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"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)


Tuesday, 16 March 2010

filling my life with chatter

[this post is a babbling post.. kind of a nervous chattery post.. filling my life with chatter to try to ignore what is coming for me on Thursday]
last night, having just got into bed, my eyes rested on the blue butterflies [the ones daisy sent me], hanging above my bed. I wondered if I should take them to my new home.. or leave them here... my mind continued to wander along a path to Daisy herself and dying & my mind continued to wander to actually finally meeting Daisy when I die.. and wondering what it would be like.. would she be like I had imagined her to be? even in spirit?...my mind wandered to my great grandmother and her mother.. will they be there with me on Thursday? will they all gather around the operating table? [yes, my mind goes some very odd places sometimes].
dutch husband must have seen the blank look on my face [you know the look that you get when you are day-dreaming.. that far away look?] ..because he asked what was wrong.
and I said
"you know, I am not scared of dying [of course I don't want to die yet, though!].. it will be like exchanging one set of loved ones for another"
'don't talk like that babe' he said [he doesn't like it when I talk of dying. I think it scares him]

but that is what I think death is.. leaving behind loved ones on earth to meet up with loved ones you have lost and loved ones you have never met. what fun to meet up with my great grandmothers and beyond!... this may all sound very morbid.. but that is where my mind takes me sometimes.

I am not scared of dying. I am scared of pain. like the pain of the biopsy needle on Thursday, when I am awake. that scares the living daylights out of me but of course, once I am there, it will all just happen as things tend to do. and I will go into my own little world to escape like I did when I had all my other treatments..

now to choosing the new name for our new home
why not choose Inglewood again?..
I wish to have a fresh start . .. we have had a fantastic 10yrs here but it was renovated and built around our family. alot has changed.. and all I must take are my memories. it will be forever in my heart. I will have cuttings and bulbs of plants to remember Inglewood by.. and like i said, I will have my memories.. like Joe says 'this is a new chapter' . another home could never be Inglewood.

I love the new name:Villa Maria.

and have decided to also open a new blog when we move into our new home..
I have created it [and am still in the process of] and thought you might like a sneak preview.. no posts yet though!
stories of Villa Maria

13 comments:

Diva Kreszl said...

loved this post today, we had this very conversation with the teens in our youth group at church last week. We are currently studying Max Lucado's book 'Fearless' and were discussing the chapter on fear of death. I am now afraid of death either for my faith tells me that not only will I get to meet family and friends that have gone before me but also my sweet Jesus, the saints and our Heavenly Father. As the lyrics of the sone say 'I can only imagine'! The kids and I discussed that the grieving was much more difficult for those we leave behind. Now moving on dear one, you have nothing to fear, you will be fine!!! My sister has had many needle biopsies and said the worrying is far worse than the procedure. Imagine your new Villa, your sweet dutch husband face, even lovely memories of Inglewood and before you now it, it will be over. I shall be praying for you sweetie, God will hold you close and wrap you in His loving arms!

mxtodis123 said...

I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better. Just know that I am here for you.
Mary

Carol H said...

Villa Maria, what a perfect name for your new home. Robyn, remember on Thursday that we will all be with you in spirit, so will the Blessed Mother, St. Therese and the angels. And, it will be St Patrick's day so you will have the luck of the Irish with you too.
Lots of Hugs,
Carol

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Oh yes, there must be a NEW name for your new house. And a new blog just for it is a great idea too.

Tracy said...

I'll be thinking of you on Thursday (and praying, too!). {{hugs}}

laoi gaul~williams said...

i too think of meeting my ancestors when i pass to the summerlands. i know some of them have been around me for many years but to know i will meet them is something to embrace :)

so looking forwards to seeing your new site :)

amelia said...

I am not invited so no sneak preview!!!

amelia said...

We are all at the least, apprehensive about dying so your thoughts are quite normal. I find the older I get the less I worry about it. Don't know why that is maybe it's a side effect of ageing, there have to be a couple of pluses!!

gemma said...

Don't be afraid of that needle Robyn. It will be over with before you know it. You will be numb and not feel a thing. They did a needle biopsy of my kidney once. Didn't hurt at all.
As for dying...I am not afraid of that either. It is a natural thing.
I trust the powers that be.
For now let's celebrate life. YAY!!! Life is good!
Please invite me to see Villa Maria.
Love you
x

Laurie said...

Thinking of you and sending love,hugs and prayers ~
I love the name of your new house ~ Villa Maria sounds so sweet to the ears...
Laurie

Kathryn said...

Did you know that this friday, the 19th is the feast of St. Joseph. Be a good time to ask for a favor re: the sale of your house. At the very least you can make a big splash for him on his feast. With or without a statue, he is the protector and help mate of mother Mary, Just as Mary had her Joe, you have yours. Coincidence? I think not...All is well now, believe!

Linda said...

I'm late catching up with all the happenings. I am so pleased you have found the perfect name for your new home and blog. I do hope you decide to take your blue butterflies that Daisy sent you♥ Speaking of Daisy I don't know why but over the past few days I have been reading her blog, she was just such an amazing lady and I know you miss her so very much xx Will be keeping you in my prayers tomorrow Robyn along with everyone else and I hope you and Joe have a wonderful Wedding Anniversary day on Friday, blessing and lots of love to you both♥♥ Linda xoxo

Paula said...

Having lived in Spain for long, when I read Villa Maria and having the name "Tales of INglewood" in my mind, I think of two names:
"Los cuentos del Villa Maria" (Tales of....) and what I like even more: "La cantadora del Casa Maria" (The storyteller of the house of Maria). please do not get me wrong. I do not suggest you shall change the name, however it is inspiring and got the my soul imaging already the new house. I kep my fingers crossed for the Sale and all the best for you and yours.