"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)

Sunday, 25 October 2009

a mothers heart-ache while being surrounded by roses

Queen Adelaide rose ~ one of the first 'royal' roses that I planted. The perfume is divine..

I woke this morning knowing that i must try to get my life back to some kind of normalcy.. to take myself in hand and create that sacred haven I had until last week. I am driving my self nuts with the constant worrying & fretting.

But how does a mother separate herself from her son's pain. Could Mary do it? I look at the photo from my post a few days ago and realize that she felt her son's pain just as I am feeling my own son's pain. I feel grief just like she did. I sit near my son and feel his heartache washing over me, consuming me and I don't walk away. I cannot separate myself from his pain, I am taking his pain on. But how does a mother separate herself from the hurt that one of their children are feeling? is it possible? .. when you have children your emotions no longer stop at yourself - they stretch around your children, wherever they are. It is amazing, and beautiful, and it can tear your soul at times. It is a special bond, and I don't think that even Fathers feel the same thing (words of a wise friend). He wanders around our home, lost, displaced from a family that he adored, wondering what life is all about. I want to put a bandaid on his hurt and kiss it all better.. and tell him it is ok, that mum will fix it for him. But I can't. there is not a thing I can do except let it all take it's course and allow him to go through the process of all the emotions. Knowing that it will all work out in whatever way it is meant to...and I know I must look after myself. My adrenals are shot to pieces right now. I must begin to nurture myself too.

Queen Elizabeth rose ~ a favourite of my Dad.

I sat this morning journalling my thoughts, trying not to rehash what has happened over and over. I don't want to continue giving it energy that I really don't have. Sitting contemplatively, looking out onto my garden.. the roses kind of made their presence known to me. Standing out, to remind me that I am never alone that Mother Mary is with me always. I have felt comfort from her presence this past week, having my rosary beads in my pocket and touching them whenever I needed some solace...

Our family changed last week and whether we like it or not.. that is the fact of the matter. My spiritual life came to a grounding halt. Going from a Sacred ritualistic day to nothing. No morning blessings, no cleansing & protecting my aura, no meditation. And I know that I must return to this as it is so very important to me.

when I sit and look out my window, this rose takes me to an English garden.. even though I have never been there

So today, I reorganise my home around so that I can do my prayers and blessings in the privacy of the little room that I call Sacred Space. Usually I did this in front of my main altar in my dining room, but now, I feel like I am exposed, or rather on show, so I must take myself to a private place. I know that I must spend time in my garden ~ the peace and tranquility that I find there will be balm for my soul..


Debra She Who Seeks said...

You are wise to spend healing time with your garden and spiritual practices as you embody the terrible pain of Stabat Mater.

Annie said...

Robyn, love, go here:

I also sending you the entire text in an email.


Fire Byrd said...

I so identify with these words Robyn.The stuff that has happened to Alex this year has hurt so much. Not what he's done that's just dim. But to know my son was in pain and that I couldn't kiss him better.No amount of my worrying was going to help. So I just opened my arms and gave out more love, didn't try to change anything was just there accepting of him. It's taken time, but I believe that doing that has helped him get to a more secure place. he knows the boundaries now and he works with them and not outside them. I know my situation is different,but our mother love isn't. And I so agree that taking solace from nature is a powerful and fulfilling way to stroke ourselves back to emotional well being.

laoi gaul~williams said...

i know the feeling of not having the energy to deal with things other than myself~with the situation with my sister i could not afford to stress, worry and re-hash. there are times when, whether we like it or not, we must pull back in order to preserve our own soul

Ruth said...

I have been working on some artwork involving roses - they are very important in my life right now too.

Diva Kreszl said...

my heart breaks for your family and what you are going through right now. as a mother I don't know how to seperate from your child's pain...I pray that God will surround you both with his love and that he will cradle you in the strength of his arms!!!

Peggy said...

hugs,love,thoughts and prayers coming your way

Wendy said...

Lots of wisdom here in this post and in the comments too. Mother Love is strong and just by loving your son, you are helping him heal. He will get through this. And so will you. Roses are symbols of love and love heals.

peppylady (Dora) said...

Not asking question I can offer a few words of wisdom.

Offer your ear to your son and tell him you won't ask any question or judge what is going on.
Do not bad mouth his ex even if he does.

To me it sometime it harder to be a parent to those who flew the nest.

Coffee is on.

Angela said...

I'm so glad your son has you right now and of course, I absolutely 100% support you in getting back to that self-care. It's essential for some of us and you'll be more effective with him if you're grounded and centered yourself.

Kathryn Knoll said...

I applaud you for making this choice. Fretting and worrying only adds more energy to your son's already chaotic experience of trying to find himself in the rubble of his shattered life. If you are strong in yourself, he has someone to lean on and he does not have to worry about. And if he can see how you take care of yourself on a daily basis maybe he will begin to find ways that he can care for his soul, too. Just as you showed him how to be a good and kind and self confident person when he was living at home through your guidance and example, this too can be a time of support through living your life authentically. You are awesome! Everyone who comes here knows it. You are wise to start caring for your own soul, first and this will be the best way to be of service to your son.

Linda - Gold Coast said...

Thinking of you Robyn and your son. Our children are so very precious to us and when they hurt we hurt, we just wish we could take their pain away. What better way than to surround yourself with such beautiful roses. Please take good care♥ Linda xoxo

amelia said...

I don't think it's possible to separate from your son's pain. I know I can't separate myself from any of my kids pain and I worry and fret, as you do, until there is some resolution. Resolution always comes in time, even if it's not the one you would choose.

The wisest words I've heard and true, are 'This too, shall pass.'

All things do..