"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)

Monday, 27 October 2008

believing in something bigger.. believing in help from beyond - a waffling post once again....

I have been away at our Gypsy Caravan by the sea.. having a glorious time meditating beside the water, completely alone and in complete silence..

I don't know where this train of thought comes from but early this morning I realized that I don't 'truly' believe in God. Or rather, I don't really think that God is there to help us on our journey.. (please remember that these thoughts below are very early morning thoughts and sometimes they trying to sort stuff out)

Oh yes, I make lip service to something bigger than I am.. I waffle on about having faith but deep down in my very soul - I believe I am here without support from a God, Goddess, angels, ancestors or spirit guides.... when something happens in my life, or when I need support or answers I ask for help from whoever i think of, but deep down, I don't really believe that i will get help, I look for signs of help from ancestors or angels.. like feathers or fragrances or even a bird or animal when or if they come, I pass it off as co-incidence.. sometimes I even try to convince myself that it is all real by telling all who will listen about it but still deep in my heart there is not that strong believing faith... I kind of think I must sort things or problems, out for myself... I also forget to ask for help alot of the time.. ... and I want this to change.

I want to remember that when a problem or issue arises that there is help from beyond and I want to believe that this is true. When I want help for my frustrations or anger with life, I want to believe and have faith that it is all being taken care of and I want to be able to let it go with complete faith. I just want to KNOW and FEEL that Laura, Hilary or my Nan are there for me. I want to totally believe that Mary Magdalene or Isis do truly care for me and are there always... and why worry about all of this anyhow? Why do I constantly ponder spiritual stuff.. when my friends are interested in cake & coffee mornings, I search for the meaning of life.. while my friends go on shopping sprees I look for the Goddess... while my friends go to movies for a girls night out, I sit and meditate... why ?? I am a tad tired of it, I tell you but i cannot change or stop...... I do believe that this is my soul purpose this time round..

(this is where I cannot wait to read comments, because i know that YOU - my wise women friends will always help me through yet another part of my spiritual journey xo)

so, now that is all out..

Beltane is almost upon us.. this Friday 31st October.. and i have a divine day planned for Joe and myself - will tell more later this week... my garden is doing really well. I have tadpoles in my pond, my potatoes are thriving and I have new herbs to plant out this week.

Tomorrow I go to my wise woman gathering and we are making dream catchers.. and I am thinking of starting belly dancing this is full & busy for me, I am revelling in it! I am in a very nice 'place' right now... I love it... even though I still 'search' & sift through my thoughts.. I am not out of control like I was.. I am more settled... even though I still have these thoughts like my above ramblings.. I am at peace..


kim said...

Sometimes I wonder if you over think this? I believe that overthinking things can stall the absorption of what we are seeking. Or because you are fervently searching, it gets overlooked.


miss*R said...

oh Kim - yes I know I overthink this (as well as other things!) - but it is something i have always, always done.. since I was a little girl... it seems to be part of my 'psyche?' *sigh* I wish to change.. but how??

smilnsigh said...

I think you are asking "Why am I different?" "Why don't I always follow the herd/crowd?" My Dear, I ask that too!!!!!

If one doesn't do "what everyone" does, {and I don't either} then we want to question ourselves. -sigh-

Let's stop questioning ourselves. Let's keep following, what our 'insides' tell us. Let's not ever convince ourselves that we have to replace OUR pursuits,ideas, etc., with what others do.

My tiredness is different from yours, at the moment. But it contains some of the same things/etc., which I hear, in your post. My tiredness comes from trying to KEEP blogging in the "pretty, warm, cozy, happy line," which so many ladies want. When I am in turmoil because I feel that the political life of my Country is in turmoil, and my whole Country is headed in the wrong direction.

So many ladies in "pretty blog land,' only want to visit people who give them warm, pretty, cozy, mellow posts. For me to keep doing so, feels like I'm living a lie. And so, I stopped giving them 'what they want.' And I will lose most of the readership, I still have.

And I don't care!

We have to know that we are correct, to follow our own knowledge of what is right for us. We have to, in my humble opinion. How else will we be true to ourselves? And if we don't stay true to ourselves, what regrets will we reap, in the future?

All my best to you, to keep finding what is best, for you. And following, what is best for you.

Gentle hugs,
Miss Mari-Nanci

Anonymous said...

Isn't it strange how we battle against our true nature? I do it all the time, wishing I could stop being or doing one thing and be or do another. Oriah Mountain Dreamer says (in her book 'The Dance') "What if the question is not 'why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be' but 'why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?'"

