farewell 2008.....

"authentic as you have become, full of wisdom, beauty and grace, enriched and enlightened by all you have experienced....." (Simple Abundance)......

have I? during 2008 & my journey this year, have I become full of wisdom, beauty and grace. Have I become enriched and enlightened by all I have experienced?. I hope so. Maybe not always but I pray that sometimes this is so. And where I have stumbled, I always have 2009 to try again.

will be doing my blessing jar today.... Krissie asked if it had worked.....

I believe it did.

on my note for 2008 I had written:

"I wish to be free from anger, I wish for joy, peace & happiness. To be open to my intuition, to let go of fear, to be healthy and to be open to my wise woman" - I do believe that these wishes have come true..... I also put on my note that I wished for "abundance, purification, vision, grounding, freedom, unity, truth, memory, love & choices......" and those, I believe have manifested as well.

I have had a wonderful 2008.. oh yes, there have been hiccoughs, I have stumbled and sometimes been in despair and wanted to give up this journey.... but with the support of each of you, my blogging kindred souls & sisters... I have persevered and I thankyou for being my friend. I have so much to be grateful for.....

1. the birth of Harry, my absolutely gorgeous grandson...

2. Soul Coaching. where I met many delightful women who were travelling similar paths to mine

3. my garden.. *sigh* what more can I say. It is truly Heaven on Earth

4. Joe. my soul mate. my rock. hard as I am on him, he continues to support and love me. Poor guy, I give him such a hard time sometimes with my anger & bitterness.. but he lets me rant and rave, patiently, silently. .... I sometimes think I am like Hyacinth "Bouquet"... and he is my ever suffering Richard.

5. YOU. I am grateful that you my dear kindred spirit have crossed my path this year. Thankyou for being you.

NAMASTE..........

and so we journey into 2009.

I open my arms....

each morning, I welcome the new day, using the words from Denise Linn: 'I open my arms to the glory of this new day. I ask that the Goddess be with me this day, to guide me and so that love may fill me and flow through me'..... I connect myself to spirit and earth - with a cord, like a beanstalk running down from my soul star deep into Mother Earth....... this morning, as i was sitting there, with my hands in prayer postition, I looked out the window at the big gum tree up the road and the sun was sparkling through the leaves, bouncing off the eucalypt oil, sending twinkles of bright light - so sparkly, like the whole tree was alive with little faery lights... it was magickal.... as if the faeries were letting me know that yes, they were here. In Australia. Our very own faeries of the eucalypt tree. Waking up in readiness for Midsummer......and as I sat, looking, not wanting that moment of magick to stop, I was grateful. Deeply grateful.....

as I said, it seems that we do have our own faeries here in Australia.... it has been spoken about in FaeryLand.... through the portal and into the Enchanted Forest - don't forget to click on the birdie's back!

i don't feel like i BELONG ~ the ancestors have heard and now they take me on another soul journey....

oh! the way my ancestors & soul self are working!!!

this is a journey that I never expected to take.... one that has not bothered me until now. This could turn into a controversial post, it is not meant to be.. some Australians don't even think about what I write below, it doesn't bother them at all, it is not an issue for them... which of course is fine.. but it does bother me, this feeling of not belonging and I don't even expect my international friends to understand what I am writing about... this post is for me to sort out things that have come up in the past few weeks... and I choose to put my thoughts down here ...

a few hundred years ago, people were sailing all around the world to find new lands, to discover new territories, to conquer the world. I guess it was part of the Big Plan.... and Australia was discovered by the English/Dutch?? - never know which... and promptly settled.... and of course the indigenous people were here when they arrived... So much happened in those years... awful things that I won't go into as this post is not about that... but there are big issues here in Australia, concerning what happened.. bigger than huge as one of my friends has put it... but this is not a history lesson and heaven forbid that it become political ... all this is, is this girls search to belong......

1958 - a baby girl came into the world. .. born in Australia.... probably wondering what the hell she was doing here.... but it was all planned and this life was for her to journey in this country, to find her roots and her belonging.... introducing ME.

I am not Indigenous Australian, but I am native Australian - 7th generation Australian, on one branch of my tree

NATIVE: born in a particular place or country....yes, that is me.

being brought up in a white community and being told by teachers at school and many community members, that the whites were better than the aboriginals, that the aboriginals were 'savages'...well, sadly i believed it. AND I AM ASHAMED OF THAT..(I am also a little afraid of the aboriginals, I don't know how to relate to them.. don't know what to say.. I have no idea why.. maybe years of collective guilt and shame - I need to work through all of this, and I will ).... As I went through my teen years, I didn't think much of it at all.. just got on with life and what life presented to me. I yearned for England, knowing that is where some my ancestors came from... thinking that if I found my connection, then I would find home... I found my connection in Cornwall, as many of you know back to the 14th century.... and something settled in my spirit but I still felt that I did not connect with this ancient land that I was born to..... I was still restless, lost.

just lately, dreams and meditations began to take a different road... I dreamed of the land, I started to walk in the bush, absorbing the energies, falling in love with the environment here.. loving the flowers and native birds.... all of which I hated as a younger woman. I dreamed of my childhood and all those things of Australia that I loved when I was a child.. heaven forbid, I even started to defend my country in conversation!! It is like I am absorbing the energy of Australia at last, something in me is awakening...like the land is calling me...

And then one day a few weeks ago, while I was in my garden, I realised that I must be CONNECTED to the land, because if I wasn't, then my garden would not flourish like it did... so what was missing??? what was this yearning that I still felt?

And of course the media don't help at all.. saying that the white people are invaders.. in a way I guess they were.... but that attitude reinforced my belief that I didn't belong here.......In my journal, I was asking questions like: why do I feel like a trespasser? Is it not my land too?

