"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)

Friday, 31 October 2008

blessed Beltane at Woodford, ya gotta laugh

Today, I guess is traditionally Beltane eve.. I woke early this morning to race out and wash my face in the early morning dew (you see, this is a traditional thing to do at Beltane.. well it was for my ancestors apparently)... I brushed my hands through the wet grass and proceeded to wipe over my face.... then realised that it had not been a good idea, hayfever season, clover is out and I started sneezing... ahh well.. I guess my ancestors had a reason to do this... I don't need to.

I then walked around my garden, just noticing what was going on and decided to tie my tomato plants up and bless each one for Beltane...' bless you little tomato plant on this Beltane day' holding my hands over each plant.. thinking of how many tomatoes I will be gathering in summer.

I had planned on having a huge bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, with lashings of milk and brown sugar. .. of course, life had other plans. When I opened my fridge, it was warm as was my freezer.. it seemed my fridge/freezer had decided to depart this world at Beltane.. obviously confused like I am.. maybe Mr Fridge thought it was Samhain... anyhow, all my frozen food was melted - chicken breasts, meat, icecream... milk was warm & butter was soft. So I had to proceed to clean out my fridge, throwing food out and all the while wondering what I was going to have for breakfast... thank heavens I had bought some oatcakes the day before.. so I had them with honey(no butter mind you, that was melted). Not the most delicious meal I have had but at least it was something on my tummy.. before i went to have my massage...

as I drove down the road, there were signs all over the place announcing that today is a 'total fire ban'.. the day proceeded to get hotter and hotter, temps reaching in the high 30's. The wind howled, trees bending in the wind, garbage bins rolling up the road, branches & sticks were blowing all over the place, people driving like absolute maniacs, like they had just been let out of hell & were in a hurry to get somewhere, ambulances on the side of the road tending to children who were suffering heat stroke, old ladies walking up the road looking very cross in the heat. it was as if the world had gone completely insane, the energy was wild, out of control..... yes, welcome to Beltane in Australia.

.. I had wonderful plans for this day but it all went haywire.. I was going to do spring lamb for dinner...champagne with sweet wood ruff & decorate my home with candles & flowers everywhere, I was going to tie ribbons on the ancient apple tree, I was going to walk around and bless my yard. But by how today went, I think the Universe is trying to tell me something. The day was crazy, very odd, it was too hot to be doing much at all. Oh I did get my bowl of water and floated some flowers in it & my blackbird did come and sit in the apple tree and sing for me...... but Maybe I need to honour how my ancestors celebrated the seasons while also having my own little traditions to suit my own life... after all this is Australia.

later tonight, I will sit quietly and do a card reading and maybe my ancestors will come by to be with me. who knows.

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

new moon in Woodford ~ wise woman & a soul painting...

today is New Moon at 10.13am precisely...a gorgeous drizzly raining spring day... just like a New Moon should be... still, waiting, until She bursts forth into her waxing period to Full Moon

a time for letting go of destructive habits.... as I sat last night in Sacred Space, I pondered how I could let go of this anger, frustration and doubting my search.... and this came to me:
the doubt and questioning of my spiritual journey and beliefs is actually my ego sabotaging me and putting the doubts and fears there... it is important for me to cleanse & rid myself of these negative feelings and thoughts or else, i won't move forward through it. Look upon it as a test, a challenge. Continue to meditate, journal and spend time with your wise women friends. Even if it becomes tiresome and difficult and you begin to doubt yourself.. KEEP GOING !! When you feel or see these thoughts coming, stop and turn them away - journal them away... you are away of them now and it will be easier.
so today, I will sit with a cup of tea and do a letting go ritual..

a few months ago, I did a workshop called 'Paint your canvas' - I went along not really knowing what to expect. Not having done art in my life, I was a little nervous... but the teacher was wonderful. We meditated, we chanted and we played... and over the weeks, a painting emerged on my canvas. I would dream of it and was instructed on what to do as i dreamed.. to put netting on her cloak, to make her dress a vibrant red, to use an old button as a clasp.... I had seen this woman, many, many times but could not get her out in anyway. It is a painting of myself or my Guardian in a past life...... Yesterday at our wise woman gathering, I saw her in meditation.. sitting quietly... gathering mistletoe berries.... she is guiding me to peacefullness..
After this painting was done, was the time my yearning for connection, my desire to visit Cornwall started to diminish.......

