I had a cubby house & other stuff, a meandering post of life

I was driving along through the mountain roads the other day.. off to do some Yulefest gift shopping and I spied a tiny little house in a backyard.. with a painted green door and I was whisked back to my childhood home... I had a cubby.

it was built from bits n pieces, odds n sods, stuff found on the scrap heap or laying around the yard.. by my grandfather and my dad.
it was just one room. an old painted door. two timber windows, one a sash window that was multi paned and the other a crinkly glass window that pushed outwards and was secured by a metal rod to hold it in place.... at the front door was an old terrazzo step... my grandfather nailed a shelf on one wall and hung an old light fitting from the ceiling although there was no electricity. this became home. it was like stepping into fantasy land.. over time it went through many incarnations, changing to suit my needs...
it housed my cane dolls pram, the wire dolls cot

and
my kitchen dresser ~ I am lucky enough to still have these three childhood toys
and I played house. i swept the floor and dusted the shelf...as time went by and those toys were packed away....

the cane pram is stored in our shed, covered in dust, waiting for a grand-daughter..not sure if that will ever happen..
I have three gorgeous grandsons and another due in 4 weeks!!
the cubby became my escape from reality, then I started to read and it became my attic where I ate apples, sighed about the state of the world and became Jo from Little Women.. books lined the shelf on the wall... time went on... where I learned of the 'free spirits' & suffered teenage angst, when the world was against me.. I 'lived' alone, burnt incense, listened to my radio and pretended that I was a hippy.. with my long brown hair and crocheted vest & beret.. indian beads and bangles adorned my teenage body...of course I had to trek to the house for meals, shower and to sleep, but it was my own space and I loved it..I grew up.. and the cubby was forlorn and neglected.. I moved, my parents moved and the cubby stayed... is it still there? i wonder. does it house a little girl just like me?

I have been playing with salt dough lately.. at our Wild Women gathering early this week, we made salt dolls...


mine started off as an Earth Goddess but morphed into a Goddess of the Sea..
maybe it was the influence of SealSkin SoulSkin from Women who run with the wolves..she was baked in the oven for 6 long hours, very low.. she has been painted and is now waiting for her gloss finish.. it was fun. I kinda lose myself when I am in my tiny art studio.

and another peek at my grandsons...

my grandsons: Thomas, Harry on my mum's lap and Jack.. I took them to see 'great Nan' a few weeks ago

let me tell you about Florence

for some reason, at various stages on my journey.. things reveal themselves to me... I notice things that remind me of an ancestor... recently it was Laura.. and now the past week, my memories are being stirred once again but this time by my paternal Grandmother - Florence Emily Tester... she died on my 10th birthday.. January 1st 1968... creating another bond.. she was one of those old grandmas.. you know, the ones with the big aprons, crinkly saggy necks, the kind of skin you want to dig your little fingers into and snuggle against.. making you safe. she smelled of lavender, a no nonsense grandma... I can't remember her giving me a cuddle.. but I can remember her soup, her damper and her roast dinners... and I have memories of her home... just lately, she is around me.. I am remembering things and I am seeing reminders of her in my daily life... where is she taking me? I have an idea but nothing I can put words to just yet.

what triggered these memories off was a gorgeous set of words that I discovered on Gemma's blog:

All year round she kept racks full of plants in pots standing on green painted wooden steps. There were rare geraniums, dwarf rose bushes with misty white and pink plumes. ~ Colette
when I read them, I was transported back to the driveway of my grandma's home.. where she grew the most amazing hydrangeas.... they grew along the side of the house in the driveway.. the same driveway that was shaded by a big tree.. the same driveway where my uncles would park their cars when they came home for lunch during their working week.. the house was an old house.. ancient to my little girl self..

