"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

feeling fragile and struggling

i am writing this post not to complain about my life but to put down how I am feeling right now... lets see - the moon is in her waning phase so that may be one of the reasons I am feeling so emotionally fragile... the past few months, actually since my mum had her heart operation, I have not been well and over summer, I have had allergies like never before and I have tried everything without success.. and it is getting me down. I have friends who drink a bottle of wine a night and smoke cigarettes like they are going out of fashion and they are as healthy as an ox. Me - I eat well, drink the required amount of water, meditate, do yoga, walk - well you get what I am saying.. and I am sick. Not sick to the point of having to be in bed but a general not feeling well and these allergies.. are getting me down. Topped with the feeling of aloneness that I have - and damn it.. I am just sick and tired of it all.
Spiritually I feel alone, oh yes, I can call in the goddess, I can sit with the divine, I can meditate and hope that Daisy will come into my vision or that Laura may give me some words of advice... but truthfully, it is not real.. they are not there in the flesh... I can read books and pull cards and even though they make alot of sense at the time.. they just don't stay with me. I can pretend that I play with the faeries.. but are they really there? do all these things really exist? I feel sceptical .. I try, try, try to believe and sometimes I convince myself that I do .. but I need to see proof... angels, God/Goddess, faeries, spirits... no proof at all.. imaginings yes, but no proof. doubting Thomas? yes. Maybe this is it. Maybe this life is all there is.. maybe past lives are an imagining. who knows... gee, I sound like a real case now!

I have Joe, I know and I am blessed with that.. I have my children, yes... but I still feel lonely. Get in touch with my inner self? hmm yes, I guess but what will that do.. I can walk by myself in the bush or garden by myself... but all that still does not take away the soul lonliness. my inner self is really me anyhow.
I can go see counsellors, yes.. I have but they just don't get it, they don't get what I am saying, what I am wanting. I am a strong person, I know that there must be an answer somewhere for me. I am sick of reading that the world is going through a huge change right now.. the vibrations are accelerating.... or that we are all one (if we are all one.. why can't I tap into someone else's soul peace?).. maybe 'they' are right... but how come I am not having any wonderful spiritual awakenings? Why is it such a struggle for me? why can't I just not worry about it, like my friend Marion.. who believes in nothing at all. I am sick of reading Louise Hay and trying to work out why I have allergies.. when really they are from the grass that is blooming prolifically everywhere here right now. I am sick of trying to find a natural therapist who won't insist on putting me on a wheat free diet.. I just want to break out and take chemicals for once !!! But my strong self won't let me.

so what to do? ~ truthfully... I don't know. I just want to sit and cry. I want someone to understand exactly what I am trying to say. I want to stop sneezing. I want to stop worrying about genetically modified foods and what they mean.. I want to stop worrying about eating organically when it is so expensive for the everyday person, I want to stop worrying about whether I am asking the universe for things in the right way - I want to stop worrying about which affirmations to say today. I want to stop searching for my truth, for my past. I want to be able to live in the moment, in this life.. and be at peace.
I want a best friend. One who is just for me. One who I can lean on, one who won't get sick of my questions... I know that no-one can do my journey for me, nor does anyone have all the answers but I am sick of this soul searching, this soul aloneness... maybe I could advertise - 'wanted: one soul friend' - ha!
so in saying all of this.... I am really and truly taking a break. I am not sure for how long. I hope to come back refreshed and full of joy. I hope to come back and say - hey guys, my allergies are gone...
I am going to continue journalling in my private blog cause it really does help me to get my head sorted bye for a little while.. I will continue to visit and comment - cya when I am sorted!!
**** oh lord, re-reading this post, I have just realized that according to "The Secret' - by posting all these feelings, I will most probably attract more of the same... unless of course, the Secret is yet another hoax, another ploy by someone to make more money out of people like me who search for answers.... I don't think anyone has all the answers.. or maybe no one has any answers !!


Krissie said...

(((((((((Hugs))))))) MY allergies are bad too. I wake up sneezing and go to bed like it too. I think its just a bad year for it? I hope so otherwise I will get depressed. I dont think anyone understands how debilitating these allergies and the sneezing etc are until experienced. have a good break I will miss you but stay well and hope you come back refreshed!!!

peppylady said...

