[this post is a babbling post.. kind of a nervous chattery post.. filling my life with chatter to try to ignore what is coming for me on Thursday]
last night, having just got into bed, my eyes rested on the blue butterflies [the ones daisy sent me], hanging above my bed. I wondered if I should take them to my new home.. or leave them here... my mind continued to wander along a path to Daisy herself and dying & my mind continued to wander to actually finally meeting Daisy when I die.. and wondering what it would be like.. would she be like I had imagined her to be? even in spirit?...my mind wandered to my great grandmother and her mother.. will they be there with me on Thursday? will they all gather around the operating table? [yes, my mind goes some very odd places sometimes].
dutch husband must have seen the blank look on my face [you know the look that you get when you are day-dreaming.. that far away look?] ..because he asked what was wrong.
and I said
"you know, I am not scared of dying [of course I don't want to die yet, though!].. it will be like exchanging one set of loved ones for another"
'don't talk like that babe' he said [he doesn't like it when I talk of dying. I think it scares him]
but that is what I think death is.. leaving behind loved ones on earth to meet up with loved ones you have lost and loved ones you have never met. what fun to meet up with my great grandmothers and beyond!... this may all sound very morbid.. but that is where my mind takes me sometimes.
I am not scared of dying. I am scared of pain. like the pain of the biopsy needle on Thursday, when I am awake. that scares the living daylights out of me but of course, once I am there, it will all just happen as things tend to do. and I will go into my own little world to escape like I did when I had all my other treatments..
now to choosing the new name for our new home
why not choose Inglewood again?..
I wish to have a fresh start . .. we have had a fantastic 10yrs here but it was renovated and built around our family. alot has changed.. and all I must take are my memories. it will be forever in my heart. I will have cuttings and bulbs of plants to remember Inglewood by.. and like i said, I will have my memories.. like Joe says 'this is a new chapter' . another home could never be Inglewood.
I love the new name:Villa Maria.
and have decided to also open a new blog when we move into our new home..
I have created it [and am still in the process of] and thought you might like a sneak preview.. no posts yet though!
stories of Villa Maria