one year ago today...... (even though the date was actually June 16th.. today I mark the anniversary as I will never forget THAT Sunday morning......)
a year ago today, I woke to an inbox full of emails and I didn't know why... each one said 'I am so sorry Robyn, my thoughts are with you'... one said 'Robyn,go to Daisy's blog!' and as I read, I felt stunned, had no idea.. until I came to one from Sweet-pea.. telling me that her mum had died during the night.... I just gulped and felt sick, sick to my soul, so I 'raced' over to "cats in the kitchen, flora in the garden' hoping it was not true, but there it was, my dearest friend had left this life. I was stricken with grief, truly. I ran and told Joe and he hugged me while I sobbed. .....
I blogged, then I stopped, then I blogged some more: still Wednesdays child
(from my journal):the day she passed over, a blackbird visited my garden. an english blackbird, not a crow. It sat and looked at me for quite awhile, just looking and turning its head every now and then. It was a standing joke between Daisy and I - these blackbirds are not a native to our country and a family have taken my garden on as their home.. they throw mulch off, left right and centre and I would often complain about them.. Daisy advised to leave them be as they eat snails. I hadn't seen one in my garden for over two months.. they usually disappear at this time of year, but there she was, sitting on a branch near my back door.
a whole year... where has that time gone? Not a day goes by without me thinking of my twin soul and I still feel pangs of missing her, so, so much. Of what would have been when I met her on my trip to Cornwall next year, going to see her much loved Dene Cottage and walking around her village and through the magickal places that she talked about on her blog.... I know she is with me, leading me, guiding me but not being in the flesh... well, it is kind of second best, know what I mean?
I miss organising a time to meditate together, I miss her wisdom and her teachings, I miss her advice and support. I miss our connection with Cornwall, I miss her Daisy ramblings on her blog (I still read it often), I miss her telling of her twinkling lights in her bedroom, of her faery adventures, of her burning incense and snuggling with hot chocolate, of her cooking delights for her children..... I dreadfully miss HER.
And I know this is going to sound quite sad.. but I miss the Sabbat gifts... each Sabbat we would each send to the other a small gift to celebrate... nothing much, just bits n pieces... Daisy always sent me some incense that she ordered specially from the Goddess and the Green Man and other bits of magick appropriate to the sabbat.. I miss that.. I miss gathering bits to send to her, waiting in anticipation for her to open her gift and finding out how she loved it all.. I miss it all dreadfully. Not a day goes by without me thinking of her in some way.
Last year just before she passed, she emailed me and told me that she had sent my Yule gift..
"I am posting your yule bundle to you today, unfortunately, it is not as symbolic of the Winter Solstice as I would have liked, but a nice package anyways. You know what it is like looking for Yule stuff in June. Hope it gets to you in time, and nasty customs don't keep it for a month this time."
and I received it a few days after she died and mine to her arrived after she had passed.
In my package was a string of blue butterflies that I hung above my bed and each morning as i wake up, I see them... and remember Daisy. She also sent me a bundle of fabrics from her collection and I just never knew what to do with them.. so I have decided to make two podlings... one for me and one to give away to someone who knew her through blogging...(see below)
I look back on my emails from the days just after Daisy's death, from all my blogging friends - Ninnie who shared her OK story with me, talking to Gemma on the phone, Denise calling me from the UK and talking to me on yahoo, Colette for her wise words of support, Tinker for her love, Swampy who I didn't know at all, for his kind words, Sheila for her constant emails to make sure I was ok... Kim..Rowan for her emails, Julie....Annie, Krissie & Annie*!*...to Amelia, who doesn't have a blog but took the time to email me ....I can't begin to put everyone down and for everyone mentioned, there are two or three more... all supporting and caring me through what I think of as one of THE worst times of my life and I still feel a well of thanks.... and I say THANKYOU for that. It helped get me through one of the saddest times of my life.
I think of Sweet-Pea and how she is going...of how Dene Cottage is... how the garden is and how her 'other half' is coping.... how her son is going and how her mother is faring..... and I hope that oneday, soon, I will be able to see all of that in person.
I have come a long way, I have grown, stumbled. questioned, complained. Cried and cried some more..... But I have grown. I have come to a good place and I have met many new friends, some of whom I feel a real connection to.. ... but yes, still missing Daisy dreadfully...
so to those who have stuck by me in the past year: a huge thankyou! You are all angels in my life xoxo
** a podling is a Daisy creation... she sent me the first one she ever made. watch my blog for details over the next week... open to those people who knew Daisy... for those of you who didn't I have a little gift-away in her memory !
*Did you know Celts considered daisies to be the spirits of children who died at birth.
*In Christian legend daisies represent the tears of Mary Magdalene; each tear she shed in repentance became a daisy upon touching the earth.
and I still cannot bring myself to delete her from my Yahoo chat list... it will be just all too final