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"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)


Tuesday, 9 December 2008

i don't feel like i BELONG ~ the ancestors have heard and now they take me on another soul journey....

oh! the way my ancestors & soul self are working!!!

this is a journey that I never expected to take.... one that has not bothered me until now. This could turn into a controversial post, it is not meant to be.. some Australians don't even think about what I write below, it doesn't bother them at all, it is not an issue for them... which of course is fine.. but it does bother me, this feeling of not belonging and I don't even expect my international friends to understand what I am writing about... this post is for me to sort out things that have come up in the past few weeks... and I choose to put my thoughts down here ...

a few hundred years ago, people were sailing all around the world to find new lands, to discover new territories, to conquer the world. I guess it was part of the Big Plan.... and Australia was discovered by the English/Dutch?? - never know which... and promptly settled.... and of course the indigenous people were here when they arrived... So much happened in those years... awful things that I won't go into as this post is not about that... but there are big issues here in Australia, concerning what happened.. bigger than huge as one of my friends has put it... but this is not a history lesson and heaven forbid that it become political ... all this is, is this girls search to belong......

1958 - a baby girl came into the world. .. born in Australia.... probably wondering what the hell she was doing here.... but it was all planned and this life was for her to journey in this country, to find her roots and her belonging.... introducing ME.

I am not Indigenous Australian, but I am native Australian - 7th generation Australian, on one branch of my tree


NATIVE: born in a particular place or country....yes, that is me.

being brought up in a white community and being told by teachers at school and many community members, that the whites were better than the aboriginals, that the aboriginals were 'savages'...well, sadly i believed it. AND I AM ASHAMED OF THAT..(I am also a little afraid of the aboriginals, I don't know how to relate to them.. don't know what to say.. I have no idea why.. maybe years of collective guilt and shame - I need to work through all of this, and I will ).... As I went through my teen years, I didn't think much of it at all.. just got on with life and what life presented to me. I yearned for England, knowing that is where some my ancestors came from... thinking that if I found my connection, then I would find home... I found my connection in Cornwall, as many of you know back to the 14th century.... and something settled in my spirit but I still felt that I did not connect with this ancient land that I was born to..... I was still restless, lost.

just lately, dreams and meditations began to take a different road... I dreamed of the land, I started to walk in the bush, absorbing the energies, falling in love with the environment here.. loving the flowers and native birds.... all of which I hated as a younger woman. I dreamed of my childhood and all those things of Australia that I loved when I was a child.. heaven forbid, I even started to defend my country in conversation!! It is like I am absorbing the energy of Australia at last, something in me is awakening...like the land is calling me...

And then one day a few weeks ago, while I was in my garden, I realised that I must be CONNECTED to the land, because if I wasn't, then my garden would not flourish like it did... so what was missing??? what was this yearning that I still felt?


And of course the media don't help at all.. saying that the white people are invaders.. in a way I guess they were.... but that attitude reinforced my belief that I didn't belong here.......In my journal, I was asking questions like: why do I feel like a trespasser? Is it not my land too?

I meditated some more...heard voices...I dreamed of making a medicine bag, I was given the gift of a Magpie totem..... and then an invitation to a women's initiation ceremony....I was on the back of the bike the other day, riding through areas that I grew up in, the land of the Dharug people and as I looked out into the bush as we rode by, I felt a welcoming spirit, like the trees were calling me and I began to feel a stirring of belonging, that the ancestors of the land were ok with me being here.. a friend put a book into my hands, written by an Australian man..Peter Read, not much older than I am and the book is called 'Belonging' ~ all about his childhood and how he felt like he didn't belong.. like he was intruding and about his journey through that.... and as I read it, i realised that it wasn't a connection that I was searching for.. it was a belonging....I wanted to feel & believe that I belong here.... and so my journey begins.....

starting Midsummer.. I am planning on doing a ritual at a Sacred Women's place not far from where I live, a place that I only found out about last week from a friend... she told me of this magickal area where women can go... called Minnehaha Falls... a place where I can ask forgiveness for what I had believed, to let go of notions of not being welcome and to allow myself to belong... then I am going to journey some more... which will be my journey of belonging.