I meditated some more...heard voices...I dreamed of making a medicine bag, I was given the gift of a Magpie totem..... and then an invitation to a women's initiation ceremony....I was on the back of the bike the other day, riding through areas that I grew up in, the land of the Dharug people and as I looked out into the bush as we rode by, I felt a welcoming spirit, like the trees were calling me and I began to feel a stirring of belonging, that the ancestors of the land were ok with me being here.. a friend put a book into my hands, written by an Australian man..Peter Read, not much older than I am and the book is called 'Belonging' ~ all about his childhood and how he felt like he didn't belong.. like he was intruding and about his journey through that.... and as I read it, i realised that it wasn't a connection that I was searching for.. it was a belonging....I wanted to feel & believe that I belong here.... and so my journey begins.....

starting Midsummer.. I am planning on doing a ritual at a Sacred Women's place not far from where I live, a place that I only found out about last week from a friend... she told me of this magickal area where women can go... called Minnehaha Falls... a place where I can ask forgiveness for what I had believed, to let go of notions of not being welcome and to allow myself to belong... then I am going to journey some more... which will be my journey of belonging.

a magpie totem ~ more on my medicine bag

on Monday, Joe and I went for a walk - we decided to do the round walk in Katoomba because it is a lovely walk through the bush, down stairs, along paths and past the witches leap. It is a favourite walk of ours.

as I walked along the track, I saw a magpie feather and fleetingly thought that I should pick it up, but I didn't and kept walking.. a few steps along, Joe pointed out that he had just seen a magpie feather and I again debated in my head whether to go back and get it... deciding to, I turned around and went to get it.... as I walked along, holding it, I knew in my soul that it was the first item for my medicine bag that I had been instructed to create for myself.

a few nights previously, I was meditating and heard that MAGPIE was one of my totems. I hadn't remembered this until I read back through my journal and saw where I had written it... I had questioned this as Magpie wasn't something i had even thought of as my totem until a friend pointed out to me that I am often accompanied by magpie while gardening...... it is yet another sign of my connecting and belonging to this wild land..... magpie is native to Australia.
a beautiful bird - every morning I hear them carolling to herald the new day.

and what does Magpie mean? according to Scott Alexander King, an australian animal totem author: being ready to walk a path of the heart to find a place of inner fredom..and helps you to turn your weaknesses into strengths.

new moon in Woodford ~ wise woman & a soul painting...

today is New Moon at 10.13am precisely...a gorgeous drizzly raining spring day... just like a New Moon should be... still, waiting, until She bursts forth into her waxing period to Full Moon

a time for letting go of destructive habits.... as I sat last night in Sacred Space, I pondered how I could let go of this anger, frustration and doubting my search.... and this came to me:
the doubt and questioning of my spiritual journey and beliefs is actually my ego sabotaging me and putting the doubts and fears there... it is important for me to cleanse & rid myself of these negative feelings and thoughts or else, i won't move forward through it. Look upon it as a test, a challenge. Continue to meditate, journal and spend time with your wise women friends. Even if it becomes tiresome and difficult and you begin to doubt yourself.. KEEP GOING !! When you feel or see these thoughts coming, stop and turn them away - journal them away... you are away of them now and it will be easier.
so today, I will sit with a cup of tea and do a letting go ritual..

a few months ago, I did a workshop called 'Paint your canvas' - I went along not really knowing what to expect. Not having done art in my life, I was a little nervous... but the teacher was wonderful. We meditated, we chanted and we played... and over the weeks, a painting emerged on my canvas. I would dream of it and was instructed on what to do as i dreamed.. to put netting on her cloak, to make her dress a vibrant red, to use an old button as a clasp.... I had seen this woman, many, many times but could not get her out in anyway. It is a painting of myself or my Guardian in a past life...... Yesterday at our wise woman gathering, I saw her in meditation.. sitting quietly... gathering mistletoe berries.... she is guiding me to peacefullness..
After this painting was done, was the time my yearning for connection, my desire to visit Cornwall started to diminish.......

Once a fortnight, I go to a gathering of women, there are only five of us and we work through Women who run with the Wolves.. yesterday we made a dream catcher and once it is cleansed and smudged, I am going to hang it on my door at Beltane. I used ivy & string and spun a web while we chatted about our journeys. I weaved shells and sticks that I had gathered and a feather that I found once while walking. I think gatherings like this are truly missed by women of our time.. once upon a time we sat around fires in circles, sharing our knowledge... I am blessed that this circle has come to me at this time. I have yearned for it for so long.

believing in something bigger.. believing in help from beyond - a waffling post once again....

I have been away at our Gypsy Caravan by the sea.. having a glorious time meditating beside the water, completely alone and in complete silence..

I don't know where this train of thought comes from but early this morning I realized that I don't 'truly' believe in God. Or rather, I don't really think that God is there to help us on our journey.. (please remember that these thoughts below are very early morning thoughts and sometimes they ramble....like trying to sort stuff out)

Oh yes, I make lip service to something bigger than I am.. I waffle on about having faith but deep down in my very soul - I believe I am here without support from a God, Goddess, angels, ancestors or spirit guides.... when something happens in my life, or when I need support or answers I ask for help from whoever i think of, but deep down, I don't really believe that i will get help, I look for signs of help from ancestors or angels.. like feathers or fragrances or even a bird or animal when or if they come, I pass it off as co-incidence.. sometimes I even try to convince myself that it is all real by telling all who will listen about it but still deep in my heart there is not that strong believing faith... I kind of think I must sort things or problems, out for myself... I also forget to ask for help alot of the time.. ... and I want this to change.

