"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)

Friday, 10 July 2009

July 2001. Not a post about anything magickal.. more one for my own benefit more than anything else.

May I dance naked, unafraid of my own reflection ~ Rae Beth

I am not going to start harping on about me being a cancer survivor(cervical cancer for those that don't know).. poor me, yada yada yada.. I don't have a problem with having being diagnosed with cancer. I have an issue about the way that it was treated and the subsequent side effects. Plus I have a huge anger issue because of that.

the past few, make that for quite awhile. I have been feeling angry & bitter..and I have felt ashamed and guilty for being angry. 'Nice' girls don't do anger. It's not ladylike. People stop loving you when you are angry... so say my journalling thoughts. I wasn't even going to blog this in fear of people walking away from my anger & pain.. but I cannot hide behind a nice mask anymore.. I have this other side to me that is very much part of me..especially at the moment.

I snap at people for no reason. Not the people in the shops or those walking the dog. No, I snap at those I love. I am increasingly angry and bitter... and could not work out for the life of me why.. it is invading my soul - and I only just realized that it is 8yrs this month since I finished my radiation treatment & I am angry about the damage my body and my mind have suffered because of that treatment.. side effects that I won't go into here because they are still too painful emotionally to even talk about or acknowledge. Least of all it put me into instant menopause at age 42. ..

But how do I deal with this anger? I know I need to work with it, acknowledge and accept what has happened. Let it go. I can't rid myself of it because it is part of me.. I need to know that although what happened is still part of me that it has been laid to rest. I desperately need that. For my own sanity..
I need to move on, past the anger & bitterness. Otherwise the anger will fester, making me sick as it is apt to do.

I need to cry. something I find hard to do.. I need to create to symbolize this.. I need to laugh.

the past week, I have been making myself a spirit doll.. adding bits of my life old shoe from when I was a baby, my birth tag, some catholic stuff.. my old watch & locket. Some lace that represents my favourite red velvet dress.. And I have some old feather wings that I want to add to represent my fae connections.. - herbs, magick and other things will be added as they come to me..
I have also been wanting to add my anger to the back of this spirit doll but I have had a fear of adding the emotion of anger. I want to keep this spirit doll pretty & nice.. not tainted by anger or bitterness... but dammit, the anger is a huge part of me, it bubbles like a putrid cesspool in my being.. pouring toxic waste into my soul.. this anger is vile, red and yes ANGRY.... but I am ashamed of even admitting that I am angry.. that this nice lady like woman is angry.. but damn it. I am angry!! Anger is a huge part of me at the moment. last night in my dreams an idea came to me.. a door was open. I am go make a small spirit doll to hang from the larger one by a red cord. As I make this doll I am to cry and add bits that I remember from 8 years ago. I will add matches for the burns, knives & scissors for all the pain and needles for all those needles stuck into me..Then in ceremony, not far from here at an Indigenous Women's sacred place.. I am to cut that red cord & replace the angry effigy with one of acceptance and love...

and I am not a 'nice ladylike woman'. I am a Wild Woman. I AM a Woman who runs with the Wolves. My fabulous tail often falls below my hemline, and my ears often twitch under my hat... as Clarissa Pinkola Estes says: "....this self must have freedom to be angry..."


Annie said...

I'm sorry for your anger Robyn. I have no way of relating to the sort of anger you are dealing with having never personally struggled with cancer. However, that being said, a very wise priest told me recently that in putting aside anger you find peace AND you provide a resting place for the Lord. There is so much badness in the world, all in the name of God, that it's a wonder He still loves us. It helps me with my anger as I try to learn to be a resting place.

Mel said...

This is a powerful and beautiful post -- thank you for sharing yourself so honestly.

I remember being taught as a child that to show anger or temper was simply not appropriate and therefore not allowed. I remember thinking that I wasn't allowed to *feel* and if I did have those feelings, then I wasn't a very nice person.- thus we learn to repress.