24 comments:

Kavindra said...

Wow Robyn there is some really potent stuff going on in and around you. Magical, growing or discovering roots, and all kinds of things you haven't seen before down in the dark where things grow ...
Minnehaha sounds wonderful, so many things are landing like gentle birds onto your lap these days. I can't wait to hear where this mysterious unfinished journey leads ...
xo

Fire Byrd said...

This is so powerful Robyn.
It comes across that finally there is an air of being content with who and where you are.
I think the Summer Solstice ceremony sounds just right for you.
I wish you peace and joy on this special journey to yourself.
xx

Tori said...

This is just an amazing post. I can picture your journey so clearly in my head. I won't pretend to know how to relate, I can't. I wish you luck on this journey. I'm sure you'll find success.
<3

Wendy said...

Oh this is a winding path we walk in this life. I like the old legends of the aboriginals of australia, and the native indians of north america. Those indiginous people had a connection to the earth that came naturally with traditions they practiced for years and years - and passed down the generations.

We white people, whether in your continent or mine, were not born with the same magic in our bones. We are learning. At least those of us who are open to learning the wise ways.

Sometimes I think I must have caribbean blood in my bones, or maybe in another life, as I love to dance and sing. I think the island people and the blacks have a lot more fun than we do, as dancing and singing comes so naturally to them and is very much a part of their every day life.

peppylady said...

After reading your blog and thinking for moment both the united state and Australia are new compare to old country.
My dad family came on the second ship right after the Mayflower.

I often wonder why I live were I do.
And wonder why I was born in to my family.
I feel like Lisa Simpson from the Simpson.

Well the coffee is on.

Ruth said...

This is wonderful and brave Robyn. You are opening up and asking for acceptance at last from the spirit of your native land, so that is what you will find. Anyone who says otherwise - and you will probably encounter a few along the way - has wandered off the spirit road. Treat them gently, and stay grounded in your own wisdom and power. May your ancient, magical land bring you many blessings and many new friends.

Ruth said...

This is wonderful and brave Robyn. You are opening up and asking for acceptance at last from the spirit of your native land, so that is what you will find. Anyone who says otherwise - and you will probably encounter a few along the way - has wandered off the spirit road. Treat them gently, and stay grounded in your own wisdom and power. May your ancient, magical land bring you many blessings and many new friends.

Ali said...

what an amazing post ~ I have goosebumps all over me from reading it!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. The ritual sounds wonderful :-)

Krissie said...

I can empathise Robyn - I am culturally spread across three continents and dont feel as if any of them is really really 'home'. I guess it takes something else to feel as if you really belong...would love to hear other commenters on this subject. Great post as always R. . . . thought provoking.
ps you should relate to my next daily journal offering on the 10th day.

Pam said...

This is exciting Robyn. I am so supportive of you.Such an openess and honesty here - I find this fascinating.It may not be easy,knowing when to step tentatively and when to throw yourself in.It may be "all that and more".Who knows? Your curiosity and sense of adventure should stand you in good stead!If you feel a response that makes you happy (like when you're in your lovely garden) you know you're in the the right place. Right place, right people, you'll find them I'm sure. *hug*

Jamie said...

What a powerful journey you are on, Robyn. No wonder a sensitive soul like you would be impacted by the complicated energies of a land like Australia. I hope you find your sense of belonging. It sounds like it is finding its way to you.

Genie Sea said...

Blessed be, my friend.

For the tender and loving heart you have, you belong.
For the search of connectedness, you belong.
For the reaching out into the land that is your home, the earth that loves you so, the universe that supports you no matter what, you belong.

I am honored to call you soul sister. :)

Hugs.

Sacred Suzie said...

Oh I hope that this will help you feel like you belong. I really do Robyn. And you're right, if you are not connected your garden wouldn't flourish and boy, does it flourish!

Turtleheart said...