at the door was a trusty old mat
and an old cement frog(the exact same one that sat outside my Grandmas door!!..when she owned him, he had a small plant growing out his mouth)..
and up the back in front of the shed was a puddle where I use to catch tadpoles...
when you walked in the door on the right was a set of ricketty steps that took you down into the bathroom where a huge cast iron bath sat..
on the left as you walked in the front door was the kitchen entrance which was a galley shaped one.. on the left the big fuel stove, the sink and benches.. on the right was an old dresser.. at the end was a scrubbed pine table where she use to roll her pastry.. then you turned right and into the dining room..

where there was a gorgeous timber window with a lace curtain that fluttered in the breeze..
the dining room had a huge australian cedar table and chairs with a sideboard to match.. this is where the family sat when we had dinner with at their house.. I remember the plum puddings at christmas time.. I always seemed to get a sixpence !! off the dining room was grandma & grandfathers bedroom...

a big brass & iron bed
and under it was the potty for nightime use..
back outside and on the left of the driveway was the vegie garden.. I remember walking with Grandfather around the patch picking lettuce, spring onions and cucumbers.. there is nothing better than absolutely fresh vegies..
along the front of the house ran a verandah, enclosed with trellis for privacy and an old settee was made up for afternoon naps...
My grandma crocheted too.. she won prizes for her crocheted blankets.. she played the organ.. She was a mother of 7 boys, no girls, she wore hats and on the days she didn't, she always had a hair net on....I can't remember much more.. I have tried tracing her family tree but can't go back very far.. did she love her life or did it just happen to her? is she now making herself known to me, to urge me on in my quest?..

and being inspired by Gemma's trusty map.. I drew a sketch of my grandma's home.

a sisterhood of the Purple bicycle post, I think.. 8 years today I finished my radiation and I celebrate!!

today, is the anniversary of the last of my radiation treatment. which considering I am still alive, makes me a survivor... 8 years!! I believe this is a Sisterhood of the Purple Bicycle Moment... I would love to have all my Sisters rejoice with me!! ... and putting myself out there I share the internal radiation...brachytherapy

please don't feel that you have to read my diary of my cancer journey.. I am doing this for myself and lord, it is helping so much... the support from each and every one of you, my sisters, is bringing peace to this anguish and anger I have stored for so long... I was going to stop writing because I know it has been difficult for some to read.. but I am riding this purple bike with my head held high!!!
once my story has been told, I am going to print it out as well as all comments and it will be put into my Soul Journal.. otherwise known as my Book of Shadows and light... for future generations to read.. just how strong their wise grandmother was!!

the past few days in my life & a little look at a World Heritage area, where I live.

I made beef and vegetable soup on the weekend.. being lucky enough to be able to add some celery and parsley from my own garden..It has been quite cold in Woodford the past few days.. although, my friend Marion says the garden isn't showing it..there are things blooming right now that shouldn't be..

striped woollen tights keep my legs warm in winter! I love colourdutch husband and I went on a ride on Sunday.. it was cold in the morning and I was wondering if I was insane going out on the bike.. but lots of warm clothing and off we went.. lunch at a local pub then back home.

yesterday after I finished my housework, I took myself off for a walk. To a place that is called Olympian Rock.. have no idea why and I wish I knew the Aboriginal name for it.

when I started my walk, I looked out over the trees and this is what greeted me
starting off down the bush trackmost walks in the mountains are along tracks like this.. some are fenced because they go along the cliff edge.

and down quite a few stairs..walking past lots of native shrubs and bushes that are alive with the native birds, all enjoying the sunshine and nectar from blossoms.. our native plants bloom nearly all year round.. they are hardy to cope with the extreme cold and winds that gush up from the valley below.

this land is full of wisdom. You can hear the heart beat of Gaia
when I sit in places like this, the desire to travel to Cornwall disappears. this is home... someone said recently that Earths wisdom runs close to the surface in Cornwall.. it is the same here.. there is an ancient wisdom that seeps into my soul.. I absorb it and I love it.

