. it is taking me back to the wise women of old.. the wise women who use to brew their teas just like I am doing each night with my oatstraw tea.. where I measure dried oatstraw into a flask, pour hot water over it, seal it and leave it infuse overnight, to be sipped throughout the next day to help soothe my adrenals..

I love reading up on crystals that may help my anger & past life issues that are surfacing.. finding those crystals and healing myself much like the village wise women did in times past. And that bloodstone is actually a very good crystal to use for menopause.. so I tuck one into my medicine bag that I carry on my waist.

I love that my reiki healing is coming to use once again in the healing of my own body. I am sure that I am being prodded to use this healing gift that i have long ignored.

I love that I am discovering that my base chakra is actually linked to my adrenals & the solar plexus is the liver which are the organs often connected to menopause.. and that if I go and sit on Mother Earth each day, she will help me through my menopause as I can help her through her change of life that she seems to be going through at the moment too... very connected to each other...

I love finding that cedarwood and lavender essential oils may sooth my shattered nervous system and bring it into balance or to use dried sage and lavender in a bath.. or if really stressed, use an oatstraw bath to soothe the menopausal nerves.

and as I discover each of these and much more folk lore, I am finding that I am actually more intune with my body than ever before...

so instead of fighting this 'change of my life'.. why not embrace it? like my Nan use to say.. if you can't beat it, join it.. and my Nan is yet another wise butterfly in my life, even if she is on the other side

[I see myself walking through life, not as I look now, but as a village wise woman, with a bag of herbs and crystals on her waist. dressed in a brown robe with a rope tie around her waist.. going about her business, gathering herbs to dry]

[the first post is up at Villa Maria..dutch husband and I made a quick visit tonight, but it was overwhelming for me to see how much work we really need to do.. my first reaction was: 'what have I done?'.. but as I walked through the house, discussing renovations & design & colours, I could feel the excitement returning.. and once i go back in the daylight and see the garden, I am sure all will be ok.. sometimes, I wonder why I do this to myself.. but it is all good. all as it should be]

collecting butterflies

today we jumped on the back of the Harley and went south, for a ride.. to a little town on the seaside called Berry.

met up with friends, Carol & Rob who had ridden down to meet us.

[Carol, isn't she beautiful? she has the most divine brilliant blue eyes]
Carol is 10yrs older than me and is becoming a fast friend..another butterfly in my life. a wise woman.
[Susun Weed advises that a woman going through menopause should have female friends who are older, whom you want to grow up to be, who don't take hormones..Daisy was another and funnily enough the last thing she sent me before she died was a butterfly mobile.. she obviously knew I would be needing it]

[butterfly woman from Daisy's blog]

Carol and I wandered through the crystal shops.. I was looking for a lepidolite pendant. the crystals really affected my energies.. I needed something to eat, to ground myself. so lunch it was along with a glass of champagne [found out that was not a good idea for menopause, brings on hot flushes].. after lunch we went to another shop to try on a moonstone ring.. and the first one I tried on fitted perfectly! Plus they had a gorgeous lepidolite pendant... it was like I was led there by persons unseen.

the shop owner and I began to talk and our words got around to menopause [as it often does these days.. when others notice me fanning myself furiously].. and she told me that she had gone to see Amma,the Hugging Saint and that she had been sitting fanning herself furiously just like was and throwing off her clothes.. an old indian lady leaned across to her, didn't say a word and sprayed rose water on the inside of her elbows and proceeded to pour about a quarter of a cup of the water over her head.. she said it cooled her down immediately.. and she said that the indian woman had given her the bottle and it goes everywhere with her now.. [more butterflies in the guise of wise advice from women]... it seems that I am being helped alot in this kind of way.. and I like it. I like that I am accepting the wise ways of the ancestors.. hard as it is with these symptoms.. it kind of makes me feel like I am connected to a very big web of wise women.. YOU included

[tomorrow, I do believe we will be getting the key to Villa Maria.. finally it will be ours!]

ANZAC day, ANZAC biscuits & earth nurturers

today we attended the ANZAC march in Springwood...
here is a link to an older post at a previous blog.. ANZAC day 2007
[nothing much changed.. my heart swelled with pride as we clapped our heroes and the ladies still had ANZAC biscuits for sale and we bought a few packets.. yum. ]

here is a recipe for Anzac biscuits:

1 cup each of plain flour, sugar, rolled oats and coconut
4 oz butter
1 tablespoon treacle (golden syrup)
2 tablespoons boiling water
1 teaspoon carbonate soda (add a little more water if mixture is too dry)

Grease biscuit tray and pre heat oven to 180C. Combine dry ingredients. Melt together butter and golden syrup. Combine water and soda add to butter mixture. Mix butter mixture and dry ingredients. Drop teaspoons of mixture onto tray allowing room for spreading. Bake for 10-15 minutes or until golden. Allow to cool on tray for a few minutes before transferring to cooling racks

now that life has settled down into some kind of normalcy.. I am going to re vitalise the Earth Healing collective .. some of you may know about it, others don't.. but here is a link to the blog..
Healers of Earth
every now and then I will post a prompt for some earth healing.. and of course you can always do the healing/nurturing of Mother Earth yourself at anytime..

great - call me hirsute

not only do I have to battle rage, hot flushes, night sweats but now I have a hair on my chin, which I was horrified to read is yet another 'symptom' of menopause... I was sitting eating dinner and casually brushed my chin and felt an odd thing on my face.. raced to the bathroom and horror of horrors a hair was poking out of my chin!

