I have been spending most of my time this week, driving to see her. It is a four hour round trip to see her.. I don't mind driving. I usually don't have music playing, but I spend the time thinking.. which I guess is sometimes not a good thing. Yesterday, the trip home, a usual 2 hour trip, took over 5 hours due to an oil spill on the mountain road... 5 fire brigades had to close the road while they mopped up..
* my mum & I taken about 2 years ago*
When I went yesterday to see her, she is sitting up in bed, worrying about all the other patients! Really, she must have a true strong Cornish heart.
a little teary and worried about me losing my mother.. she said to me, 'it is a different kind of grief losing your mother to when you lose your dad'... she is not worried at all about dying but worried that I will spend my time sitting by her bedside if she has a stroke, which there is a very high chance of happening if she has the operation due to her diabetes and family history. But if she opts not to have it, then she will progressively deteriorate and will most probably die of a massive heart attack. ... so we talked about that, as well as what she wants to happen when she dies, she wants to be cremated and put 'somewhere'.
... she gave me some jewellery for my girls and I did some reiki on her.... I took her a huge bunch of flowers from my garden - every single flower was out blooming, amazing. Snowdrops, daphne, roses, violets, lavender, feverfew... I am the eldest daughter, I have one sister who lives out in the country.
The emotions are so difficult, I know many of you will understand what I am going through... I feel a little guilty about not being able to have her live with me.... she has made me promise that if she has a stroke then she be put into a home. Daisy's blog came to mind, I remembered her once posting about her mum. so, I searched her blog for these words that I remembered. I needed some Daisy wisdom:
"my Mother has not adapted well to being a widow and that, combined with her illnesses, has left her with no joy in life and the feeling enough is enough and she is just treading water. Sad though this is, I am so appreciative of the doctor taking time to chat to me like that, and I just want to say to all of you who read my postings and are in the same position, please take those words to heart that the doctor told me. We are not cruel, we have done our best and there is NO need for guilt trips. "
Yesterday, she gave me a little gift that she had bought for Daisy. When Daisy passed, my mum cried with me.. She was so excited when Daisy helped find our Cornish roots. My mum is no saint, and as I have said before sometimes, she drives me mental... but I love her so much...
I am off again this afternoon to see her... I need to be close to her right now, for me... I need to tell her that I love her and that I will be ok. I need to hold her hand and cry..
*~* I hope your day is filled with butterflies, magick, colour & fripperies! ~*~