Once a fortnight, I go to a gathering of women, there are only five of us and we work through Women who run with the Wolves.. yesterday we made a dream catcher and once it is cleansed and smudged, I am going to hang it on my door at Beltane. I used ivy & string and spun a web while we chatted about our journeys. I weaved shells and sticks that I had gathered and a feather that I found once while walking. I think gatherings like this are truly missed by women of our time.. once upon a time we sat around fires in circles, sharing our knowledge... I am blessed that this circle has come to me at this time. I have yearned for it for so long.

Monday, 27 October 2008

believing in something bigger.. believing in help from beyond - a waffling post once again....

I have been away at our Gypsy Caravan by the sea.. having a glorious time meditating beside the water, completely alone and in complete silence..

I don't know where this train of thought comes from but early this morning I realized that I don't 'truly' believe in God. Or rather, I don't really think that God is there to help us on our journey.. (please remember that these thoughts below are very early morning thoughts and sometimes they trying to sort stuff out)

Oh yes, I make lip service to something bigger than I am.. I waffle on about having faith but deep down in my very soul - I believe I am here without support from a God, Goddess, angels, ancestors or spirit guides.... when something happens in my life, or when I need support or answers I ask for help from whoever i think of, but deep down, I don't really believe that i will get help, I look for signs of help from ancestors or angels.. like feathers or fragrances or even a bird or animal when or if they come, I pass it off as co-incidence.. sometimes I even try to convince myself that it is all real by telling all who will listen about it but still deep in my heart there is not that strong believing faith... I kind of think I must sort things or problems, out for myself... I also forget to ask for help alot of the time.. ... and I want this to change.

I want to remember that when a problem or issue arises that there is help from beyond and I want to believe that this is true. When I want help for my frustrations or anger with life, I want to believe and have faith that it is all being taken care of and I want to be able to let it go with complete faith. I just want to KNOW and FEEL that Laura, Hilary or my Nan are there for me. I want to totally believe that Mary Magdalene or Isis do truly care for me and are there always... and why worry about all of this anyhow? Why do I constantly ponder spiritual stuff.. when my friends are interested in cake & coffee mornings, I search for the meaning of life.. while my friends go on shopping sprees I look for the Goddess... while my friends go to movies for a girls night out, I sit and meditate... why ?? I am a tad tired of it, I tell you but i cannot change or stop...... I do believe that this is my soul purpose this time round..

(this is where I cannot wait to read comments, because i know that YOU - my wise women friends will always help me through yet another part of my spiritual journey xo)

so, now that is all out..

Beltane is almost upon us.. this Friday 31st October.. and i have a divine day planned for Joe and myself - will tell more later this week... my garden is doing really well. I have tadpoles in my pond, my potatoes are thriving and I have new herbs to plant out this week.

Tomorrow I go to my wise woman gathering and we are making dream catchers.. and I am thinking of starting belly dancing this is full & busy for me, I am revelling in it! I am in a very nice 'place' right now... I love it... even though I still 'search' & sift through my thoughts.. I am not out of control like I was.. I am more settled... even though I still have these thoughts like my above ramblings.. I am at peace..

Saturday, 18 October 2008

a conscious decision and probably a shock to many

I admit for years I have desperately wanted to discover my roots, to fly halfway across the world.. to trace where I actually come 'from'.

