Pages

"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)


Monday, 7 July 2008

you are invited to a pity party... edited

right now, I am feeling sad and sorry for myself. I have developed a kind of post radiation recall rash.. well, that is what my oncologist has called it in the past and I am sore. I have to deal with this so am taking a break.. can't say how long. Until I heal and am in a better head space. I need to look after myself. I just want to sit and sob at the unfairness of it all. Oh, I know there are worse of than me.. yadayadayada.. but right now, this is me and I need to deal with it. I need to stop being strong, I need to stop being compassionate unless it is for me and I need to heal. I remember reading a book, back in my catholic days.. called Miracles do Happen by Sr. Breage McKenna. She suffered dreadfully from arthritic feet and oneday, she was praying and pleading that she be healed of this awful affliction and as she prayed she noticed her feet starting to straighten out.... and the healing continued. She was completely healed and was 'told' that she had work to do, to go out and tell people what had happened.... ok.. I believe this did happen but why doesn't it happen to me? Why, when I pray, are my prayers not heard. Why am I not completely healed of all radiation side effects.. restored back to new? Radiation scars disappearing before my eyes?? why? is it because I don't have important work to do in the world? I have no idea... maybe it is because miracles don't really happen (and I am not talking the miracles of everyday life.. where the sun continues to rise or the flowers continue cycles throughout the season..) I am talking miracles that we don't really believe do happen.. like the Sisters healing miracle or the blind person who could see once more or the leper who could walk again... or then there is the belief that I chose this life... well thankyou but Mother earth.. I don't want it anymore.. can I please change it?? I know.. count my blessings.. I have and I am up to 176.... so? I am sore and in pain and I want to give it to the Lord Jesus as he said he would take my burden... come to me all who labour and I will give you rest.. or something along those lines.. maybe he literally meant Labour as in childbirth..well that is me out for that one! anyhow, enough of my ranting.... I have lots to tell when I return.. of our australian flowers and animals.. of childhood memories.. of my life.. but right now.. I am going to go lick my wounds.... maybe that will help cause prayer sure doesn't... (nor does positive affirmations... ha!.. how many times do i have to say that my body is healed and all is well in my world til someone hears??)

so after I did this post, I went out to Katoomba and surprise surprise I decided to walk into a health food shop to buy myself some organic chocolate. I got talking to the herbalist there and just recently she has completed a few courses on post radiation treatment.. long term... and sold me some cream to try.. suppose to work wonders... so I bought that and forgot the chocolate... see how confused I am? forgetting chocolate... I was going to take this post down.. cause it was put up in the heat of one of my moments.. but I will leave it here.. yet another stumble in the journey.....so I am not on a break for too long... maybe a minute or two.. or maybe a day... see you soon xo!!

17 comments:

Caitlin said...

I don't have any wise words or even any unwise ones. I just don't know why life is how it is either Robyn. You're asking a question I've asked myself a thousand times.

I do know that you are entitled to be angry if you want, so you go for it. Then pop over to my blog for a pale pink cupcake.

I'll be thinking of you.
Caitlin

Rowan said...

Hope you are feeling better now Robyn - both mentally and physically. We all go through bad patches now and again, you will come out the other side and feel good once more.

Caitlin said...

YOU FORGOT THE CHOCOLATE??????? Great that you got the ointment though. :-)

Anyway, vodka AND cupcakes can be arranged. I think you're right about our sense of humour - and that, combined with said vodka and cupcakes, could result in a raucous afternoon.

Ruth said...

Forgetting chocolate is serious!

Lady Laurie said...

Dear Robyn,
I think after all you've been through you are entitled to a pity party now and then! I know when I have rough times I sometimes get sick of well meaning people telling me "chin up" and "things will soon get better," yada yada... sometimes you just need to get it all out before you can take another step.
Thinking of you, I hope the cream helps ~ sending hugs...

Kathryn Knoll said...

Sometimes the miracle comes about through a connection, like the herbal shop trip and a salve. Sometimes the happening-before-your-eyes is not the true miracle, but what changes are taking place in secret while you are busy about other things. We are so tuned in to instant, we want our miracles to be instant, too, but that is really not how most big change happens. Look at bringing a baby into the world. It takes nine months for the child to be ready, and the mother's body gradually accomadating the growth inside of her, and then the preparation for actually pushing the little one out. Then, we see this miracle before our eyes and are blown away and we forget the time that elapsed between conception and birth. "It's a miracle," we say. In order for the healing to take place much has to go on "under the surface" Waiting is always a woman's game isn't it? Don't be surprised, when you least expect it, things will improve. You'll be focused on other things when you notice the problem gone or greatly lessened. In the meantime, we all love to visit and hear what is going on in Inglewood. That you feel lousy but are willing to visit dispite that, is the miracle! Blessings, always, Sr.K

Gill said...

Sometimes things happen that we can't change but our struggle with acceptance leads us to an inner strength. Sending you love and healing.

Leanne said...

hope you're feeling better noe Robyn,we all feel like that sometimes.

Leanne x

amelia said...

I read your first post and didn't know what to say. Now you've edited it I have to say I'm so happy you're feeling a little better!! Let's hope the ointment works, you've probably tried it by now, maybe your skin is feeling less sore, what a horrible thing to happen.

Go and buy chocolate...

AwtemNymf said...

I'm lighting a candle for healing for you dear! Let me mail you some chocolate! *winks*
Hugs & sending healing vibes!

Cat said...

Chocolate...forgot...wow!
I hope you find that the ointment works for you, otherwise the vodka and cupcakes might help.
I'm afraid I have no experience with radiation related rashes, but sending you healing thoughts.

Lola Enchanted said...

Hello, I hope your feeling better.. We all deserve "pity parties"! I feel sad for you! Sometimes I wonder (well, all the time) why do things like this happen to people who don't deserve it. You are one of those people. You don't deserve what your going through. I will be praying for you and hoping with all my might, that you will heal, inside and out! Take care brave soul!!!!

Pam said...

Dear Robyn. A big hug for you.The others who have left a comment have expressed what I wanted to say very eloquently and well.I'm glad you left the post as it is.Sometimes the fairy finds itself sitting on a cow pat by mistake.Doesn't make the fairy any less lovable,and manure,my dear friend, does not shame the field.You go and get that chocolate. Now.

Tracy said...

Oh Robyn, I'm sorry you are having a rough go of things lately. Sending good wishes & healing thoughts your way! {{hugs}}

Gemma said...

Yes forgetting chocolate is serious!!! Here is how I get through these things....with trust!
I trust that I landed here Okay.
I trust the powers that be to guide me and see me through.
Prayer, meditation, time in nature, listening to my wise self
...so far so good. Hope you are feeling better.
xx
sending love

tinker said...

Hope you're feeling better by now, and enjoying your break - and maybe some chocolates too. Take good care of you~XOXO

A bird in the hand said...

I'm with you. Prayers, miracles, affirmations. I don't know that they work. I think we stick it out until it passes, a new door opens, a herbal cream comes our way... those are our little "miracles".

Much love to you.
xoxo