right now, I am feeling sad and sorry for myself. I have developed a kind of post radiation recall rash.. well, that is what my oncologist has called it in the past and I am sore. I have to deal with this so am taking a break.. can't say how long. Until I heal and am in a better head space. I need to look after myself. I just want to sit and sob at the unfairness of it all. Oh, I know there are worse of than me.. yadayadayada.. but right now, this is me and I need to deal with it. I need to stop being strong, I need to stop being compassionate unless it is for me and I need to heal. I remember reading a book, back in my catholic days.. called Miracles do Happen by Sr. Breage McKenna. She suffered dreadfully from arthritic feet and oneday, she was praying and pleading that she be healed of this awful affliction and as she prayed she noticed her feet starting to straighten out.... and the healing continued. She was completely healed and was 'told' that she had work to do, to go out and tell people what had happened.... ok.. I believe this did happen but why doesn't it happen to me? Why, when I pray, are my prayers not heard. Why am I not completely healed of all radiation side effects.. restored back to new? Radiation scars disappearing before my eyes?? why? is it because I don't have important work to do in the world? I have no idea... maybe it is because miracles don't really happen (and I am not talking the miracles of everyday life.. where the sun continues to rise or the flowers continue cycles throughout the season..) I am talking miracles that we don't really believe do happen.. like the Sisters healing miracle or the blind person who could see once more or the leper who could walk again... or then there is the belief that I chose this life... well thankyou but Mother earth.. I don't want it anymore.. can I please change it?? I know.. count my blessings.. I have and I am up to 176.... so? I am sore and in pain and I want to give it to the Lord Jesus as he said he would take my burden... come to me all who labour and I will give you rest.. or something along those lines.. maybe he literally meant Labour as in childbirth..well that is me out for that one! anyhow, enough of my ranting.... I have lots to tell when I return.. of our australian flowers and animals.. of childhood memories.. of my life.. but right now.. I am going to go lick my wounds.... maybe that will help cause prayer sure doesn't... (nor does positive affirmations... ha!.. how many times do i have to say that my body is healed and all is well in my world til someone hears??)
so after I did this post, I went out to Katoomba and surprise surprise I decided to walk into a health food shop to buy myself some organic chocolate. I got talking to the herbalist there and just recently she has completed a few courses on post radiation treatment.. long term... and sold me some cream to try.. suppose to work wonders... so I bought that and forgot the chocolate... see how confused I am? forgetting chocolate... I was going to take this post down.. cause it was put up in the heat of one of my moments.. but I will leave it here.. yet another stumble in the journey.....so I am not on a break for too long... maybe a minute or two.. or maybe a day... see you soon xo!!