But you're right - it will bubble and fester and eat away at your soul....

I think the idea of a spirit doll is fantastic -- and I really like the creation and then release of the angry doll....

Sending you so much LOVE and healing thoughts....

Kavindra said...

OMG! That title is wrong - this is an amazingly magical and powerful post. At first I was reading and feeling sad for you ~ by the end I had goosebumps (I still do!) because of your wonderful power and wisdom.

Rock it Robyn. This is such an amazing idea. I am in awe.

(And guess what ... you get to be angry as much or as long as you want. You're a goddess, a force of nature, a healer ... there's power in your anger I believe.)

Tracy said...

{{Robyn}} I wish I had some words of wisdom. I hate that we are taught to be "nice" and not stand up for ourselves out of fear of being unloved or making others angry.

Do what you must to get the anger out so it doesn't poison your spirit. Free your wild woman and run with the wolves, only stopping to howl at the moon in all of its glory!

Grammy said...

I had anger too. It is a big part of menopause. I almost went into total Depression for a few years. I had to get on an antidepressant. And it was the start of my new life . I reprogrammed my self to be happy till I believed it. I use self hypnosis, letting the negative energy flow out of my hands and into the ground. Where it harmed none. I had to release anxiety and worry.Tell them to go away. Then one day true joy and feeling deep emotions of positive things took over. I started blogging and it brought joy to my life. doing the Thankful Thursday post helps me find all the good I have to be thankful for. I have learn to add play and laughter to my soul. So I am on the road to recovery. I wish you many blessings of love, happiness and peace with your self. May your anger dissipate in the wind. Big hug.

Serena said...

did you know that being angry is a healthier emotion than being depressed? anger is a side effect of emotional pain and it is a step in the healing process. you have held onto it for a long time and now, you just need to find a way to the next stage that feels right for you. i hope the spirit doll ritual will help to release that anger/pain so that you can, at last, feel free of it and be more open to the love and acceptance of where you are at in your present moment. you are an inspiration, robyn. (((hugs)))

sending you healing vibes,

Sorrow said...

Anger is a positive force of nature. There is nothing quiet so cleansing as the wrath of God...I like kali...
No matter what not so nice , not so pretty, not so lady like things you may have, I still think you are pretty dang special!
Let the rage blow, and be cleansed.
Go for it.

Holly said...

So now that you've admitted that and said it out loud, how do you feel?

How do you feel that you said it out loud and then learn that we're still hear to read you and feel you and support you and understand you?

How does that feel?

Now, the question becomes, how long do you think you need to hold onto that anger so that it keeps you from dealing with the fear that your cancer could come back, could wound you, could actually kill you?

Because that's the only reason you're holding onto your anger. We keep anger in preference to feeling the vulnerability of fear.

Which do you prefer...and only you get to decide it...which do you prefer to live with? The anger of how it happened to you, or the fear that you have learned because of your cancer.

Pick it. Decide to live with it and accept and then, start walking forward. One small step at a time, things can always be changed, left at the curb, released.

But, for now, know that all of us understand that you are angry and we accept that about you. Feel it if you need to until you don't wish to feel it anymore.

Bright Blessings, Dear One.

Rose said...

I could say so much about anger....

I believe the Christian view of trying to be eternally good is flawed and leads us to be flawed people. We should be aiming to be balanced because trying to be perfect leads to repression and actually makes us less perfect. Being a wild woman is the way!

Anger is not a negative emotion unless we make it so. It is our greatest defense. It gives us incredible resources to defend ourselves when we need them. We can channel our anger and us it. We can squish it down and not use it and then it can turn into a negative thing.

I had a issue with anger myself. I couldn't feel it, I had pushed it down so far. I did an exercise with a friend where I spoke with my anger and it was very moving. As a child my anger had been childish but it was only doing it's best to protect me in it's way and it was sad.