I want to remember that when a problem or issue arises that there is help from beyond and I want to believe that this is true. When I want help for my frustrations or anger with life, I want to believe and have faith that it is all being taken care of and I want to be able to let it go with complete faith. I just want to KNOW and FEEL that Laura, Hilary or my Nan are there for me. I want to totally believe that Mary Magdalene or Isis do truly care for me and are there always... and why worry about all of this anyhow? Why do I constantly ponder spiritual stuff.. when my friends are interested in cake & coffee mornings, I search for the meaning of life.. while my friends go on shopping sprees I look for the Goddess... while my friends go to movies for a girls night out, I sit and meditate... why ?? I am a tad tired of it, I tell you but i cannot change or stop...... I do believe that this is my soul purpose this time round..
(this is where I cannot wait to read comments, because i know that YOU - my wise women friends will always help me through yet another part of my spiritual journey xo)

so, now that is all out..

Beltane is almost upon us.. this Friday 31st October.. and i have a divine day planned for Joe and myself - will tell more later this week... my garden is doing really well. I have tadpoles in my pond, my potatoes are thriving and I have new herbs to plant out this week.

Tomorrow I go to my wise woman gathering and we are making dream catchers.. and I am thinking of starting belly dancing this term...life is full & busy for me, I am revelling in it! I am in a very nice 'place' right now... I love it... even though I still 'search' & sift through my thoughts.. I am not out of control like I was.. I am more settled... even though I still have these thoughts like my above ramblings.. I am at peace..

a conscious decision and probably a shock to many

I admit for years I have desperately wanted to discover my roots, to fly halfway across the world.. to trace where I actually come 'from'.

I have recently read that plane travel contributes in a large way to green house gases & I have started to question the ethics of plane travel....I suppose I could tell all who will listen that i have compost bins and i plant trees to offset the greenhouse affect of my air travel, similar that the likes of Bono and Madonna do..but that just does not cut it for me.. nor am I rich and famous, so really, I can't use that excuse, now can I? Or I could tell myself that the world is in such a sad and sorry way that my little bit of air travel won't make a whole lot of difference anyhow. Or I could be completely and utterly selfish and think, who cares?.. and just go.
BUT -
I am here in this vast ancient land, mostly unexplored by me... I have my homeland to travel around and yet to discover, the land that I was born to, to see many natural wonders that, so far, I have only read about. We have ancient sacred sites such as Uluru and Kata Tjuta (the Olgas).. we have rainforests where our nature spirits live... we have Sacred Aboriginal sites where I can sit, we have our bush where I can walk and trees that have been here since time began.

I found this when I did a search for Sacred sites in Australia: In Central NSW extensive megalithic stone alignments and other astronomical structures dating back 10 000 to 15 000 years and which suggests the former presence in Australia of a highly advanced civilization of unknown origin. These structures include standing stones weighing 20 tons and carved stone heads. The heads were found near mysterious stone alignment and other formations.
I can make flower essences from our native plants and I can use our very own crystals that are found nowhere else in the world. I am beginning to feel like I belong here.....
SO
I have decided to 'postpone' my trip to Cornwall.. I have lost the desire to walk the land of my ancestors, I don't know why this has happened but I feel a need to find myself here in this land that I was born to and the option to travel to England is always there for me if I ever want or need to. Is it the right decision? I don't know, but I have to follow my inner guidance.

happening at Inglewood - my potatoes are up, my tomatoes are in and I have zucchini, ruby chard and rhubarb all growing nicely. I hope to put beans and cucumbers in this weekend. We have a family of sparrows in one of my birdhouses and last week, I had a magpie accompany me nearly all day while I gardened... she sat with me as I weeded and dug... I am indeed blessed in this life...

yes, I am back... dealing with stuff and trying to love myself (simply, the mutterings of a mad woman)

I am home safe n sound.. have been for a few days but I have been dealing with 'issues' that arose from things that happened on the trip....I don't like that I sent anger and negativity out into the Earth.... She does not need it.. there is enough grey energy around without me adding to it.. so now I must sit and meditate sending love & peace out and work through stuff. The past few days I have realized that I don't love or appreciate myself and now I am working on that as well... I am dreadfully hard on myself and it is time to cherish the wonderful person that I am... to work on and heal issues that I have....

we rode through my ancestors country.. and I truly felt them around me. It was an amazing experience to be on the back of the bike, seeing huge trees and feeling as one with them, feeling my ancestors there with me. I don't think I could ever explain exactly how it felt. Connected and belonging. I thought of my great-grandmother, Viola and how she had fallen in love with & married a fettler on the railways and was banished from the family for 'marrying down'.. I saw her as a young girl, falling in love with someone 'beneath her'.... thinking he was the man of her dreams.. sadly, he ended up an abusive alcoholic.. a very sad life for her.

all in all the time away was fun - we saw lots of gorgeous magickal rainforests, I decided to have a tattoo and am now in the process of choosing a design - heavily leaning towards a Celtic Tree of Life and maybe a small Daisy (although I think I will save that til I get to Cornwall, SweetPea had one done when she scattered Daisies ashes)..... I danced to a rock band at a night concert and ate lots of yummy food... so the time was not all bad.....

my garden here at Inglewood is an absolute delight right now... the ancient apple tree is incredible - so many blooms and the buzzing of the bees can be heard inside!!

my Rhubarb is huge right now and my citrus is also laden with flowers... my lilac is in full bloom too. I think this must be the best it has ever been. I adore the perfume of Lilac... kinda takes me back somewhere.

I am really looking forward to starting 'Soul Journey' with Jamie in November and have created a new blog for it.. will put a link soon.

My dear friend Mari-Nanci has discontinued comments :

"PLEASE READ... Thank you
Comments have been discontinued on my blogs, for a while.

I hope no one will be offended by this.

I need to spend less time on the Net. My choice.