on the left in the rock wall, I saw the face of the Goddess, carved by Mother Nature in her turbulent times.. wind and rain
I sat in a yoga pose, absorbing healing energy from Earth. feeling the deep wisdom that is part of this land.. 'seeing' my Aboriginal guide with me
pictures just do not describe how this place feels. a deep deep wisdom seeps from the rocks. a still-ness and an aura hang in the air.. not even the sound of distant voices or a plane flying over disrupts this aura.. a bird flys way below in the valley... at one with Gaia. Just like I wish to feel. I want to feel as if I am one.. I Know that I am, but I want to feel that I am. That will come.

my anger has gone.. writing my story and voicing my feelings has helped me tremendously, there are still more words to come.. but I feel that I have turned a corner. I am beginning to replace anger with acceptance. I can't change what happened, so I grow with it. As I heal, the longing to travel to Cornwall is diminishing too.. I don't have the urgency to go to Cornwall to connect with the ancestors.. they are with me wherever i am. I know that now. I feel that Laura is happy that I am making peace with all that has happened.. as I make my peace, I also help her make hers.

as I walked back, the flowers were bright.. encouraging me on my way... I love my home. I am part of this wild, wise ancient land.

come with me.. sharing my journey today - lots of photos.

today was the day that I went to Minnehaha Falls to complete the journey of my spirit doll.. to symbolically cut the cord from my anger and replace it with the strength and guidance of my ancestors

I hung weights from the small effigy, representing those weights that i had been carrying for far too long.
yesterday I worked on the effigy for my anger.. creating a small doll from linen, painted it an angry red, sticking pins and needles in it to represent all those times that had happened during my treatment, I cut it and burned it to represent the surgery and radiation. yesterday as I created that little angry doll, I cried. I cried for all that I had lost, for the pain and fear that I had experienced and was still experiencing..once she was completed, I connected her to my spirit doll with a red wool cord..
today began my journey of releasement....

it was a gorgeous day as we set out.. asking permission to enter the Women's Sacred Place.. along the path...
I went with two friends who have been making spirit dolls with me for the past two weeks. they were my support buddies. my witnesses.

and down the track.. we could feel the feminine energy everywhere..
the creeks made their way down to the falls.. reminding us that life is ever flowing.. the water cleansing our spirit.
arriving at our place, we discovered that the water was flowing over the rock stepping stones.. a sign that as we crossed, we would be washed clean of our fears, anger and bitterness
we each set up our own personal altar. I placed my spirit doll among the ferns.. so that she could absorb energies from the nature divas.. (the photo looks amazing I think.. like the sun is shining down directly on my spirit doll.. like a spotlight.)
I then read my words asking for support and guidance from my ancestors to help me discover what there is to learn from this journey i had taken with cancer
and I cut the symbolic cord. the cord of stored anger, bitterness and fear
and I was finally free of that weight of anger and bitterness that I had been carrying for so long
I buried it into Mother Earth to be transformed into positive energy to be used for healing.
and replaced it with my ancestral strength and the strength of Kali.
the nails represent the strength of Kali, the feather for my ancestral Grandmothers. the painted dots represent my connection to Australia.(I left a small piece of red cord, to represent that the cancer journey is still part of me, it makes me who I AM)
as our journey ended, we thanked Grandmother Tree for her ancient wisdom.

the simple and mundane (sisterhood of the purple bicycle?)

clothes trying to dry in winter sunshine.. these are my gardening clothes.. yes, I wear old t-shirts and disgusting tracksuits in the garden.. not those gorgeous floating dresses and straw hats that you imagined..
it has been chilly in Woodford this month.. bone aching chilly.. today I woke to a perfect sunny day and was happy that i would finally get some washing done... no sooner had I finished the first load, the clouds started hovering.. not those rain clouds but the clouds that don't allow the sun to shine through.. stopping all warmth..

a bowl of organic apples, these are Pippins.. don't you love that name?.. I try to eat at least one apple a day
I have been trying to track a statue of Kali down.. to put on my altar..
I always get anxious when creating altars.. does it have to be in a central position so that each time I pass it, I am reminded of the presence of the Goddess.. or is it all right to tuck it away in my Sacred space... lighting a candle each morning...wish I knew.. trouble is my dining room is starting to look like a shrine to every Goddess who was ever worshipped..!!