May your summer solstice ritual be blessed and fulfilling! It sounds like a wonderful, powerful thing you have chosen to do for that magical day, and I'm sure your ancestors will be with you, giving your more of their loving understanding and wisdom. *hugs*

Serena said...

May you find the belonging that you seek, (((Robyn))).

We are all born with the connection to our Higher Self - our Soul connection to spirit - which is our true 'home'. However, while indigeonous people encourage this soul connection to remain strong throughout the childhood years into adulthood, the white race seem to shun and deny that it exists....therefore, from childhood, many of us 'lose' the sense of who we really are along the way. The good thing is that we, as human vehicles for our true spiritual essence, can learn to remember and, in doing that, we find our way home and feel whole again.

love, light and peace,
serena

Winterwood said...

just had a lighbulb moment!!!! I dont think its a country that we feel as if we should belong to...its a place - mine is by the sea, regardless of country and yours in a garden - regardless of country!!! hey now thanks to you I just found that out about myself!

Caroline said...

Very powerful and exciting. I think this journey will be amazing for your spirit and nourshing for your soul. Can't wait to hear more...

solsticedreamer said...

this is a very brave post from a wonderful woman~what a fantastic journey you are on my lovely :)

gemma said...

This is fantastic. Your heart is open and accepting. So glad you've learned of the sacred falls. Robyn, I too am a transplant.(to USA) Original relatives from England and Ireland. Most of us here have come from another place.
We too were taught about inferior races....What a bunch of crud those ancestors laid on us huh?
All those lessons learned by you is why you are now a goddess.
xx

Night Owl said...

I hope you find that belonging feeling. Happy christmas & Happy Summer Solstice :-)

linda may said...

G'Day Rob, Yeah I am O.K. just have not been on the puter much this week.Busy with other stuff I guess.
You said you felt like a bit of an intruder here compared to the aboriginals who have been here longer and scared by them. I have felt like that too at times and been annoyed about it. We all live, breath, eat, drink etc from this great country so we all contain the same things within us, the earth itself. The same as the locals from any country in our planet eh! Like you I can trace back 7 generations from ancestors arriving here, that is right back from the start of our early colonization. What happened with the aboriginals in this country has happened all around the world where ever others traveled to settle in other countries, let me be rude for a moment, after shitting in their own nests they sought out other places to go. We have learnt a lot of things along the way but what happened was a result of the times that the early colonists lived in. We can't change that and having learnt a lot of things along the way, we now know that it was wrong what happened but we can't turn back the clock can we. Gotta go now sorry for the long rant. No harm intended. Hugs.

Sacred Suzie said...

Just wanted to mention that you can easily add animation to photos at Photobucket.

Thanks for the reminder that not everyone is celebrating the winter solstice, duh Suzie! LOL. I hope your summer solstice is going well. Has it warmed up there yet? We had a hurricane here yesterday. This place is insane.

Not to worry that you didn't do a dreamboard, the timing just wasn't right, that's all.

A bird in the hand said...

I understand what you're saying. I have lived with the sense of not belonging all my life. Sometimes I wondered if I was plonked here on Earth from some other planet. I'm different from my surroundings; my education and life are not the norm. After a lifetime of feeling I was on the outside looking in, I've just accepted it. How? With the passage of time, the feelings have mellowed, I've settled into my life and I make the most of it. It doesn't bother me anymore. It's perhaps my strength.

Porta said...

Hey Robyn:
I just googled “I don't feel like I belong” and you popped up. I was born before you in America. Around the age of five… I had visions of wearing a long white dress with a garland in my hair, running around a forest. The sun was shinning thought the trees and I could see rocks that still had the morning dew. Even now in spring, when I hear the first birds sing.. I can see a beautiful stone church in England and sitting on their bench and just hearing to the beautiful sounds. I started to write poetry about England.. ”now come on, I’m an American “ I shouldn’t be doing that. I started latter in life looking up my family tree and I have traced almost 900 names back to England.. I have now been to England 8 times. I’m really starting to believe in genetic memory. I really needed to live there for 2 years but I can’t afford it now and I’m not thrilled with the health care system. Happy Holidays, Haley