And I couldn't expect people to comment on my blogs, when I'm not returning those comments, in their blogs. :-)"

and I am thinking of doing the same... blogging takes up alot of time and I am in Spring Cleaning & Gardening mode as well as needing to spend alot more time on my spiritual life..... still not sure what to do.... however if you come one day and find comments disabled please understand the reasons...

just call me YOGI and our little bundle of joy......

i am like a hibernating bear lately... all I want to do is roll up in a ball and sleep. It seems that my body is VERY intune with the season this year... lucky for me I am able to do that and the past weeks all I seem to be doing is getting under that vintage eiderdown in front of the fire and sleeping.... well in between running outside to the clothes line to hang clothes on the line... and of course my usual daily chores still get done..but not much more... except of course - excavating my authentic self/my wise woman... I cannot even bring myself to go out into the garden.. I try but something inside shrieks to get back into the warm and also to look outside at Mother Earth..she is resting so I must take advice from her, I think. friends have been commenting and I naughtily have not been visiting blogs... it is so cold that I cannot spend much time here on the computer... so please don't think I am ignoring your blogs... you are all constantly in my thoughts.

just lately, I have been reminiscing about my childhood .. I have been going through my old books, the ones that I have kept all those years and of course I have Heidi and Little Women.. and but I also have a book that I 'won' back in 1964 when I was 6 at Sunday School.. called the Good Shepherd.. to look through that book and to see the sticker inside the front cover helped me to connect a tiny bit more with the little girl and the woman that is buried deep inside...bit by bit I am uncovering ME.. and it is good. I love it!! I am falling in love all over again with life, my home and my soul mate..

I am beginning to sound soppy lately.. but I am at such a peaceful place.. a place that I have probably never been before in my life.. it has been a struggle and the journey is far from over... but oh at the moment I feel soul settled!
now to this little bundle of JOY....

Harry 4 months old now! he is recovering after his time in hospital however, he had tests done yesterday and the Drs have found what they call kidney refulx.. he now has to go back to the pediatrician to see where they will go from here *sigh*... I am not going to say why us? although I do wonder... I spoke to my daughter yesterday and she is ok.. trying to be wise I gave her all the cliches... you know - there are worse off... a lesson in life.... things happen for reasons... you chose this path..... but she said to me 'mum, this is still my own baby and no-one is more important than him' - which pretty much says it all. ahh my daughter a wise woman already.

the day after New Moon

gee, two posts in two days!! but I just had to get it all down! (to 'get this' post, you must read the previous one about the new moon)
Yesterday, I suffered.. I tried to be 'nice' to Joe when he came home, but I still felt frustrated and angry.. so I just said nothing and anyhow, he had done not a thing wrong so why take this all out on him?
After watching Sense and Sensibilities, I went and sat in my Sacred Room to sit in silence, to maybe pull a card and to release anger, grumpiness & bitterness... but as I sat, I wriggled and I fidgeted.. so I gave up and just pulled an animal card which was Magpie.. indicating 'spiritual knowledge and the power that comes with it. True wisdom must be deserved and gathered over a lifetime and embraced as a way of life..it must become a path of the heart, explored with absolute devotion'.. yes, I thought to myself, I kind of do that...then..'we must turn our weaknesses into strengths and our darkest hours into gifts of power.. embark on an expedition to reclaim inner balance and authority'... Magpie is a doorkeeper to other realms, a guardian who lets only those willing to honour the sacred balance between the good and bad,light and dark and feminine and masculine in all things to explore her world..' then it went on to say 'your are being guided to a place of awareness. You are being primed for a deepening of purpose.. magpies arrival heralds an obligatory confrontation of fears & a reshuffling of thoughts.. ' and the funny thing is that yesterday while hanging my washing out, a magpie accompanied me.. wasn't scared on bit and sat on the fence for quite some time while I stirred my comfrey tea.....

then I sat and decided that to clear this angry energy it might be a good idea to strip my altar, leave it bare til sometime in the future and clean up the room.. put books away, pick up scribbled notes and fold blankets up, anointed my feet and hands with Spikenard Oil that was sent to me by someone I love dearly xo and as I anointed I closed my eyes and asked for help.... It was not a very tidy space for a sacred one...and as I put books away, something fell out of one, something I had made a book mark out of... something that made alot of sense to me as I read it...


The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.


~ Rumi ~

so how is that for being helped from beyond? I had no intention of tidying that room at 10pm last night, no intention at all.
(by the way - the Animal dreaming cards are by Scott Alexander King.. and I can thoroughly recommend them!)

co-incidence?? or syncronicity?

When you're down and troubled
And you need some loving care
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night

If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you'll hear me knocking at your door

Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
When people can be so cold
They'll hurt you, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don't you let them

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend

as I was driving to my Wild Women group yesterday, I had an urge to put a CD on to listen to as I drive.... I usually drive along listening to my own thoughts.. but for some reason I wanted music.. so I chose Carole King - Tapestry... flicking through the songs..and on came 'You've got a friend' ....as I listened to the words, I thought of Daisy and how it could be her singing to me... ..'close your eyes and think of me... and soon, I will be there........' ...
and off I went to art class... came home, did some painting, some washing up and did some 'research' for the Midsummer post on the Faery blog.... I searched Daisy's blog for her words on Midsummer... and as I read, I saw the words (or rather, they jumped out at me : 'As we went in, Carole King was singing I've got a friend, which I had to admit nearly broke me up as it is one of my favourite songs'.......

I must admit... I just about choked when I read that...was it just a co-incidence or synchronicity or was it Daisy telling me she is really there for me... I know what I would like to believe!

you've come a long way baby.... my thoughts on Daisy

one year ago today...... (even though the date was actually June 16th.. today I mark the anniversary as I will never forget THAT Sunday morning......)

a year ago today, I woke to an inbox full of emails and I didn't know why... each one said 'I am so sorry Robyn, my thoughts are with you'... one said 'Robyn,go to Daisy's blog!' and as I read, I felt stunned, had no idea.. until I came to one from Sweet-pea.. telling me that her mum had died during the night.... I just gulped and felt sick, sick to my soul, so I 'raced' over to "cats in the kitchen, flora in the garden' hoping it was not true, but there it was, my dearest friend had left this life. I was stricken with grief, truly. I ran and told Joe and he hugged me while I sobbed. .....

