"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)

Monday, 1 March 2010

wash away my fears [long drawn out saga]

[a cake of french olive oil soap in a true antique french soap dish. one of my treasures]

what a day. nothing happened.

oh yes, I went to have the mammotome. what a fiasco that was.
I arrived half an hour early and was taken to a room where i had to put on a lovely pink hospital gown.. [you know, the ones with the ties that don't quite match up.. so I tied a lovely big bow around the gathered fabric looking quite chic]. and was told to sit and wait. so I got our my book, put my glasses on and proceeded to read. with the other ladies there, all dressed in a motley assortment of hospital gowns. some of the ladies had no hair. some didn't speak english. others had the look of fear that i am sure I had in my eyes too. I had decided that morning, that if this is my lot, then I am going to make it a joyful one. so I took my shoes off and sat with my feet up on a chair, reading. feeling very glamourous in the gown.
my name was called & I was taken in to have even more scans and then I was told that I was not booked in for the procedure. my name was there but I was only down for a review and a 2nd opinion. not the mammotome which I know that my Dr had told myself and dutch husband that I was to have today.
I complained about that, explaining that my Dr. Had specifically said I was to have a mammotome. then another nurse came in and took me to have even more scans and then told me the machine was broken down.
she suggested I go home, make another appointment to come back next week.
no. I thought to myself.. I am not coming back next week at all.
Of course, by this time I was emotional and burst into tears.
dutch husband drove us home, with me in pretty much shock... and when I arrived home I called the breast specialists office & spoke to his head breast care nurse who was going to talk to him about what happened and get back to me tomorrow.

this is just awful to have to go through, it is bringing all that happened with my previous cancer back.. same thing.. procedure, after procedure.. waiting, waiting and then my pre cancer/early stage cancer turns into an aggressive one. so now,
I am refusing to go back, sit in a freezing cold room to have a procedure, the mammotome, that 'might' get a sample of the calcifications. and if that does not work, then I am to have another biopsy.
tomorrow, I am going to tell the Dr that I want the biopsy done under anaesthetic. forget all the preliminary tests, which really just prolongs it all and adds to my anxiety..
so you see, I am still in the dark as to what it is.

[and there goes my ambition to write about my lovely life.. it is what it is today]


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Oh, that's terrible! How stressful to get all "psyched up" for nothing. I hope your doctor's office can get everything running back on track for you.

mxtodis123 said...

Oh, I can just imagine what you are going through right now. My prayers are with you.

Diva Kreszl said...

stay strong sweetie! speak your mind and be your own advocate, these Dr's and nurses need to know you are a real person not just a number on a chart. Demand to be seen and do what you must. Keeping you in prayer!

Fire Byrd said...

That's so not what you needed.
But I had to smile at the image of you with your feet up reading a book. Did you notice if the book was the right way up or are you word perfect on one sentence now!!

~Sheila~ said...

Good for you Robyn. You are taking control, and that is important.
Having experienced these things before you know all too well what to expect, and that increases the fear factor.
We put our faith in Drs. but sometimes we have to listen to our gut.
I admire your determination.

Janet said...

There seems to be an epidemic of incompetence anymore. I can only imagine your frustration and irritation with this whole scenario. Hopefully your doctor can get things back on track and put your mind at ease.

PS - you DO have a lovely life! Don't forget that.

spirit said...

It must have been awful for you Robyn...prayers and healing thoughts are sent to you. xx

Pam said...

The day would have been hard enough without all that- what a muck-up. So sorry you had to go through all that which feeds into all the experiences you've had before.Keep strong Robyn, you'll get through this, you have lots of support and prayers.Much love.xx

Linda said...

What an awful ordeal for you Robyn{{{hugs]]] Stay strong and continue to demand the best treatment possible. Prayers are being sent to you♥ xoxo

Deedee said...

My sincere sympathy for what you are enduring right now, Robyn. I was thinking about your post last week concerning Lent and what to give up.
Since I know you love Catholic icons, I will give you the Catholic concept of Lent.
A little background:
Jesus was fasting alone in the desert for forty days and the devil confronted him and tried to coerce him over to "the dark side" while he was weak from hunger and loneliness, with promises of material riches and great power. Of course, Jesus stayed steadfast, and the evil one was denied. Catholics are urged to sacrifice for the forty days of lent and deny themselves something that will create a real feeling of self-denial in themselves as an acknowledgement and an homage to the great sacrifice of Christ, on our behalf.
What if you gave up your fear and worries about cancer for Lent? Refuse to think of all that can go wrong and resolve to expect only the best outcome?

I know it is easy to suggest when I am not in our situation, but from personal experience, I know that all things work out for the best when we trust in that which we cannot see, but still believe.

I beleive in a good outcome for you.

Serena said...

What a bummer and how frustrating! I hope your doctor does as you prefer and save you having to endure all the preliminary tests. xo

Imogen said...

Oh GODS how frustrating for you! It is totally unecessary for such mix-ups to happen, and the sufferers are those who are already suffering. So unfair. Keep heart and go on being strong...

Paula - Buenos Aires said...

{big hug}