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"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)


Thursday, 25 March 2010

this time tomorrow

[isn't she beautiful? My St.Therese]

yes, tomorrow I will get the results of the biopsy back. will it be cancer? I don't know.

today, the nurse called to put my appointment to an earlier time slot and I went into panic mode..
my mind going places of 'them needing more time with me to go through what will happen next'.
the first time all week I have been afraid.
the past week, I have embraced what is happening to me.
every now and then, I felt a fear, but soon brushed that aside.

I made myself some lunch and went outside to sit on my verandah. and as I did, a kookaburra flew past and sat on the fence. just looking at me. I haven't seen one in my garden since November. I always take this as a sign from my dad. he loved the bird and every time something happens in my life - good or bad, a kookaburra shows up.
I am scared. he is with me.

I sat and allowed the tears to fall, with that awful lump of fear in my chest. knowing that what will be will be, tears cannot change it.

the sensible self tells me that even if it is cancer, the prognosis is good as it is very early.

I look at my St.Therese picture and I feel reassurance that I am ok. ... but the human self is scared. I look at my St.Therese picture and hear whispers of voices telling me not to worry. that I am not alone.

I hate waiting.
I will be happy this time tomorrow, when at least I will know one way or the other. and I will go from there.

17 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Just know that you have many well wishers around the globe, Miss*R, hoping for the very best on your behalf!

Robert said...

Will be thinking of you. Know St Therese is looking over you....but I'm not really that religious so good luck.
take care

Tracy said...

Robyn, sending you lots of love your way! Praying the results are of a good report.

Diva Kreszl said...

perhaps your Dad coming to sit with you in the form of the Kookabura is His way of telling you not to worry that he is with you dear one, I shall be praying for you as always, can you feel it?

Tinker said...

We used to sing a song about the kookaburra when I was in Girl Scouts. Though I've never been lucky enough to see one, I've always liked the idea of them. That seems as though it might be very comforting to have one show up for you right now.
Sending good thoughts your way, Robyn and lots of prayers too.
((Hugs))

mxtodis123 said...

I will be thinking of you and sending positive energy. Know that my prayers will be with you.
Mary

Laurie said...

My prayers are with you Robyn that all is well. St. Therese and your angels are watching over you.
Love,
Laurie

Fire Byrd said...

Love you
xx

It's ok to cry said...

Hi, I read your blog today and I know exactly how you feel. I just don't know what to say and I find it unreal that I sat in the same shoes as you are and I just don't know what to say. I cried as I read it thinking of what all I have been thru and what you are feeling. No matter what anyone said or did, the cards I got, the gifts I got, the phone calls I got, and even the love and prayers, I could not feel it. Then I did, I felt it all and it felt so good. Allow yourself to feel it, think about it,,it will help you thru these waits. That is the worse part...wait. Try to find some good out of it and hold onto that. I pray for a good report tomorrow, I pray for arms to wrapped around you and walk along side you. My heart is very heavy for you and everyone that goes thru this time..You have a begun your journey along side me and many more. I am with all hope that your journey is one of the better ones...Im here if you ever need to talk...always Judy

A bird in the hand said...

What if....they had a cancellation and so it cuts down your "waiting" time?

xox

Kathryn Knoll said...

My prayers and blessing go with you...

laoi gaul~williams said...

he will be with you, but remember they come to us for all sorts of reasons-including just to watch over us at certain times in our lives when they think we need them the most.

know i am with you at this time robyn
xoxoxoxo

Ninnie said...

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and lighting a candle. Love Hugs and Blessings

amelia said...

Again, keeping you close...

Pam said...

Love you Robyn - the little prayer flags are fluttering under the eaves here.xxxxx

gemma said...

It will be OK Robyn
Prayers for you
((xx))

~Sheila~ said...

I'm reading this out of sequence, I've already seen the results posted today.
But for a moment there, I was in tears with you, wishing I could sit with you and hold your hand.
As someone once said the worst fear is fear itself...
hugs
xx