"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)

Saturday, 10 November 2007


today, I woke to the rain pouring down... the new moon.. the day I was supposed to go to Juliet's Balcony to read all my letters for my Croning ceremony... but paths are washed away and become treacherous. There are no snakes or spiders in the rain but leeches in their millions come out in the damp rainforest area that I walk in and I have a bigger fear of leeches than I do of snakes... both past life memories (*note to self - work on this*) this morning.. I am going to take a candle, some incense and all the lovely words of wisdom from Goddess friends, buy myself a cup of coffee from Bakehouse on Wentworth and go to a 'cave' at a favourite lookout and read these words and write my thoughts down in my journal....I will take a photo of the mist over the valley and maybe my aboriginal guide will be with me... I know that Dad and daisy will be! Today, the new moon in Scorpio.. a time when the veil between worlds is exceptionally thin....

I struggle with God. I am scared of God... and don't have a true or good relationship with the creator.. called God, the Universe or the Goddess....I struggle with a true connection to Her, I feel guilty if I connect with the Goddess and bypass the God of my childhood.....

I am the girl on the right!

I was born into a Anglican family, my Dads' parents were Independent and held their church in their home every Sunday... but as a child, I was sent to the local Anglican Sunday school, yes off to Sunday school I would go... like a good little girl.. dressed in my good dress with gloves, hat and handbag...... We had a minister, Mr Rawson who seemed about 100 years old back then... he stood up at the pulpit every Sunday, shaking his fist and telling us we would all go to hell... 'fear God' he said.. and I did.. and thus began my fear of God. I joined the seventh day adventists when I was about 14.. having signed up for a 'free' bible' and then having to do a course of lessons... I thought I had found what I was looking for.... but no, they had that same God who was fearful and more 'guilt' was heaped on as I was continually told that I was a bad person and would go to hell..... I let go of any kind of belief through out my teenage years, as we do... but always i wondered why I was here... what did I have 'to do'.... and through my twenties, I searched for that God that I heard about.. the God who is Love... that God who is my divinity... the one who loves me.. when I was 30, I converted to Catholicism.. a wonderful priest took me under his wing and became my mentor.. then he retired and moved.. a new priest.. and back to hell fire and brimstone but this time on top of it was the guilt of sinning and confession .. so I left the church.. left christianity and became my own little mentor and I search for something that is missing in my life.. I need to find a loving God and I need to learn to love my SELF...

but more than anything, I need to discover the Goddess, to build a relationship with Her.... that is what I am trying to work through.. to let go of the guilt of having the Goddess in my life... to let go of the patriarchal teachings that are entrenched in my soul.... I need to believe that I am a divine immortal being...I want to connect, really connect with Mother Earth and Father Sky.... and this is the perfect time to begin... the new moon, a time of new beginnings... we are so lucky, we have many opportunities each year, to begin over...

and a big happy birthday to my Dad..I miss him... he was a good dad.. he did the best job he could with what he knew... he wasn't perfect but he was my friend.


kim said...

To me God, Goddess, whatever should not be feared. I think it sends the wrong message.

I lit my candle today at 6:30am and said the prayer you mailed us. it was peaceful.

Krissie said...

robyn, that photo is incredible, I have one with me dressed in exactly the same way - as we all were back then, I also have the hat and gloves etc all for church. thanks for the memory!

Gemma said...

I believe in and trust the higher power....whatsoever it is! I feel it in my heart. I want to spend my time in the presence of love not that is what I put my trust in.

peppylady said...

I don't if your looking for and answer or opinion. But I'm still developing or trying to have a strong individual relationship with a higher being to me that is father sky and mother earth.
I know I don't have all the answers.

I real have a hang up with using fear is to love god/dess.

Bimbimbie said...

I didn't get chance to look in on you yesterday and missed Daisy's Birthday - I'm sure both she and your dad were sitting either side of you today *!*

Sunday School "Best Clothes", I remember hats and gloves like those too and my feelings about going.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sweetpea, Love the photo... you are precious. I have been up to my eyeballs in cakes, craft & school.... but have nearly finished your stocking and bits and pieces... I cannot wait to mail it to you. I love the way you open up to all your sisters and reveal your layers. You truly are amazing. Lots of love, Nic xox.

tinker said...

Hi Robyn - thinking of you today - even though it's really tomorrow there, lol, I know that sounds like nonsense, but I know you'll understand.

I know my belief is a departure from traditional doctrine, but I believe God is Whoever and Whatever we want and need God to be for us - God isn't really just outside of us, but inside us as well, and that each of us is a part of God, manifesting here on earth, male and female, rich or poor, healthy or otherwise. At the same time (contradictorily, because I seem to have all kinds of contradictory beliefs), I believe God is bigger than all of us on this little planet put all together - which is a comforting thought to me. I hope you find a way that brings you peace.
Namaste, today and everyday ~ xOx

solsticedreamer said...

I was brought up as a pagan by a dad who believed we should make our own choices,so there was no church, no christenings/baptism,no sunday school, we were left to roam the moor's and forests and streams at will and discover our own spirituality.
To be honest because of this i do find it very difficult to understand when people talk of God and fear etc...i do try to!
But Robyn i know you are going to get to where you want to be and dont forget we are all here with you.
Huge Bright Blessings to you todayxoxox

Gillian @ Indigo Blue said...

I agree with you revolting against those kind of "fear" based teachings. They to me don't resonate with a loving and kind God.
Therefore, you can keep the religion. God is within us all. He is within you too, whether you call it a He or a She, you are divine, Robyn.
Happy Birthday to your dad, happy Croning Ceremony to you, and may you find the peace you are looking for.
p.s. Mum and I did your candle ceremony yesterday. We thought of you and all in your circle.

amelia said...

I'm with Solsticedreamer on this. This is how i raised my kids although I was not raised this way.

I believe in a higher power but I don't think it should be feared only in as much as we are to protect what is here and not destroy.

I hope, Robyn, that today gives you some peace and that it remains with you on your journey.

A bird in the hand said...

From the dawn of time, religions have taught fear. It was a way of keeping people in check. Gods and goddesses make me uncomfortable because they remind me of Greek mythology -- which goes to show what power a word or name has.

I believe in a God of love, which was what Jesus taught, but again institutionalized religions needed to keep their God of Fear, straddling the Old and New Testaments. You must remember that all of these rules and regulations and dogmas were created not by any God, but by male humans!

Father-Mother God does it for me!


Sheila said...

Robyn, you know only too well my feelings on this.
I went to Sunday school and church and church schools.
I believe in a higher power, but could never be convinced by anyone to fear him/her.
Respect yes, fear never.

Polly said...

I'm sorry that you have negative memories of church. The preaching of Law without the Gospel is very common and creates lots of guilt while hiding Christ from the people.

You have been baptized and marked with the cross forever - perhaps you will find yourself returning full circle at some point.

Grace said...

Dear miss*R...may I send you huge big hugs from California? I related to this post so very have articulated things that have been whooshing around in me since losing my own 'religion' 6 years ago (posted a little about it last Friday).

This is such a weird journey for me, struggling to detangle myself from the remains of Christianity, while staying true to myself AND not being fearful of embracing a true Goddess worship path.

I honor your courage and strength so much. You are a shining example of a woman who listens to her heart and follows it...