I have recently read that plane travel contributes in a large way to green house gases & I have started to question the ethics of plane travel....I suppose I could tell all who will listen that i have compost bins and i plant trees to offset the greenhouse affect of my air travel, similar that the likes of Bono and Madonna do..but that just does not cut it for me.. nor am I rich and famous, so really, I can't use that excuse, now can I? Or I could tell myself that the world is in such a sad and sorry way that my little bit of air travel won't make a whole lot of difference anyhow. Or I could be completely and utterly selfish and think, who cares?.. and just go.
I am here in this vast ancient land, mostly unexplored by me... I have my homeland to travel around and yet to discover, the land that I was born to, to see many natural wonders that, so far, I have only read about. We have ancient sacred sites such as Uluru and Kata Tjuta (the Olgas).. we have rainforests where our nature spirits live... we have Sacred Aboriginal sites where I can sit, we have our bush where I can walk and trees that have been here since time began.
I found this when I did a search for Sacred sites in Australia: In Central NSW extensive megalithic stone alignments and other astronomical structures dating back 10 000 to 15 000 years and which suggests the former presence in Australia of a highly advanced civilization of unknown origin. These structures include standing stones weighing 20 tons and carved stone heads. The heads were found near mysterious stone alignment and other formations.
I can make flower essences from our native plants and I can use our very own crystals that are found nowhere else in the world. I am beginning to feel like I belong here.....
I have decided to 'postpone' my trip to Cornwall.. I have lost the desire to walk the land of my ancestors, I don't know why this has happened but I feel a need to find myself here in this land that I was born to and the option to travel to England is always there for me if I ever want or need to. Is it the right decision? I don't know, but I have to follow my inner guidance.

happening at Inglewood - my potatoes are up, my tomatoes are in and I have zucchini, ruby chard and rhubarb all growing nicely. I hope to put beans and cucumbers in this weekend. We have a family of sparrows in one of my birdhouses and last week, I had a magpie accompany me nearly all day while I gardened... she sat with me as I weeded and dug... I am indeed blessed in this life...

Thursday, 9 October 2008

yes, I am back... dealing with stuff and trying to love myself (simply, the mutterings of a mad woman)

I am home safe n sound.. have been for a few days but I have been dealing with 'issues' that arose from things that happened on the trip....I don't like that I sent anger and negativity out into the Earth.... She does not need it.. there is enough grey energy around without me adding to it.. so now I must sit and meditate sending love & peace out and work through stuff. The past few days I have realized that I don't love or appreciate myself and now I am working on that as well... I am dreadfully hard on myself and it is time to cherish the wonderful person that I am... to work on and heal issues that I have....

we rode through my ancestors country.. and I truly felt them around me. It was an amazing experience to be on the back of the bike, seeing huge trees and feeling as one with them, feeling my ancestors there with me. I don't think I could ever explain exactly how it felt. Connected and belonging. I thought of my great-grandmother, Viola and how she had fallen in love with & married a fettler on the railways and was banished from the family for 'marrying down'.. I saw her as a young girl, falling in love with someone 'beneath her'.... thinking he was the man of her dreams.. sadly, he ended up an abusive alcoholic.. a very sad life for her.

all in all the time away was fun - we saw lots of gorgeous magickal rainforests, I decided to have a tattoo and am now in the process of choosing a design - heavily leaning towards a Celtic Tree of Life and maybe a small Daisy (although I think I will save that til I get to Cornwall, SweetPea had one done when she scattered Daisies ashes)..... I danced to a rock band at a night concert and ate lots of yummy food... so the time was not all bad.....

my garden here at Inglewood is an absolute delight right now... the ancient apple tree is incredible - so many blooms and the buzzing of the bees can be heard inside!!

my Rhubarb is huge right now and my citrus is also laden with flowers... my lilac is in full bloom too. I think this must be the best it has ever been. I adore the perfume of Lilac... kinda takes me back somewhere.

I am really looking forward to starting 'Soul Journey' with Jamie in November and have created a new blog for it.. will put a link soon.

My dear friend Mari-Nanci has discontinued comments :

"PLEASE READ... Thank you
Comments have been discontinued on my blogs, for a while.

I hope no one will be offended by this.

I need to spend less time on the Net. My choice.

And I couldn't expect people to comment on my blogs, when I'm not returning those comments, in their blogs. :-)"

and I am thinking of doing the same... blogging takes up alot of time and I am in Spring Cleaning & Gardening mode as well as needing to spend alot more time on my spiritual life..... still not sure what to do.... however if you come one day and find comments disabled please understand the reasons...