I blogged, then I stopped, then I blogged some more: still Wednesdays child

(from my journal):the day she passed over, a blackbird visited my garden. an english blackbird, not a crow. It sat and looked at me for quite awhile, just looking and turning its head every now and then. It was a standing joke between Daisy and I - these blackbirds are not a native to our country and a family have taken my garden on as their home.. they throw mulch off, left right and centre and I would often complain about them.. Daisy advised to leave them be as they eat snails. I hadn't seen one in my garden for over two months.. they usually disappear at this time of year, but there she was, sitting on a branch near my back door.

a whole year... where has that time gone? Not a day goes by without me thinking of my twin soul and I still feel pangs of missing her, so, so much. Of what would have been when I met her on my trip to Cornwall next year, going to see her much loved Dene Cottage and walking around her village and through the magickal places that she talked about on her blog.... I know she is with me, leading me, guiding me but not being in the flesh... well, it is kind of second best, know what I mean?
I miss organising a time to meditate together, I miss her wisdom and her teachings, I miss her advice and support. I miss our connection with Cornwall, I miss her Daisy ramblings on her blog (I still read it often), I miss her telling of her twinkling lights in her bedroom, of her faery adventures, of her burning incense and snuggling with hot chocolate, of her cooking delights for her children..... I dreadfully miss HER.

And I know this is going to sound quite sad.. but I miss the Sabbat gifts... each Sabbat we would each send to the other a small gift to celebrate... nothing much, just bits n pieces... Daisy always sent me some incense that she ordered specially from the Goddess and the Green Man and other bits of magick appropriate to the sabbat.. I miss that.. I miss gathering bits to send to her, waiting in anticipation for her to open her gift and finding out how she loved it all.. I miss it all dreadfully. Not a day goes by without me thinking of her in some way.
Last year just before she passed, she emailed me and told me that she had sent my Yule gift..

"I am posting your yule bundle to you today, unfortunately, it is not as symbolic of the Winter Solstice as I would have liked, but a nice package anyways. You know what it is like looking for Yule stuff in June. Hope it gets to you in time, and nasty customs don't keep it for a month this time."

and I received it a few days after she died and mine to her arrived after she had passed.

In my package was a string of blue butterflies that I hung above my bed and each morning as i wake up, I see them... and remember Daisy. She also sent me a bundle of fabrics from her collection and I just never knew what to do with them.. so I have decided to make two podlings... one for me and one to give away to someone who knew her through blogging...(see below)

I look back on my emails from the days just after Daisy's death, from all my blogging friends - Ninnie who shared her OK story with me, talking to Gemma on the phone, Denise calling me from the UK and talking to me on yahoo, Colette for her wise words of support, Tinker for her love, Swampy who I didn't know at all, for his kind words, Sheila for her constant emails to make sure I was ok... Kim..Rowan for her emails, Julie....Annie, Krissie & Annie*!*...to Amelia, who doesn't have a blog but took the time to email me ....I can't begin to put everyone down and for everyone mentioned, there are two or three more... all supporting and caring me through what I think of as one of THE worst times of my life and I still feel a well of thanks.... and I say THANKYOU for that. It helped get me through one of the saddest times of my life.

I think of Sweet-Pea and how she is going...of how Dene Cottage is... how the garden is and how her 'other half' is coping.... how her son is going and how her mother is faring..... and I hope that oneday, soon, I will be able to see all of that in person.

I have come a long way, I have grown, stumbled. questioned, complained. Cried and cried some more..... But I have grown. I have come to a good place and I have met many new friends, some of whom I feel a real connection to.. ... but yes, still missing Daisy dreadfully...

so to those who have stuck by me in the past year: a huge thankyou! You are all angels in my life xoxo

** a podling is a Daisy creation... she sent me the first one she ever made. watch my blog for details over the next week... open to those people who knew Daisy... for those of you who didn't I have a little gift-away in her memory !

*Did you know Celts considered daisies to be the spirits of children who died at birth.
*In Christian legend daisies represent the tears of Mary Magdalene; each tear she shed in repentance became a daisy upon touching the earth.



and I still cannot bring myself to delete her from my Yahoo chat list... it will be just all too final

pondering, wishing and healing.

I have been away. I went to the gypsy caravan over the past weekend and feel refreshed and less exhausted and I have changed.

I have been pondering and to be truthful, sometimes my thoughts astound me. I have been taking time to mark the changing of the seasons ~ the leaves here at the moment are breathtakingly divine.. sometimes I gasp at the colour! the air is crisp and sometimes, I can smell woodfire smoke.. I love it! The first snow drop has burst from the ground...this sign always heralds the start of my cold weather. Today dawned really cold, with a gale wind coming of snow. I lit my fire, just thinking of my ancestors doing the same many years ago.

I have been reading a book that has helped me in a way that I didn't think would happen ~ about a young girl during the plague of the 16th century, she helped to heal with herbs and was a village wise woman... when the plague broke out she scrubbed her home, cleaning it just like I do mine.. she placed rosemary and lavender around her home to purify it and talked of many different herbs and potions and I thought to myself 'that could have been me'. The book helped me to realize that scrubbing my home is ok. You see, many have made fun of my obsession with cleaning my home. I love it to sparkle and have always had a routine but always felt a little odd being like this but to read that centuries ago, a girl like me may have scrubbed like I do.... well, it just helped me alot. Today, I scrub my bathrooms with a new energy, and then I will cut myself some rosemary and lavender and hang it over the bath, to infuse the hot water when the taps are turned on.

