I woke this morning knowing that i must try to get my life back to some kind of normalcy.. to take myself in hand and create that sacred haven I had until last week. I am driving my self nuts with the constant worrying & fretting.
But how does a mother separate herself from her son's pain. Could Mary do it? I look at the photo from my post a few days ago and realize that she felt her son's pain just as I am feeling my own son's pain. I feel grief just like she did. I sit near my son and feel his heartache washing over me, consuming me and I don't walk away. I cannot separate myself from his pain, I am taking his pain on. But how does a mother separate herself from the hurt that one of their children are feeling? is it possible? .. when you have children your emotions no longer stop at yourself - they stretch around your children, wherever they are. It is amazing, and beautiful, and it can tear your soul at times. It is a special bond, and I don't think that even Fathers feel the same thing (words of a wise friend). He wanders around our home, lost, displaced from a family that he adored, wondering what life is all about. I want to put a bandaid on his hurt and kiss it all better.. and tell him it is ok, that mum will fix it for him. But I can't. there is not a thing I can do except let it all take it's course and allow him to go through the process of all the emotions. Knowing that it will all work out in whatever way it is meant to...and I know I must look after myself. My adrenals are shot to pieces right now. I must begin to nurture myself too.
I sat this morning journalling my thoughts, trying not to rehash what has happened over and over. I don't want to continue giving it energy that I really don't have. Sitting contemplatively, looking out onto my garden.. the roses kind of made their presence known to me. Standing out, to remind me that I am never alone that Mother Mary is with me always. I have felt comfort from her presence this past week, having my rosary beads in my pocket and touching them whenever I needed some solace...
Our family changed last week and whether we like it or not.. that is the fact of the matter. My spiritual life came to a grounding halt. Going from a Sacred ritualistic day to nothing. No morning blessings, no cleansing & protecting my aura, no meditation. And I know that I must return to this as it is so very important to me.
So today, I reorganise my home around so that I can do my prayers and blessings in the privacy of the little room that I call Sacred Space. Usually I did this in front of my main altar in my dining room, but now, I feel like I am exposed, or rather on show, so I must take myself to a private place. I know that I must spend time in my garden ~ the peace and tranquility that I find there will be balm for my soul..