"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

it's time to take time out -

this is not an easy decision to make and I don't even know if it is the right one. But i have to stop blogging for awhile. I have been sitting here crying, feeling lonely and blaming life. I was crying about my pain in my shoulders from stress, I was crying because I am consumed with this soul journey and am finding it difficult to live in the present moment. I cried because I have to pay someone $110 an hour to fix something that is not my fault. I am even beginning to think I am going to have to get anti depressants and you all know how I feel about that.
I journalled today: I hate that Daisy died, I hate that I have no one in real life to share my journey with, I hate that I have this dreadful feeling of soul lonliness. I hate that I can't cry. I hate that i have this feeling of burdening people with my problems, I hate that I analyze and stress about every single email I get, I hate the fact that I keep thinking I am a burden to people, I am always aware of 'energy stealing' and on and on it went.

I sat and weeped....wanting a friend. Then I tried to declutter my art room as it is chaotic. I cannot live like this anymore. I can't live in chaos. I have realized that I spend way too much time on the computer.....looking for answers. I am using the computer and internet for a shadow comfort so I have decided to limit my time until I get it sorted out. The thing is - that I know that I am really a joyful fun-loving person. I am full of love & kindness but it is not showing itself alot lately. I feel drained. I really need to be able to tap into my own wisdom.
I want a friend who I can talk to about my grief, a friend who I can say- 'gee, I feel like crap today' and not feel guilty about telling someone how I feel. I want a friend to share my magick with... I want to be able to answer truthfully if someone asks am I ok.. I want to be able to accept a hug from someone without pushing them away. I want to be able to voice my opinion with out having to worry about offending someone...
I want to be able to feel like this and not feel guilty about not being joyful all the time... because in reality.. life is not joyful all the time, I don't care what Louise Hay or Doreen Virtue or any self help book says. I want to be able to use the dark part of my journey in a good way, to embrace it. I want to stop worrying about what the Secret says in using the words want and need...
Hell, I am not even sure if this post is going to make any sense.
My email is on my profile and I would love to keep in touch. if you would like to email.. please do, I would love to hear from you.
I need to sort this out once and for all....


Connie said...

Take good care of yourself...miss you already.


Gillian @ Indigo Blue said...

What can I say? Time out may be good. Email those people you want to speak to directly, and just give blogging a break until your head clears.
You DO know the answers.
I am here.