I have been away at our Gypsy Caravan by the sea.. having a glorious time meditating beside the water, completely alone and in complete silence..
I don't know where this train of thought comes from but early this morning I realized that I don't 'truly' believe in God. Or rather, I don't really think that God is there to help us on our journey.. (please remember that these thoughts below are very early morning thoughts and sometimes they ramble....like trying to sort stuff out)
Oh yes, I make lip service to something bigger than I am.. I waffle on about having faith but deep down in my very soul - I believe I am here without support from a God, Goddess, angels, ancestors or spirit guides.... when something happens in my life, or when I need support or answers I ask for help from whoever i think of, but deep down, I don't really believe that i will get help, I look for signs of help from ancestors or angels.. like feathers or fragrances or even a bird or animal when or if they come, I pass it off as co-incidence.. sometimes I even try to convince myself that it is all real by telling all who will listen about it but still deep in my heart there is not that strong believing faith... I kind of think I must sort things or problems, out for myself... I also forget to ask for help alot of the time.. ... and I want this to change.
I want to remember that when a problem or issue arises that there is help from beyond and I want to believe that this is true. When I want help for my frustrations or anger with life, I want to believe and have faith that it is all being taken care of and I want to be able to let it go with complete faith. I just want to KNOW and FEEL that Laura, Hilary or my Nan are there for me. I want to totally believe that Mary Magdalene or Isis do truly care for me and are there always... and why worry about all of this anyhow? Why do I constantly ponder spiritual stuff.. when my friends are interested in cake & coffee mornings, I search for the meaning of life.. while my friends go on shopping sprees I look for the Goddess... while my friends go to movies for a girls night out, I sit and meditate... why ?? I am a tad tired of it, I tell you but i cannot change or stop...... I do believe that this is my soul purpose this time round..
(this is where I cannot wait to read comments, because i know that YOU - my wise women friends will always help me through yet another part of my spiritual journey xo)
so, now that is all out..
Beltane is almost upon us.. this Friday 31st October.. and i have a divine day planned for Joe and myself - will tell more later this week... my garden is doing really well. I have tadpoles in my pond, my potatoes are thriving and I have new herbs to plant out this week.
Tomorrow I go to my wise woman gathering and we are making dream catchers.. and I am thinking of starting belly dancing this term...life is full & busy for me, I am revelling in it! I am in a very nice 'place' right now... I love it... even though I still 'search' & sift through my thoughts.. I am not out of control like I was.. I am more settled... even though I still have these thoughts like my above ramblings.. I am at peace..