an old rusty fork atop an old chimney pot.. just stuff in my garden
anyhooo.. I finally found a statue today.. at a cost of $95 which is a tad more than I wanted to pay.. is it ok to question the cost of a Goddess? ..but I have just put my vintage Barbie dolls on ebay so hopefully they will sell and cover the cost of the statue.. moving energy around !! I bought a beautiful orchid yesterday for my Kali altar and need a few more things and then it will be complete.. not even sure what to look for when She does make herself known..

more rusty stuff.. this old tin hangs on a garden gate.. we found the tin in the garden when we bought Inglewood..I wonder who it belonged to?
Last night, I was thinking of my spirit doll and how I could represent the changing of the angry, bitter and yes fear of my cancer treatments.. to something of beauty.. and as I lay in bed, looking at the butterfly mobile that Daisy sent me, telling her that I missed her.. I realised that a butterfly is the perfect symbol of beauty and change.. so I am going to add a butterfly to my spirit doll, sitting on my shoulder..I hope to work on that tonight.. I must have it finished by Thursday for the ceremony at Minnehaha Falls.

last but not least... a jumble of herbs spilling all over the garden.. just like Laura's!
oh and the second installment of my cancer story is posted: off to the ball.. thanks for the support! Just writing this down on the blog has seen a huge change in me in this very short time.. (I think writing this cancer story is part of my membership of the Sisterhood of the Purple bicycle - I am certainly moving out of my comfort zone writing my memories..I am overcoming a fear, facing a shadow, and trying to allow myself Grace....)

so much wisdom.. synchronicity with Kali & healing knowledge..

jonquils are in abundance in my garden right now.. the lovely heady perfume fortells of spring to come!
I was blown away with the comments on my anger post.. so much wisdom, so much love & support.. thankyou... Kali was mentioned.. which kind of took me by surprise..as she had been mentioned at my spirit doll workshop as a Goddess who I could look to for help with this anger..it was as if, everywhere I turned there she was... so I did a little search on the internet..

Feminine power has often been represented as negative, rather than in a truer light, so it is also with Kali. Reclaiming these Goddeses is a way of reclaiming your sacred right to rage. She is the sacred cycle of all existence swirling with unbridled energy

Kali reminds us that good really can come of bad situations and stands at the ready to dance courage into our lives at our request. Kali also reminds us that our lives will never change until we release (kill off) the outdated, unproductive beliefs we have. These beliefs can be anything from how we view ourselves to how we view religious dogma. We all carry around our own fears sometimes called "demons". Kali represents our fears. Once confronted and faced down, she becomes our protector and a source of comfort.
Call on Kali for assistance by doing your own dance. Move the energy around in your living space with some flowing, empowering music as you dance the dance of life, courage and change. Afterwards, leave Kali an offering of honey and flowers and thank her for dancing with you and for rearranging the strife you are feeling in your life. Do this until the situation you want changed in your life has done so.
Since Kali ushered in the Iron Age, it is important to have iron on her altar. Hematite (iron) as well as an iron figure of her. Flowers on any altar offer a nice balance. The delicate strength of an orchid along with its natural beauty is highly symbolic for Kali's altar. The orchid reminds us of our delicate strength and beauty.

I like what I found out about Kali... I am going to make an altar dedicated to her..I never felt an affinity with her before, but she is perfect for me right now. Odd thing is, last Wednesday, I went looking for an indoor plant and I touched an orchid.. felt it's lovliness but didn't follow my intuition..

tamarillos from my tree.. they are so delicious and absolutely full of vitamin C.. I ate alot of these when I was going through my radiation treatment.. vitamin C is a wonderful cell healer.
I took myself into the garden this morning, with my heavy aching heart.. the anger simmering beneath, the fear of alienating my loved ones with my anger.. but try as I might, I cannot stop it... it really does have a life of its own.. so I know that I need to work with this.. not sure how, but one thing,I do trust that the answer will come..

i am an avid reader of Susun Weed's Menopause.. so much advice and wisdom between the covers... oat straw tea is one that she recommends for the symptoms i have.. she also says that the liver is connected strongly with anger... as is the base chakra.. and reading Kali's information, I think dancing will help me bring that chakra back into balance..it seems it is all connected, don't you think?
... reading St.Hildegard of Bingen's writings.. she suggests eating 5 or more almonds a day to help the liver.. as well as lavender wine.

