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"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)


Monday, 11 February 2008

God has left the building... and hanging up MY keys

first of all this is a warning - a warning that the following may make you think or make you wonder if i am totally insane !! It may also make you think to yourself "oh here she goes again" - I am making no apologies, because I am tired. I am exhausted........

at 3 am this morning, I decided God had left the building...well that is if he existed in the first place. At 3am this morning, I woke *again* sneezing, sniffling, itching and realized that it didn't matter how many times I asked God to heal my hayfever, it didn't matter how many times I begged the Angels to send Raphael to take away this discomfort, it didn't matter how many times I tried to get in touch with my inner wisdom on how to heal myself... it just 'ain't' gonna happen, well, not without the help of chemicals, anyhow. So I got up and took Telfast. Mother Earth cannot sustain this use of tissues, I am using acres and acres of trees a day.
Then I got to thinking (as you do at 3am in the morning when you can't sleep) and it was very interesting (as thoughts are at that time of the morning)....... and I decided that it just isn't fair that I am suffering like this, yes, I know it could be worse, I could have cancer... but I have had cancer. And it still isn't fair as I think cancer is enough suffering for any one person... and I decided then and there that I am going to give up.. (sorry Colette) I am going to give up my damn search, I am going to stop sitting day after day trying to reach a point of knowing, of being in touch with my in-tuition, I am going to stop talking to the angels. Because truthfully, I believe that we are here and here alone. we were put here to struggle. We were put here and whoever did it, waved goodby and said "you're on your own buddy"..... For what reason, I don't know because I can say for certain that there is no way I would have chosen this.... And even if there is a God why does he make it so damn hard.

so what am I allergic to? I don't know. it is not wheat, it is not Dairy - is it the myriad of grasses that are out of control in the mountains right now or the mould spores in the air from all the rain? who knows..

I decided that I am going to live a life of decadence, I am going to drink alcohol, maybe even take up smoking, maybe a pipe... I am going to eat bread made of wheat and drink copious amounts of milk, eat cheese and chocolate. I am going to take chemicals if i need them to help my body, whether it be for headaches or hayfever. I am not going to meditate and I am not going to pray because like I said, it doesn't work.. well not for me anyhow. I have been on bended knee asking for miracles and they don't happen. Every morning I get up and greet the Goddess.. that is going to stop too.. I am going to sleep in !! I am going to stop wondering about where I come from.... cause what does it matter... my ancestors are not helping me right now...

Then I got to thinking about blogging.... and wondered why on earth I do it. Why? Why do I sit and ponder on what to write about, why do I run around snapping photos here and there to post and then write captions for? Does anyone really want or need to know just how many bales of hay that a woman in Woodford is putting on her garden? Or does anyone really want to follow someone's spiritual search or read her demented ramblings? I have no idea, not even at 3am when everything is as clear as a bell, could I find the reason for blogging.
then I wondered why I let blogging people affect me.. some people come into our lives... well, into mine and they email me daily, best friends, then I never hear from them again. I stress about visiting other blogs, worried that I will leave someone out and I neglect my own real life... then I wondered about lurkers... yes.. those who visit my blog but don't comment. Take for instance yesterday.. I had 78 visits, individual visits, that is 78 different people and only a handful of comments... it is NOT the comments at all, that I am querying here. It is why do people visit and not comment? Like I have said before - would they come into my lounge room and not say hello? then I remembered Daisy and her frustration with lurkers... then I started to think about Daisy..

maybe I could start a new blog (I thought) call it a similar name to Daisy's blog - maybe Cats in the kitchen, flora in the Garden down under (except I don't have a cat and my chickens don't live in my kitchen )and do it along the same lines as hers... no not a good idea... and then I thought of how some of the fun of blogging had stopped for me since she died.

so I decided, then, at 3am to hang up my keys... yes, I am hanging up my keys to blogging....
I am going out to find my life, to get myself back... and if you would like to keep in touch, please do. My email address is on my profile... and maybe oneday I will come back, but this time, I am not sure.

so all of that at 3am....

will I give up blogging? who knows.. right now all I am focused on is getting rid of this hayfever......

17 comments:

Sheila said...