Hirsutism (from Latin hirsutus = shaggy, hairy) is the excessive hairiness on female humans in those parts of the body where terminal hair does not normally occur or is minimal - for example, a beard or chest hair

I can remember when I was a little girl seeing a hair poking out of my Nan's chin.. it horrified me.. I wondered why she didn't either pluck it out by the roots or at least have a shave...she seemed so old back then.. but now I realize that she must have been around my age and suffering from menopause!

lord, what next? liver spots?

yesterday.. is it all related to Pluto? oh - & Marion's boiled fruit cake recipe..

yesterday, I had a menopausal breakdown. I am trying so hard to cope with all the symptoms but I am not doing so well.. then I get blogging angst as we all do.. and wonder what the hell it is all about.. so I put a post up about taking a break and took it down again then went to bed.

You see, I am so dreadfully angry. I am irritable and sometimes sad. there is a rage inside me that bubbles beneath the surface.. sometimes I feel like running away from my responsibilities and living as a mad woman in a cottage... and I know it is all related to either menopause or else Pluto is in my chart somewhere which is bringing up repressed anger from times past.. whatever, I need to do something about it.. or else, dutch husband will no longer be a husband.. cause I am sure he must be getting sick of it all.. but he has the patience of a saint..thank Heaven. [if you have suffered menopausal madness.. pray please tell how you dealt with the anger & rage]

[anyhow.. blogging... comments.. they twist and turn my mind. I love to blog. yes I do.. but I do get the angst that we all get about comments & the followers.. I have followers who I have not a clue who they are.... & that is all I am going to say. ]

and here is Marion's recipe for
Boiled Fruit Cake [this is exactly how she told me to do it, have no idea what size pan to cook it in]

125g butter
1 cup milk
1 cup sugar
2 cups mixed dried fruit
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp mixed spice

[heat the above ingredients in a saucepan until butter has melted. Marion adds 1/2 pkt dried cranberries]

add
400g crushed pineapple

then mix together [and add to the above mix when it has cooled slightly]
1/2 cup sherry
1 tsp bicarb soda

beat 2 eggs
and add to mix when it is cold

sift and add
1 cup self raising flour
1 cup plain flour

stir. put into greased cake tin

then cook in a moderate oven for 1 hour

hopefully tomorrow when I see my acupuncturist & herbalist.. I will get some help.. then next week I am going to an energetic healer.. please God, let me find some help...I don't like myself when I am like this

such a fun day at Mt. Wilson

[my friend Marion, strolling through the autumn leaves at her sister's home in Mt.Wilson]
my friend Marion lives down the road a little from Inglewood. She is like a big sister to me. we share recipes, seeds and garden love.

I arrived at her home early in the morning and we drove the hour across to the other side of the mountain to visit her sister Ann. Marion had baked a cake.. her famous boiled fruit cake.

we arrived just in time for morning tea and Ann set up a tray of tea and cake and we went outside to sit on the patio amidst the autumn leaves and cool mountain air. [very good for those hot flushes that I kept experiencing throughout the day, tossing off my cardigan constantly - but they understood with knowing laughs]

[Wendy the artist friend]
after morning tea, we wandered up the lane. climbing over a barbwire fence, through a paddock of walnut trees [noting to selves to come back and gather the fallen walnuts] and went to visit Wendy. a very talented and zany woman

[Ann, watching Wendy as she finished off some knitted hats for a craft show on the weekend]
Wendy was a delight, a collector, a bower bird. She had old wares for sale too.. I bought an old door knocker for Villa Maria and two cushions for my Lloyd Loom chairs.

she had also gathered walnuts and had them drying in the sun.

like I said, Wendy is a bower bird. a collector of stuff. .. and she has shelves and cupboards overflowing with fabrics. her paintings hang around her home.

after a lovely visit, we wandered back home to have lunch. a simple feast. cheese, salami, avocado, crackers & Marion's home made hummus. washed down with a cup of my oat straw tea

after lunch a stroll through Ann's garden. five acres of pure bliss. absolutely brilliant autumn colour

and then

gathering walnuts
[here is Marion filling her bag with the fallen nuts]

mine are now on the floor in front of the fire.. drying out. then I will store them to make cakes, muesli or just eat them straight from the shell! It was such a fun day. 3 women. 3 menopausal women, sharing stories. and an artist who inspired me to be comfortable with who I am.