I made myself up a little tray,to take out into the garden with me.. a vintage tea pot full of oatstraw tea.. a handful of almonds, a date and some dried apricots.. all on a vintage silver tray.. oh I just wish so much that I could stop being so hard on myself and allow myself to laugh..

the emails that I have received since the anger post have been so supportive too... Sr.K in one of her emails : 'You need to tell your story. There is power'. I have opened a new blog to document my cancer journey.. if anyone wishes to read it here is a link: my journey with cancer .. it is a pain filled story, sometimes barbaric.. it is honest but I need to get it out... I will add to when I feel I am ready.

July 2001. Not a post about anything magickal.. more one for my own benefit more than anything else.

May I dance naked, unafraid of my own reflection ~ Rae Beth
I am not going to start harping on about me being a cancer survivor(cervical cancer for those that don't know).. poor me, yada yada yada.. I don't have a problem with having being diagnosed with cancer. I have an issue about the way that it was treated and the subsequent side effects. Plus I have a huge anger issue because of that.

the past few ...no, make that for quite awhile. I have been feeling angry & bitter..and I have felt ashamed and guilty for being angry. 'Nice' girls don't do anger. It's not ladylike. People stop loving you when you are angry... so say my journalling thoughts. I wasn't even going to blog this in fear of people walking away from my anger & pain.. but I cannot hide behind a nice mask anymore.. I have this other side to me that is very much part of me..especially at the moment.

I snap at people for no reason. Not the people in the shops or those walking the dog. No, I snap at those I love. I am increasingly angry and bitter... and could not work out for the life of me why.. it is invading my soul - and I only just realized that it is 8yrs this month since I finished my radiation treatment & I am angry about the damage my body and my mind have suffered because of that treatment.. side effects that I won't go into here because they are still too painful emotionally to even talk about or acknowledge. Least of all it put me into instant menopause at age 42. ..

But how do I deal with this anger? I know I need to work with it, acknowledge and accept what has happened. Let it go. I can't rid myself of it because it is part of me.. I need to know that although what happened is still part of me that it has been laid to rest. I desperately need that. For my own sanity..
I need to move on, past the anger & bitterness. Otherwise the anger will fester, making me sick as it is apt to do.

I need to cry. something I find hard to do.. I need to create to symbolize this.. I need to laugh.

the past week, I have been making myself a spirit doll.. adding bits of my life journey..an old shoe from when I was a baby, my birth tag, some catholic stuff.. my old watch & locket. Some lace that represents my favourite red velvet dress.. And I have some old feather wings that I want to add to represent my fae connections.. - herbs, magick and other things will be added as they come to me..
I have also been wanting to add my anger to the back of this spirit doll but I have had a fear of adding the emotion of anger. I want to keep this spirit doll pretty & nice.. not tainted by anger or bitterness... but dammit, the anger is a huge part of me, it bubbles like a putrid cesspool in my being.. pouring toxic waste into my soul.. this anger is vile, red and yes ANGRY.... but I am ashamed of even admitting that I am angry.. that this nice lady like woman is angry.. but damn it. I am angry!! Anger is a huge part of me at the moment. last night in my dreams an idea came to me.. a door was open. I am go make a small spirit doll to hang from the larger one by a red cord. As I make this doll I am to cry and add bits that I remember from 8 years ago. I will add matches for the burns, knives & scissors for all the pain and needles for all those needles stuck into me..Then in ceremony, not far from here at an Indigenous Women's sacred place.. I am to cut that red cord & replace the angry effigy with one of acceptance and love...

and I am not a 'nice ladylike woman'. I am a Wild Woman. I AM a Woman who runs with the Wolves. My fabulous tail often falls below my hemline, and my ears often twitch under my hat... as Clarissa Pinkola Estes says: "....this self must have freedom to be angry..."