So sorry to hear your in the dumps.

I have so many question about the meaning of life. I know I started to feel better once I let the world or who every read my blog about my pass and I'm started to move in a more positive way.

I suffers from asthma and allergies and certain things in the enivorment will make me weeze and some of the medicine will just plain drug me out like I'm a zombie.

So hope you get and stay well so you can come back soon.

Bimbimbie said...

oh Robyn I'm sorry you are feeling low today. I hope creating in your journal puts your world in a better place. personal opinion on those self help books .... I leave them to gather dust in the bookstore and I rather wish their authors would sit there too *!* smiles & love x

Tracy said...

{{HUGS}} Robyn, hope you feel better soon! You'll be missed.

Julie Marie said...


This too shall pass.

I wish I could understand more of what you are going through, but I do know that winter here takes so much out of me that I barely exist during the dark months. All I can do is exist and endure until it is light again. I sort of go underground and really curtail my activities and even my movements.

Maybe you need to lay low as well,with your spirtual seeking, anyway.

And remember when a person is ill they naturally think more gloomy thoughts.

I guess I can understand your desire not to take prescription meds. I do hope you find a solution, my dear.



solsticedreamer said...

oh robyn~look after yourself~go and do things for you and you alone, your blogging and you will be missed but come back only when you are ready too

remember we love you

Ruth said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling low. I always find the best cure is to go and do something practical and outdoors, or something you don't normally do. Hope you soon feel better. xxx

Lady Laurie said...

I hope you are feeling better Robyn, not just your allergies, but in your soul searching. I know sometimes I don't want to deal with anything at all because it literally drains me.
Sending you hugs))

Anonymous said...

You do sound just like me. Hope you feel more positive soon {{{hug}}}

A bird in the hand said...

Forget the self-help books. They just keep repeating what we already know, and what the world has always known.

Mind and body are connected. Physically you're doing good things, but it seems the body is "allergic" to what is going on in your mind. You can change your thoughts, yes you can. Write yourself a note to do so, because when you're in the depths of those thoughts, you forget you have tools. xoxo

Pear tree cottage! said...

Dear Robyn, there is just one person who can help you in this time of feeling as you do......and I know you do know who it is (smiles) yes you!!

There is a saying to have a soul mate to have a friend, to even tuck under your wing a fairy! to sprinkle fairy dust on your very path is all going to happen if you first can do the same for others. This has been you for the years I have read your blog so now it is time for others to take your hand not you take theirs and it will and does happen you just have to know what you see.

I understand you feel unwell at the moment and it is nothing anyone can truly put their finger on, yes that is because you have to find it yourself.

I think I can help with that, your allergies (no I can only guide & tell you my way of dealing with allergies) you then can help yourself if you wish.

You have to find a beehive keeper who has beehives out in the quiet of the bush were they enjoy all weathers and the seasons come and go.....then you ask the bee keeper to let you have some honey straight from the hive with all the hives "bits" in it not filtered not anything - bring it home and keep it outside so the frost, rain and weather can touch the jar. Each day when you wake go outside with bare feet and have yourself a spoon full of honey while you enjoy the early morning. I know you will end up with no allergies - the time frame is up to your body. It works for me and it is going to work for you.

Sorry to make this so long but I wanted to stress to you there are many of us out here who can guide you to your path, and make you well - instead of you thinking always you have to be the teacher.

In friendship

linda may said...

Robyn, You are so talented in your writing and the expression of your feelings. I can't write like that but please be assured that lots of people sometimes feel like you do now. I made a sculpture out of terracotta clay which I have hung in my back yard along a theme of balance. I made bits that meant to me, balance with money, family, time, bits that were cut open and showed red blood glaze, bits that were smooth, rough and lumpy . All together about 25 balls strung together on clothes line wire and hung crookedly.The idea was that they should look like they might collapse and fall any moment but were still held together strongly. Meaning that different parts of our lives mesh in together but if we wait a while and hold on they will still be there and we will eventually work it out. I guess some of what you can express in writing I did in 3d.
I used to suffer from alergies and still occasionally do but they seem much less now I am getting older. Hope your's fade away too.