I am not going to start harping on about me being a cancer survivor(cervical cancer for those that don't know).. poor me, yada yada yada.. I don't have a problem with having being diagnosed with cancer. I have an issue about the way that it was treated and the subsequent side effects. Plus I have a huge anger issue because of that.
the past few ...no, make that for quite awhile. I have been feeling angry & bitter..and I have felt ashamed and guilty for being angry. 'Nice' girls don't do anger. It's not ladylike. People stop loving you when you are angry... so say my journalling thoughts. I wasn't even going to blog this in fear of people walking away from my anger & pain.. but I cannot hide behind a nice mask anymore.. I have this other side to me that is very much part of me..especially at the moment.
I snap at people for no reason. Not the people in the shops or those walking the dog. No, I snap at those I love. I am increasingly angry and bitter... and could not work out for the life of me why.. it is invading my soul - and I only just realized that it is 8yrs this month since I finished my radiation treatment & I am angry about the damage my body and my mind have suffered because of that treatment.. side effects that I won't go into here because they are still too painful emotionally to even talk about or acknowledge. Least of all it put me into instant menopause at age 42. ..
But how do I deal with this anger? I know I need to work with it, acknowledge and accept what has happened. Let it go. I can't rid myself of it because it is part of me.. I need to know that although what happened is still part of me that it has been laid to rest. I desperately need that. For my own sanity..
I need to move on, past the anger & bitterness. Otherwise the anger will fester, making me sick as it is apt to do.
I need to cry. something I find hard to do.. I need to create to symbolize this.. I need to laugh.
the past week, I have been making myself a spirit doll.. adding bits of my life journey..an old shoe from when I was a baby, my birth tag, some catholic stuff.. my old watch & locket. Some lace that represents my favourite red velvet dress.. And I have some old feather wings that I want to add to represent my fae connections.. - herbs, magick and other things will be added as they come to me..
I have also been wanting to add my anger to the back of this spirit doll but I have had a fear of adding the emotion of anger. I want to keep this spirit doll pretty & nice.. not tainted by anger or bitterness... but dammit, the anger is a huge part of me, it bubbles like a putrid cesspool in my being.. pouring toxic waste into my soul.. this anger is vile, red and yes ANGRY.... but I am ashamed of even admitting that I am angry.. that this nice lady like woman is angry.. but damn it. I am angry!! Anger is a huge part of me at the moment. last night in my dreams an idea came to me.. a door was open. I am go make a small spirit doll to hang from the larger one by a red cord. As I make this doll I am to cry and add bits that I remember from 8 years ago. I will add matches for the burns, knives & scissors for all the pain and needles for all those needles stuck into me..Then in ceremony, not far from here at an Indigenous Women's sacred place.. I am to cut that red cord & replace the angry effigy with one of acceptance and love...
and I am not a 'nice ladylike woman'. I am a Wild Woman. I AM a Woman who runs with the Wolves. My fabulous tail often falls below my hemline, and my ears often twitch under my hat... as Clarissa Pinkola Estes says: "....this self must have freedom to be angry..."