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"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)


Monday, 27 April 2009

playing make believe

life has been different for me the past week... I drift around my home.. playing house but really not getting much done at all. to tell the truth, my home is a little forlorn right now.. I know that I need to give myself a push..but it isn't happening.. and it is not because of what is happening with Paul I am actually coping very well .. it is like I am accepting of death this time and I know that it is an honour to be able to be there with a soul reaching the end of their journey this time round... this drifting is more to do with my stagnating spiritual life.. that is bothering me - alot.

Paul has been shifted to Palliative care near to his home and it is easy for the family to visit and take turns being with him. he gets very agitated when left alone for too long. It is hard on his wife Tina but she is lucky to have 3 adult sons who are taking turns sitting with their dad..

We have been visiting as often as possible, every few days. Not wanting to impinge on their last times together as husband & wife or father & son. we don't know how long he has.. the doctors say a few weeks to months....

His eyes show that he knows and I look into them sometimes.. it is not like looking into human eyes.. it is like looking into a soul - a humbling thing..

.. sometimes he is very lucid, othertimes confused..
in his lucid moments he complains about being in hospital, he talks of childhood, asks us questions.. in a blink of an eye he can change.. he becomes confused.. travelling to another place.
when he is confused we play along with it... sometimes we are in Rotterdam airport and he gets worried that we may miss our plane, sometimes he asks if we are planning on painting our home and asks us not to forget that he needs the work, other times he is getting ready to go back to his current job of driving a school bus.... but we don't mind this make believe.. we think it is an honour to be able to travel to different lives with him as he completes his journey on this earth. So we tell him the plane was delayed and assure him that we won't miss it... we tell him we have just renovated our home and once the windows are in he can repaint them or tell him that our loungeroom is being redecorated and ask his opinion on colours.. or we ask him how he can cope with driving school age children to and from school.. like I said, we don't mind make believe if that is what it takes to keep him calm as he faces one of the biggest journeys a soul can take.

at Inglewood the leaves are starting to turn.. I have painted some old tyres in readiness for blueberry plants and garlic.. I have bagged the persimmons to stop the birds from eating them and I have some herbs to plant out..

22 comments:

Wendy said...

Dear Robyn, thank you for taking us on your sad journey with Paul. I truly believe you are helping him by playing make-believe. It is real for him.

Strange to think it's fall where you are when we are rejoicing with Spring.

I am glad you are out doing things in the garden. It's so grounding.
Love and Light

Janet said...

You're doing all you can at this time....making Paul's life seem normal for him. You're a good person and it shows.

kim said...

just know i am thinking of you and your friends

Pam said...

Oh Robyn. Bless you. You would be good to have around. Sometimes part our spiritual journey is just to be there for others on theirs. My daughter plays the "luccid or not" game constantly in her work as an R.N. with the elderly and dying. She too sees it as a priviledge. Continue to make your home your sanctuary.There are seasons of the soul, and I'm sure you are feeling the effect of Autumn in more ways that one dear friend. With much love as always. xxoxx.

Tinker said...

Bless you, dear Robyn~XOXOXO

linda may said...

G'Day Rob, so sorry to hear about your brother in law's bad news. Just love him and spend time with him while you can. I have seen similar things happen while working at Junee hospital but I know that it is not the same as loosing a loved member of your family, my love and sympathy to you and Joe, and to his wife and kids.
You will come back to being yourself after this but it will take a while.

solsticedreamer~laoi gaul~williams said...

oh my lovely, this post brought tears to my eyes~your preparation for a passing soul is so perfect and a lesson to us all. i have always believed a passing is to a new place and goodbyes are not everlasting.

...expect an e-mail re bodhrans :)

Serena said...

Dear Robyn, I think it's so beautiful that you are helping to make Paul's transition a little easier. Your post is so beautifully worded.

Blessed be ~

Genie Sea said...

It is natural to feel the way you do at this moment. Facing a loved one's death, means facing death and it can be humbling.

You are all angels in the way you lovingly share his journey. He is lucky in that way. I am sending you all my prayers. Hugs.

Annie said...

Dear Robyn, Thank you for the update on Paul. This post reminds me so much of my daughter-in-law's last days with her brother. He was never alone and he passed on surrounded in love. Surely Paul will too.

Keep Blessed Mother Mary close in your heart Robyn. She will NEVER steer you wrong.
Love, Annie

Paula - Buenos Aires said...

The make believe is the kindest thing you can do now. Thinking of you and your family these days.

Kavindra said...

This is beautiful. It is an honor to be with someone at this point in their journey, but I also was struck reading this, that Paul is also lucky to have you with him as part of his send-off crew. You are approaching this so soulfully. As I am sure all your family is as well.

Billie Jane said...

I sigh, I close my eyes and send whatever wishes you would want for yourself at this time across the miles to you... what else can any of us do except promise to hold out our hands in case you need to know we are there. Don't forget to reach out if you need to.

Night Owl said...

You're doing as much as you can, I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts. Hugs to you.

Tori said...

There are tears in my eyes. I hope things go as well as can be expected with Paul.

Our spiritual lives go thru phases like our bodies. Just know that it will florish again, and do all you can to jump start that time.

Fire Byrd said...

love to you, and peaceful wishes for Paul and his family.
xx

Fire Byrd said...

love to you, and peaceful wishes for Paul and his family.
xx

Leanne said...

Robyn....


the soul is indestructable and its activity will continue throughout eternity. it is like the sun which, to our eyes, seems to set at night, but has in reality only gone to diffuse its light elsewhere...

johann wolfgang von goethe
1749-1832

In love, and light, and comfort..

leanne x

Searching For My Willoughby said...

I think you have a beautiful attitude towards death. What a blessing for Paul to have such family by his side. I admire your courage and example. Blessings.

gemma said...

Funny you mention airports. My Grandma kept wondering "when is this plane going to land?" before she died. My Dad wanted "to go home" when he already was at home...I don't know Robyn, just take care of those you can and send love to the rest.
xx

Ruth said...

I played this game with Sally too as she lay dying - it's almost like a return to childhood. My thoughts and love are with you. xx

Sheila said...

What a difficult time this is for you and the family.
My sister and I play the game with our Dad who has senile dementia. He is in a happy place, and like Paul, why would we want them to live with the reality of what is really happening.
Gardening is great for the spirit, I'm glad you have been able to work in it, and distract yourself a little.
hugs
xx