Maybe you should go talk with your anger and find out what it wants, what it is trying to achieve...

solsticedreamer~laoi gaul~williams said...

the idea of the two doll ritual sound perfect...i have never know anger like this, but i have known depression and i agree with serena~anger is so much better a spart of healing.
we now live in a new time, a time when the manners of old are, not obsolete, but different. anger is good and healthy and stops the festering~you can still be a lady and be angry :)

Billie Jane said...

Dont you dare feel guilty about being angry! A cat doesn't feel guilt when it kills a bird or a mouse... and we love the cat just the same... anger is normal and natural... being a snarling, ugly, bitter, wretched, wrathful old hag is also totally normal because the next minute, hour, day... you will be a loving, kind, gentle and beautiful person again... the key is to be balanced. Embrace your anger and share it out loud... you have a right to be angry when you feel anger... if you take it out on others who dont deserve it ... you can apologise... instances of this get less the more you let your anger manifest itself.... eventually you can 'enjoy' the power of your anger and direct it towards creative and insightful directions that do no harm to those around you but that help you grow as a person... get wild girl! It's the real you!!

Kathryn Knoll said...

Work it Girlfriend! Do what you need to, and be free!

Genie Sea said...

Where you see a "lady-like" woman, you will often find a repressed woman.

You take all that anger inside you and burden the doll with it!

Freedom from the things that have been shackling you is what I wish for you and for the scared ceremony you are about to embark in, honey.

I am sending Tina my most healing prayers.

Spiral Dancer said...

I am alongside you howling, head back and full throated. Anger is a good an healing force and emotional storm sometimes..that you have acknowledged in you and I thoroughly applaud you for doing is not wrong, suppression is and imbalance is..And that i s what you are dealing -with also your body, its memories need to be heard its voice needs to have expression..the dolls are a wonderful and ingenious way of doing that.
I have not gone through what you have gone through, but I had a close friend who did it was breast she didn't make it...I felt such rage for her.. I hope you are releasing and feeling the benefits of this powerful work you are doing..

Paula - Buenos Aires said...

I understand the "being ladylike all the time". It is tiring indeed, isn´t it?.

{warm hug} Good luck in your journey.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you are expressing your anger - it gives me hope that one day i'll be able to release mine and blog about it. We are taught that "nice " people don't get angry, but we need to. I love the idea of the spirit doll. You go for it.
Love and blessings

Angela said...

This post touched me profoundly. I am having my own anger issues and realizing that I suppressed it all my life. Suppress anger, become depressed. I've been depressed a lot of my life. I'm realizing I am going to have to deal with this, too and I don't know how, but you have made me feel less alone and more understood - with your honesty and your graceful heart.

Wendy said...

Dear Robyn,
All through my menopause (and I'm still hot flashing, so it's not quite finished), I had periods of time where I RAGED!! And my poor husband got the brunt of it. Dear, sweet, gentle man that he is (and sick too as you know), I exploded! Our house needed repairs, I hate living here, I hate winter, I am pissed off that you are sick and I'm stuck here ( oh yes, I'm ashamed of that one), I hate that I've put on weight, I am angry that I have not published my book yet, and I burnt dinner!!!!

After a few of these, I learned to channel the rage. I usually went on cleaning binges (actually blogged about it way back about 2 years ago). Cleaned the whole basement and haven't since. Hacked away at some poor innocent bushes that I decided were overgrown and out of place. Dug up flowers that weren't pretty enough and flung them to the farthest corner of my yard. Then I channelled this kind of activity into just plain exercise. Running and biking when I could. I stopped yelling and crying at hubby. It's a wonder he's still with me. But he knows (and yes, I did apologise profusely) that my anger was not directed at him.

All that to say, it is part of menopause. And I also read Susun Weed's menopause book. Even if I don't follow her suggestions (sometimes step 0 is good enough) and I like to read about the symptoms and realize I am not alone. Nor are you, sweet sister.
P.S. I totally relate to the "nice ladies" don't do anger. And I am usually such a gentle lady.