I have realized that now is important not the past or the future... the past has made me who I am and the future...well we shall see. I realized that I am an earth healer, maybe an alchemist... and all those workshops that I have done over the past years, all the walking that I do, all the gardening and composting... is healing our earth with my energy. And I am happy that I can do my little bit to help. we must.

the perfume that I mentioned is still here. The most exquisite, un-earthyly smell. Is it Daisy? Is it my ancestors? Mary Magdalene? I guess I will never know, but each time I smell it, I just say a quiet thankyou, knowing that I am not alone.

I decided to stop fighting where I live. To stop wishing I lived in the UK. My homeland here is a gorgeous ancient land and for me to grow, I need to embrace it with both hands, my heart and my soul... and I know that I can do this and I will most probably uncover the mystery of why I am here.

I have decided to work on my own health, using tinctures and decoctions, salves and poultices. Using my own herbs. But to do this, I must research a little. I don't want to go and get a degree in herb science. I don't want to do biology. I want to heal with herbs as I did many lifetimes ago. Simply. No degrees, no tests, just learning with delight. So I am going to put it out there and believe that my ancestors will guide me to the right person who can help me with this.
Tonight I begin a six week art workshop ~ called 'Paint your canvas' - a group of women will get together and share their journey through art... I cannot wait.. this is something that I have been wishing for, for along time.

so here I am dear friends, back to blogging - different but the same.

bare with me ~ on blogging.....

since receiving an email yesterday from someone whose blog I use to visit... informing me that she is no longer feeling the need to blog, no longer feeling the need to document her life and was going out to live life, to enjoy life.. in her words: "I am giving energy into some deep dreams of mine ~ ..... writing books, gardening and also being more conscious of my precious moments. More love, more be-ing, more allowing. Less to-do lists, less needing to be something else, less documentation.
What this means is also clearing away those things that don't nourish and give energy to these dreams of mine. One of these offerings back into the earth is releasing the need to blog. After three years of documenting my life, it is time to spend that energy in new and beautiful ways........"

and I got to thinking... why do I blog? I have struggled with it for quite awhile now and I am beginning to believe it may be an addiction. I live my life for my blog... whenever I am doing something.. I am thinking constantly of how I can 'report' this on my blog.. to make it interesting for others to read... and all the while I am thinking, I am not living the moment.. I am not enjoying that moment of my life.. I am not really present in my life. I do my housework but I am not present... not in the moment. And I fear, that this is not normal
I know my blog is supposed to be an online journal... but why not record all of my thoughts into a real journal? a real paper one.... where I sit and write my thoughts and feelings in real life.... One that I can decorate and create in, one where I can discover me.
I wake in the morning and after doing my yoga & stuff, I turn the computer on to see who has commented or who has emailed me... then I leave it on while I dash around doing chores.. all the while peeking to see if someone has emailed or commented. I am not taking time to be with myself at all. I am even beginning to wonder if blogging has something to do with my emotional rollercoaster... as I was not like this before i started blogging..... I was sensitive and a searcher but not this up & down that has been happening over the past few years.

Like I said to a friend this morning: "I love blogging.... do i walk away fully or cut down on keeping up with everyone and only visiting those I have a real friendship with? I would hate to lose touch with some.. so how to decide? I don't know.
all I know is that it takes up way too much of my time and I tend to stay on the computer or rather, leave it on, just incase someone emails me or comments... I am sure you understand.
But blogging for me is also a contact with the outside world, really. I don't have alot of close friends, I tend to be a loner so this contact is important to me..
*sigh* I need a happy medium"

or is blogging something that spirit wants me to do? Is it part of the Divine plan - getting like minded people together across the vastness of the Earth? Linking us all up in the only way possible.....Do my chatter & thoughts help someone else?

I don't have an answer... when I think of not blogging, I get a panic attack... like I am going to lose a life line.... so I truly do not know what to do.

no messin' with mister in-between...

the other night, I meditated...with a shawl wrapped around my shoulders... a shawl that Sweet-Pea sent to me..very similar to one that Daisy owned....

and as I sat with my eyes closed.. wondering if meditation really worked or if anyone was out there in Spirit-Land... feeling very much like Mork trying to contact Orson..... I heard Daisy whisper thoughts to me about my blogging....
"write your blog like I did... people love to read about your daily life, just like you loved to read about mine. tell them what you see. what you hear. And when you feel sad & lonely, write to me."

then, I heard strains of this song... filter through my inner ears.....

"You've got to accentuate the positive, Eliminate the negative,
Latch on to the affirmative Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum, Bring gloom down to the minimum,
Have faith or pandemonium Liable to walk upon the scene"

I've got to believe and trust that is was truly Daisy and not my imaginings....

 

connected-ness

I took my previous post down, well because when i wrote it, I was sad,then I put it back up as I was denying my shadow side.... and it is time to face her! and although still sad... I am also happy.. not sure if that makes sense... but my sadness is not an all the time sadness and it is not depression .... most times, I laugh and chatter but sometimes.. like a flash, this soul sadness, this yearning comes to visit and I feel disconnected.
st night, I went for a walk to Echo Point in Katoomba.. the mist was rolling in and it was quite cold. and as the mist rolled in, I felt connected. I felt connected to Earth. And looking deep into the valley where it is green and dark, and the mist was swirling around, parting then covering again...... it reminded me of somewhere that I know in my soul, I heard voices from long ago - not with my ears but inside somewhere .... This place, Katoomba, is a power spot for me..
While I was standing there at Echo Point, looking out at the mist.. I noticed a woman about my age.. sitting, looking quite sad, lost and lonely and realized that she was just like me.... lost and searching, with a sadness she had but she didn't know why ... and I felt not quite so alone. So many of us seem to searching right now. I felt like hugging her but I didn't.. so I just looked into her eyes and smiled.. and she smiled back.