The world is a different place at 3am.
I used to get awful hay-fever, and was told it went in cycles, whatever the reason, I have not suffered lately. With your climate being somewhat different this summer perhaps it is damp, or mold spores. I do know it is miserable, and I could not function without antihistamine.
Hoping you soon feel better.
xx

sorrow11 said...

Wow darlin thats a hellava post. Like a midnight rant, or more a 3am session with the computer.
I could respond to a great deal of what you said, but If you really want my thoughts you can email me, because I think I could fill your comment thingie full up.
here is a (((HUG))) for your hay fever, I know it doesn't help. but love is the only thing i can send your way right now.
rest my dear rest...

A bird in the hand said...

Honey, I've been waiting for you to reach this stage. You're not "giving up" as far as I'm concerned, so don't apologize, but you ARE letting go. Yes!!! When we do all those things, trying hard, getting frustrated because we're doing all the right things and not seeing the results we want, it's like forcing it, getting in our own way.

It's by letting go of it all and saying OK, I'm going with the flow (gimme some chocolate) and now it's up to the flow to guide me along.

Take the medication -- that's what it's there for, that's why we were given brains and some people being brainier do research and come up with cures etc. Eat the chocolate! Have some ice cream! Moderation in all things, and you'll feel a lot better.

God is looking at you and saying: Sheesh! I put all those researchers at her disposal to find medication for her ills, and she thinks I've left the building! And your ancestors are saying: We have to let her find her own way for a while, that's the only way it's going to be REAL and lasting for her.

Finally, I love your garden photos and captions and thoughts and anything you care to write about.

Love, Colette

Autumn said...

Robyn
Do what you feel is best for you and don't worry what others think. I will miss you terribly if you stop blogging, but you must do what your heart is telling you. I will stay in touch. I hope you feel better soon.

Leanne said...

I often wake in the early hours, and when you are sitting alone at that time, in the black void between one day ending and the next beginning, its easy for your mind to wander, to question, to worry. add to that the feeling unwell, and the tiredness, and suddenly 3am seems unfriendly and you feel very alone.

I cant say much to make you feel better Robyn, other than you do have friends who are there if yuo want to reach out. whether they are friends in real life, or here in surreal blogland, they are there. it doesnt matter if you havent met them all, people do care about yuo.

Like Sheila, I do have to take tablets for hayfever or its miserable. I balance this out by saying that i dont take any more than is absolutely necessary, and I avoid other chemicals as much as I can. You can only do your best, at any given time, and yuo shouldnt beat yuorself up, if yuo occassionally need a tablet or two.

((HUGS)) to yuo Robyn
leanne x

linda may said...

Goodness me you did have a bad night didn't you. Last night when i visited I probably clocked in and out of your blog 3 or 4 times while writing you my letter, I wonder how many of your friends do that and get counted on your counter thingy. I don't know about God but I don't think he controls everything all around the world as he wants us to think and act for ourselves to learn things as part of our journey through life. Don't go away I only just met you and I want to know more. Love Linda.

Angela said...

"Does anyone really want or need to know just how many bales of hay that a woman in Woodford is putting on her garden? Or does anyone really want to follow someone's spiritual search or read her demented ramblings?"

Yes.

solsticedreamer said...

Golly robyn...

'huge hugs' from Dorset
xoxoox

Donna said...

Oh My...seems I've arrived just in the nick of time...LOL....I've had my ups and downs..searches, ponderings, reflections...on and on and on...HE's still there, within me, around me...he's the laughter I hear from my Granbabies; He's the tears on my cheeks or the homeless man on the corner with the incredibly blue eyes that seem to burn holes in my soul...He's with you..behind you, in front of you...within you. He does Not want you to struggle to find him..never. When you see a smile on a loved ones face..it's His smile, just for you. What's important is love..giving and receiving. Thats all..we learn lessons and move on to the next lesson...I'm a believer in happiness...smiles and laughter. I don't think about why I do or don't blog...I just do it. I love people and I love to make them smile...That's what life is all about. SO, now after all of this, if you would like me to "butt out"? LOL...I will certainly do so...with lots of love and hugs to you...

Lady Laurie said...

Dear Robyn,
Sorry you are feeling so miserable.
I hope you don't give up blogging, I like reading about your different quests, but you have to do what feels right.
Sending you lots of hugs))

Pearl said...