Full Moon in capricorn .. and thoughts

May each Full Moon find me looking upwards, at trees outlined on luminous sky ~
Rae Beth ~ Resolution of a Witch
Yesterday, was a quiet day.. I could feel a real stillness... even my anger (and that is a whole other post) had become still... the moon came into her fullness...
at 7.21pm last night, the Moon was full in all her glory.. i trotted outside into just about zero temps, put my magick shawl around my shoulders and lit a candle and closed my eyes, with the moon beams on my face... and I sang to Earth... giving thanks for all that She gives me.. I sat thinking of my ancestors who didn't have the comfort of the modern home that I do..they couldn't escape back inside to stand in front of a fire. Their winters would have been difficult, cold & harsh but they endured.. if they hadn't, I would not be here...
I sat for as long as I could.. giving in after only 10mins...and felt a little guilty.. had a warm bath ....I started to wonder if our little rituals were really any use.. I mean, how can a handful of women across the world help heal something as huge as Mother Earth...then I remembered something I had read in "the Earth Path" by Starhawk when I did her online workshop a few years ago...
as Galadriel, the wise elf, tells Frodo, "even the smallest person can make a difference" ~ each time we act in service of our sacred intention, each time we align our energies and our actions with what we most truly love, we gain in personal power and ability. (I can thoroughly recommend the book by Starhawk - The Earth Path. Maybe oneday a few of us could work through it together online?)

after my bath, I felt like I had to do more. So I went into Sacred space to sit... as I closed my eyes and listened to Medwyn Goodalls 'Cornwall'.. I was taken back... standing on top of a hill.. in my robes, looking out over a vast green world.. brilliantly green.. vibrant.. I held Earth in my hand and as I breathed in and out, my heart chakra sent love to Her... and I saw pink filaments floating towards Her... and knew that these were prayers and thoughts of love from the Earth Healers around the world....lighting candles, sitting in silence...an earth healing meditation over the next two nights..... drumming...

I have searched and searched on the net for some indigenous information on Full Moons but nothing... that is what I find so difficult about living here... no folklore, no wisdom that we can call our own - we take from the North and adapt.. but it doesn't really fit our country... I tried to write my own moon information a year or so ago..

this is the Wolf Moon according to the Northern Hemisphere... we don't have wolves here...but it is the quiet moon and definately the Cold Moon..

Folklore: The nocturnal wolf represents the 'night' of the year. This moon is also called the Quiet Moon and the Cold Moon.
Herbs: Marjoram, Holy Thistle, Nuts & Pine Cones.
Colours: White, Lilac, Violet & Black.
Flowers: Snowdrop & Crocus.
Perfumes: Oakmoss, Musk & Mimosa.
Crystals: Garnet, Onyx & Jet.
Tree: Birch.
Animal: Fox.
Bird: Pheasant.
Deities: Frejya, Inanna & Hera.

and wishing Dutch Husband a wonderful birthday !!

time spent in the garden...and waffling on about the shower..

while in the shower this morning, I had one of the most profound thoughts/enlightenments that i have had for ages (why is it that those thoughts come while under the shower, I really must get myself a journal for the bathroom )... I was thinking of my spiritual journey (as I do tend to always, consumed by it I am).. a thought wafted through my mind - the magick is within me (actually truth be told.. many have told me the magick is within me.. I just didn't see it or believe it..) I have been going around looking for it in 'things'.... I understood while in the shower that don't need to look outside of me.. it is all within (maybe everyone else already knew this.. I am always the last to realize things like this).. which makes alot of sense really.. I do 'hear' alot of wisdom when I am sitting alone in my sacred space.. in a meditative state or when I am in the garden or even mindlessly washing up - now I have to learn to trust those thoughts & visions.. .. I think that is my inner wisdom, my higher self who is talking to me...
oh yes, all those gorgeous puttery things I do to create magick in my life, those things that I talk about here... setting the scene, creating ancestral altars, lighting candles, burning incense, having little moon ceremonies.. creating magickal things like brooms, wreaths and wands.. they are all part of it... that IS the magick within, manifesting in the physical....

