life has been different for me the past week... I drift around my home.. playing house but really not getting much done at all. to tell the truth, my home is a little forlorn right now.. I know that I need to give myself a push..but it isn't happening.. and it is not because of what is happening with Paul I am actually coping very well .. it is like I am accepting of death this time and I know that it is an honour to be able to be there with a soul reaching the end of their journey this time round... this drifting is more to do with my stagnating spiritual life.. that is bothering me - alot.
Paul has been shifted to Palliative care near to his home and it is easy for the family to visit and take turns being with him. he gets very agitated when left alone for too long. It is hard on his wife Tina but she is lucky to have 3 adult sons who are taking turns sitting with their dad..
We have been visiting as often as possible, every few days. Not wanting to impinge on their last times together as husband & wife or father & son. we don't know how long he has.. the doctors say a few weeks to months....
His eyes show that he knows and I look into them sometimes.. it is not like looking into human eyes.. it is like looking into a soul - a humbling thing..
.. sometimes he is very lucid, othertimes confused..
in his lucid moments he complains about being in hospital, he talks of childhood, asks us questions.. in a blink of an eye he can change.. he becomes confused.. travelling to another place.
when he is confused we play along with it... sometimes we are in Rotterdam airport and he gets worried that we may miss our plane, sometimes he asks if we are planning on painting our home and asks us not to forget that he needs the work, other times he is getting ready to go back to his current job of driving a school bus.... but we don't mind this make believe.. we think it is an honour to be able to travel to different lives with him as he completes his journey on this earth. So we tell him the plane was delayed and assure him that we won't miss it... we tell him we have just renovated our home and once the windows are in he can repaint them or tell him that our loungeroom is being redecorated and ask his opinion on colours.. or we ask him how he can cope with driving school age children to and from school.. like I said, we don't mind make believe if that is what it takes to keep him calm as he faces one of the biggest journeys a soul can take.
at Inglewood the leaves are starting to turn.. I have painted some old tyres in readiness for blueberry plants and garlic.. I have bagged the persimmons to stop the birds from eating them and I have some herbs to plant out..