This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

feeling fragile and struggling

i am writing this post not to complain about my life but to put down how I am feeling right now... lets see - the moon is in her waning phase so that may be one of the reasons I am feeling so emotionally fragile... the past few months, actually since my mum had her heart operation, I have not been well and over summer, I have had allergies like never before and I have tried everything without success.. and it is getting me down. I have friends who drink a bottle of wine a night and smoke cigarettes like they are going out of fashion and they are as healthy as an ox. Me - I eat well, drink the required amount of water, meditate, do yoga, walk - well you get what I am saying.. and I am sick. Not sick to the point of having to be in bed but a general not feeling well and these allergies.. are getting me down. Topped with the feeling of aloneness that I have - and damn it.. I am just sick and tired of it all.
Spiritually I feel alone, oh yes, I can call in the goddess, I can sit with the divine, I can meditate and hope that Daisy will come into my vision or that Laura may give me some words of advice... but truthfully, it is not real.. they are not there in the flesh... I can read books and pull cards and even though they make alot of sense at the time.. they just don't stay with me. I can pretend that I play with the faeries.. but are they really there? do all these things really exist? I feel sceptical .. I try, try, try to believe and sometimes I convince myself that I do .. but I need to see proof... angels, God/Goddess, faeries, spirits... no proof at all.. imaginings yes, but no proof. doubting Thomas? yes. Maybe this is it. Maybe this life is all there is.. maybe past lives are an imagining. who knows... gee, I sound like a real case now!

I have Joe, I know and I am blessed with that.. I have my children, yes... but I still feel lonely. Get in touch with my inner self? hmm yes, I guess but what will that do.. I can walk by myself in the bush or garden by myself... but all that still does not take away the soul lonliness. my inner self is really me anyhow.
I can go see counsellors, yes.. I have but they just don't get it, they don't get what I am saying, what I am wanting. I am a strong person, I know that there must be an answer somewhere for me. I am sick of reading that the world is going through a huge change right now.. the vibrations are accelerating.... or that we are all one (if we are all one.. why can't I tap into someone else's soul peace?).. maybe 'they' are right... but how come I am not having any wonderful spiritual awakenings? Why is it such a struggle for me? why can't I just not worry about it, like my friend Marion.. who believes in nothing at all. I am sick of reading Louise Hay and trying to work out why I have allergies.. when really they are from the grass that is blooming prolifically everywhere here right now. I am sick of trying to find a natural therapist who won't insist on putting me on a wheat free diet.. I just want to break out and take chemicals for once !!! But my strong self won't let me.

so what to do? ~ truthfully... I don't know. I just want to sit and cry. I want someone to understand exactly what I am trying to say. I want to stop sneezing. I want to stop worrying about genetically modified foods and what they mean.. I want to stop worrying about eating organically when it is so expensive for the everyday person, I want to stop worrying about whether I am asking the universe for things in the right way - I want to stop worrying about which affirmations to say today. I want to stop searching for my truth, for my past. I want to be able to live in the moment, in this life.. and be at peace.
I want a best friend. One who is just for me. One who I can lean on, one who won't get sick of my questions... I know that no-one can do my journey for me, nor does anyone have all the answers but I am sick of this soul searching, this soul aloneness... maybe I could advertise - 'wanted: one soul friend' - ha!
so in saying all of this.... I am really and truly taking a break. I am not sure for how long. I hope to come back refreshed and full of joy. I hope to come back and say - hey guys, my allergies are gone...
I am going to continue journalling in my private blog cause it really does help me to get my head sorted ....so bye for a little while.. I will continue to visit and comment - cya when I am sorted!!

**** oh lord, re-reading this post, I have just realized that according to "The Secret' - by posting all these feelings, I will most probably attract more of the same... unless of course, the Secret is yet another hoax, another ploy by someone to make more money out of people like me who search for answers.... I don't think anyone has all the answers.. or maybe no one has any answers !!

and the winner is...bloscars - those awards in blog world & an award for YOU !

just the past few weeks, I have been awarded two blogging awards and I am very touched and grateful... I really am....
however, I must admit I have a thing about these blogging awards and in saying what I am about to say, I hope I don't sound ungrateful to those who have given me awards in the past. Because I am touched when someone thinks so much of me or my blog that they choose me.

as well as receiving awards, I have also missed out on some... and some of those I missed out on were on blogs who I thought I was a very good friend... and it hurt and I felt sad. I felt like a child that had missed out on an award on presentation night. I didn't feel at all like a '50 year old mature woman'. I felt leftout and I felt silly and petty and childish for feeling this way. I told myself to get over it. I told myself, just like my mother did many years ago, that not everyone can win an award, but that didn't help either.

I know these awards eventually get around to everyone.. so does it really matter when we get them? .... to go visiting blogs and seeing the 'award' title, scrolling down and seeing your own name isn't there, not a fun feeling at all. OR am I the only one who feels like this when they 'miss out' ?
and then once you actually do receive an award, you have to 'choose' so many others to give it to... and of course leave others out.... so how to choose 7 or 3 or 5 ??

when I receive awards I am always touched but then I always think of those like me.. who had missed out and how they felt... do they feel the same as I do when I miss out? ....... so I sat and pondered why I felt this way and tried to look at it from a different perspective... but I couldn't. So I did something creative ......
I thought that each of us is a good blogging friend to many and many are good blogging friends to many others.. so I deciced to create an award for every one who visits here.. to take and pass on to every single blogging friend who visits their blog and keep it going... the 'I am a good blogging friend award '

so take it with love, share it with love and if you wish.. link to this post so that others may see what it is all about. xoox

so, just who is miss*R and where is she from?

our weather here in Woodford has been decidedly odd ... summer comes for a day.. high heat and humidity and then the storm clouds roll in, thunder rumbles, lightning streaks across the sky and down comes the rain. and it rains and rains and rains. The temperatures drop and we get snuggled into our winter jumpers, sometimes even lighting the fire, until the next day that summer decides to show her face. I love storms. I love to be able to sit in my big pink chair that wraps its arms around me and look out at the stormy weather as the rain lashes the trees. But how I am missing my garden this summer. I have bales of lucerne that need to be put on the garden to keep this moisture in, the feverfew needs cutting back, my lemon tree looks sad and sorry for itself, needing a good fertilizing and my roses are needing their summer haircut, along with my lavender garden being totally out of control. yes, this summer has been very, very odd..