I'm not suggesting you don't want to be the person you are Robyn (far from it) I just think this relates to so many of us and the parts of our psyche that don't always sit well with us.

I think doubting and searching are the things that show you're human - the day you settle into blind acceptance is the day to worry about :-)

Anonymous said...

Oh and making a dream catcher? Bliss.

Wendy said...

I have read the others comments and must agree wholeheartedly. You are unique - celebrate who you are.

I have done the same - wanting to be like everybody else. It doesn't work. I even wanted to be called Susan when I was in school because there were 5 Susans in my class!! Can you believe???

Confusion, I am told means change. Change is good. Questioning is learning.
Love yourself - you're on the right track.
Love and Light.

amelia said...

I always feel this way Robyn. I can't truly believe that there are myriad gods, goddesses, spirits etc, etc just waiting out there to help us. I do believe in a higher power and I believe in creation but I don't know how...

I believe in the earth and all living things in it and on it.

I probably are not making sense either but it would take hours of discussion to even scratch the surface and on a blog it just can't be done.

Krissie said...

glad to hear your ok and doing well! great post Robyn.

Anonymous said...

My Dearest Sweetpea,

Disclaimer; "These are my personal ramblings, thoughts and beliefs and are in no way meant to be disrespectful or negative."

Having known and loved you for some time now... I am used to you seeking answers about an array of spiritual and universal questions. I believe that is something you cannot change. I think you are being prepared for one of your next lives.

I believe that life is about choices. A long time ago I was faced with this choice. I could choose whether to spend my time worrying or chewing over life's bumps or I could choose to live my life until it ends... knowing that if I was born to live... then live is what I did. I didn't waste my time on burdens that didn't need to be anymore. My choice to accept myself completely and help others 'spiritually' is the best decision I have ever made.

I don't think it matters who you believe is 'out there' or what is guiding you. I think it matters most if you believe in yourself. If you believe that you made the right choice and if you didn't... you learnt from it.
I believe that humans take themselves for granted. We are more powerful and smarter than we give ourselves opportunity to be. We cannot stop a truck from running us over or cancer from eating our flesh... but we can decide how we come through these situations into the other side. Our attitude is everything. The power of positive is a greater energy than we know.

I think that perhaps you should try a different type of meditation. Sometimes when we meditate.. it is to uncover the decisions we should make and look for signs of which way to turn.
Try reflecting at what it is that makes you who you are right now. A broad overview of all the working parts. Instead of looking forward.. look at now. Sometimes, before we can move ahead, we need to fix the flat tyre... or replace the wiper etc etc. We could talk more about this if you wish.

Another thing I would do is to look at past life regression. Perhaps yours worries and issues in this life are because of tragedy and drama in past lives?

But what do I know? lol

xox Nicole

solsticedreamer said...

why? ...because you ARE (i am not shouting i just dont know how to emphasise this word!) and that is you and how you are.
i think, as Kim mentioned, you are maybe overthinking, trying to find meaning and wisdom where there just isn't any or at leaste not where you are supposed to find it. i always have gone with the idea of 'bimble along and see whare it takes me and what it offers me'. in pagan terms, as you know my dad was what i call an 'unconscious (not literally!) pagan and my sister and i were left free of any formal religion to find our own truth and meaning~the result one pagan and one with no belief in anything! the world, the seen and unseen is all around and i am sure it does not matter what or who we believe in something/someone is there watching out for us whether we want them too or not and all the pondering and book reading to get rituals right wont change that!
so my lovely time to stop delving and worry and love the life around you and see where the river flow takes you

Tracy said...

Oh, Robyn, I feel much like you do - wanting to believe there is a Higher Power who will help, but not really believing or perhaps not feeling worthy enough to receive help, answers, whatever I need.

I tend to not follow the crowd myself and wonder why I am so different? rebellious?

I don't have any answers, but wanted you to know that I can relate and you're not alone. :)

Fire Byrd said...

I don't think it matters what you believe. Each person finds the way that is right for them, whether that is orgainised religion or not. It doesn't matter, as long as it resonates with you.
And makes sense of your journey to you.

A bird in the hand said...

Someone said to me a long time ago: Just be yourself.
I asked: But what is myself, who am I?
It took years until I realized that the friend should have said: Just be. Just be whoever I am on any given day.

Gemma said...

I see evidence of God/dess everywhere. I do not know the name of the divine but I do have that wee bit of faith in miracles.
Be still...there is help from beyond.
sending love