I spent quite a few hours in my garden today - the day was brilliant.. sunny but chilly.. I donned my old flannelette shirt, work boots and warm pants and proceeded to work in the back yard.. finally getting my strawberry runners in so that they can settle in for springtime & then hopefully to go on to produce summer fruits

Joe dug the bed a few weeks ago and my runners arrived from Diggers club last week.. so the bed has been waiting for me to finish it off with compost & straw.. we use bricks around our garden beds.. and surprisingly Laura did the same in her garden many years ago..
cleaning up the pond and getting it ready for the frogs in spring ( I do hope they make my pond their home & maybe a few dragonflies too!)... pruning the clematis, picking lemons

lemons freshly picked ready to take to Mum on Tuesday... perfect for this cold winter weather
I thinned the carrots and harvested the last of my comfrey leaves to make a comfrey tea for my springtime vegetables....I had a grand old time in the garden...

my lachenalias are flowering now... I can remember my grandma had hers in a similar pot... she called them 'soldiers'... I guess they do look like soldiers standing at attention!
don't forget Full Moon is coming up this week.. the Full Moon Earth healing.. the clay discs are on their way and will be there in time for August Full Moon.. if you would like to join in, please email me and I will put you on the email list!

Oll an gwella
Cornish for
'all of my best wishes'

ancestral connections & a walk in my garden this 1st of July...

I am here my lovely readers, but I am struggling right now... my ancestral connections seems to be getting stronger and stronger in my soul... and it is making me weep.. the ache in my heart to know them is awful and I don't know why this is happening.. it is not of my making...I feel like I am disconnected from here in the present and I could weep with wanting to live back then. It is like some of my soul pieces are still back there with my ancestral connections & I want to return to where they lived in Cornwall, to see what they did, how they lived, what they ate, did they garden, were they witches.. what kind of houses did they live in and on and on it goes... there must be an answer out there somewhere for this to be so strong in my soul, it is like they are calling me. .. from beyond.

I have phoned Rookwood Cemetery, here in Sydney, where Laura is buried... have found her grave and am planning on taking myself there, to sit with her and somehow connect with her... sad thing is she died only 8 years before I was born... maybe she was at my birth in spirit...

one of my wise women friends from the Wild Woman group that I go to on Tuesdays.. emailed me this morning in support of my struggle:~
It is easy to romanticize the past and another place as being better than our own but I am sure that there were some really crappy things that our ancestors had to put up with as well. If you truly are your ancestor then they are living on through you now and are lucky enough to experience the good bits of your life....like the freedom to play in your gypsy caravan.......to create your beautiful garden......to have a partner that provides security and a home that you love.
the most important thing is to live the life you think your ancestors would have loved to live given the chance........live your life.......break free..........cast off the responsibility to mother for a while and nurture your own soul. If that means going to Cornwall then bloody well do it......Living in a physical body is a precious gift but it is the mental attitude that often stops us from doing what we want. STOP....REST and honour yourself enough to put yourself first.
I would suggest do not fight this urge to know your ancestors, I would say research.
I would also say to write about what you think about them. I would also say paint or draw or sketch or whatever you need to do.......don't suppress it.

wise words from a wise woman... I am on edge.. not settling.. so I took myself out into the garden this July morning, always a grounding thing for me....

the garden is a place of solace for me..

bales of lucerne waiting to be spread on the garden as mulch, old tyres waiting to be painted & compost to be turned... chores to be done this weekend.

the oranges are ripening.. I usually wait for the first frost before i start picking them.. the frost sweetens them!

my daphnes are in bloom once again.. my garden at the moment is a perfumed delight.. I could drown in it.