A lurker hangs her head in shame. Miss R I enjoy your blog so much I'd hate it if you decided to give up. I realise that finding all the lovely pictures and photos for your blog must take quite a bit of time. Let's be honest it's the reason I haven't got a blog.
Your post made me think about lurkers - myself specifically. It appears I enjoy looking into your life - a voyeur - but don't want to share my life with you. How selfish is that!
Makes a note to self to comment more than once in three blue moons.
I'm with the others - take the anti-histamine so that you can clear your head and get on with enjoying life.
Speaking from experience, lying awake in pain in the night can bring some amazing insights. I could ramble on about this ...
Pearl

Dandelion seeds said...

if you don't leave, I will continue to enjoy reading. If you do leave, I will wish you well on the journey and think of you.

many blessings either way.

Stephanie said...

my first time here....found you clicking through Sandy's....

I don't know you at all, but find your candiness refreshing and would suggest you think on the quitting business...maybe the time of morning and the horrible allergies talking....

just saying....

AnnieElf said...

Hi Robyn. It looks like I've arrived a little late for the 3 a.m. party but what the hey. You are feeling better now and that is the good thing. Vietnam trip - how cool that will be. What stories you will have to tell. Hugs, Annie

Kathryn Knoll said...

3 in the morning is always when spirit is wanting a word with us. Sometimes it's the dog that comes in and rattles his collar or that I need to get up and pee, but it is always around then. My friend Cindy says this is when the veil is the thinnest and Spirit can speak with us. Sorry it was allergies for you. I used to wake up regularly and not be able to get back to sleep and then be exhausted in the morning. Then one day in the wee hours the thought came to me. Why don't I use this time to send Reiki to someone? I'm awake anyway. So I would ask:"okay who needs prayers?" And then I would take the first name or face that came to me. Before I knew it, morning had come and I had fallen asleep sometime during the Reiki session. Many women going through perimenopause have trouble sleeping. I think this is built in as a natural part of the change so that we can begin to direct the energy out into the world. It's like our wombs are little batteries that for a period of time generate energy to give life to children or, in the case of us Nuns, to the ideas and projects we have conceived and given birth to. Schools , hospitals, art work etc. Then at some point it is time for the batteries to build up energy to be sent out for the purpose of healing or ? Some Spiritual thing. Many monastic orders have a rhythum of prayer to their day called the Divine Office. Spaced out through out the day are times to stop and pray. One of those time is about 3 or 4 in the morning. Somehow, either by accident or on purpose they discovered the time the veil is the thinnest and decided to purposely wake up and pray then. None of this will make you feel any better. When your body is struggling, it is really very hard to want to think of any positive thoughts about your situation. About 3 years ago I was diagnose with diabetes. I didn't like it but I did everything I could to support my body. Before I knew I was diabetic I easily lost weight. Now, that I am doing all the right things and even taking meds. I can't lose an oz. All I do is gain weight. I am on my tread mill, my exercycle, I've practically worn my poor greyhound out walking him several times a day. He looks at me and says: "You go, I just can't keep doing this...." I felt healthier before I found out that my blood sugar was wildly out of control. I didn't eats sweets, but I didn't know about the carbs. All this to say, sometimes being in body sucks! That being said, though, I believe that being here in whatever state my body is today matters. It matters to you and it matters to the hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions of people I have never met but who enjoy the energy I have put out there with love and blessings for our world. Sometimes I even get feedback from some people who appreciate the clay heart (I made) someone gave them at just the right time in their life, or that they love the idea of drawing a heart around something to help them respond with love when they would have rather cursed. Just look at the post you made at 3 a.m. as a gigantic sneeze. You let it all hang out. Maybe the release will help what ails you to finally be released, too. Don't be surpised if you may be the next recipient of Reiki from me tomarrow morning. Blessings, Sr. K

Julie Marie said...

Robyn,

Did you ever think that the faeries or the angels might be telling you it's okay to go with conventional medicine for once?

"The long dark night of the soul." Some commenter said that. Yes, Robyn, that's exactly what all your anguish was about.

Julie

Night Owl said...

hi Robyn, Sorry you're feeling so bad. I've felt a bit like that for the last week, I've hardly switched my computer on. Sometimes you need a break ;-)