Sunday was one such day, when the sun decided to poke her hot little face out... so I put my new work boots on and started to weed and hoe. Clearing around all my vegies.... finding potatoes that were ready to be dug! Beans that I had forgotten about and picking up fallen apples, thankfully rescuing a few to make myself some stewed apples.

Joe and I had lunch on our deck and then decided to rearrange the furniture, so that my moon bathing lounge is now tucked delightfully under a tree, with swirly things hanging above me, twinkling in the moonlight.... well that is if the moon ever shows her face... she has been hidden deep under cloud cover for many, many nights! Hopefully tonight, nearly the Full Moon (exactly at at 12.35am tomorrow morning) I will be able to go out and say hello.
I am slowly getting back to real life after my time away and today I am giving Sophies room a thorough vacuuming and dusting.. she is 18 and I guess she should do it herself, but she doesn't... so for my own peace of mind, I do it once a fortnight...
I have my grandson Thomas today and we are going out for lunch and then for a browse in my favourite hippy shop in Springwood. Yesterday, I tidied a corner on my front verandah where I can do some early morning yoga without getting wet, but still having fresh air to breathe...and I am wanting to buy some bells and bits to hang and this hippy shop has a wonderful selection !

I have been having weird and wonderful dreams the past week.. and I am wondering why. You see, I haven't really had a dream that I have remembered in ages... a few weeks ago, Lee from Solsticedreamer sent me a piece of flint from Cornwall and it has been beside my bed since I got it. And since it has been there, my dreams have been very vivid, sometimes to the point of being predictive.
I am from Windsor, a Macquarie town, settled on the banks of what once was, the mighty Hawkesbury River. From billy tea, vegemite and corn on the cob, buttered and salted and from chooks in the backyard.

I am from the 1950's fibro, pastel pink and green, cold in winter, hot in summer. I am from sprinklers on the front lawn, cooling down on a hot day, ice blocks and home-made lemon cordial.

I am from lemon scented gum trees, roses sprayed for blackspot, the berry tree where adventures unfolded, the gardenia that bloomed in summer and the backyard vegetable patch. From the aganpanthus and Christmas bush and carnations, frangipani and flowering red-gum.. all blooming together in a jumbled mix.

I am from sunday roasts around the cedar table and thin straight hair. From the Nobles and the Ingalls, the wilds of Wallabadah, settlers and sheep. From the shores of Devon, the Truscotts and the Tregilgas family clan. From Percival Arthur, Laura Tregilgas and Elizabeth Curnow, from good Cornish stock. I am from Avalon. I am from the Isle of Mona, Druids and the Celts.

I am from putting the kettle on and a stiff upper lip. From brown-paper parcels tied up in string and paper bags kept in a box under the sink.

From keeping my head out of the clouds and feet on the ground and travelling the world in a book. From mountain devils, gumnuts and flannel flowers

I am from hell, fire & brimstone. finding my own path, forever searching for my own truth, getting lost and finding my way.

I'm from the great southern land, a sunburnt country. I am from Australia but my soul yearns for Cornwall. I'm from buttered, iced finger buns, poached eggs and lamb chops. From Cornish pasties, Worcestershire sauce and a good cup of tea

From the hard workers and simple folk, from tinners and sailors. from kindness and helping others. I am from and of the Divine.

so there you go..... I decided to do a Daisy type post today... with art from artists that I like and bits about my everyday life, I loved reading her blog and I still do read it from time to time... it kind of brings her close to me.. and I need it today. The Moon in Leo today, waxing and coming to the Full Moon tomorrow..... today, a day for healing and heart to heart communication, a day to eat light and simple meals and to keep up the fluids...

the search and the struggle

you know, over the past few years, it has been a struggle for me.. this searching. But today, at this moment in time, I feel comfortable in my own skin.... I know that my search will continue but I feel deep in my soul that it won't be as frantic... I seem to be more accepting of 'things' and don't have that need to be liked and accepted by every single person that I come across. The need to belong is going... tomorrow, who knows but right now, I am in a good place. 'at last' - I can hear you all sigh!

I have changed my banner (yet again) to something that really resonates with me right now... the photo is one from my birthday and I chose it because Ruth emailed me and said : "I really love the photo of you with your faery wings on. I haven't seen such a close-up photo of you before and I felt quite strangely tearful when I looked into your eyes - I'm sure that I know you, and have done for a very long time!. I just kind of recognised you - and teary in the way that one feels when a piece of music is deeply stirring in some unknown way."

Are they eyes the doorway to the soul? It is amazing how this world wide web that we are weaving is actually connecting us all to souls from past lives. It is like it has all been planned with a bigger picture in mind.. well, of course it has! what an exciting journey we are all on and I feel blessed that each of you have come into my life .

at the moment I am trying Ayurvedic lifestyle 'rituals'... being a definite vatta body-type, I really thrive on routine so this is working for me right now. And I have a few books going... one is by Denise Linn - Secrets and Mysteries, the glory and pleasure of being a woman and the other is by Pythia Peay - Soul Sisters... oh and for lighter reading - Jane Eyre, which believe it or not, I have never read in my life. I tell you, I am a late bloomer! It seems I am living my life backwards... I swear, I am getting younger every day!

I haven't been in my garden in a long time.. it is either raining or too darn hot to venture outside and I am desperate to get my hands into the soil.. and also to go on my bush-walks once more...