"She seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if she had surprised a butterfly in the Winter woods"
(edith wharton)

Saturday, 4 August 2007

I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine - she helps me grow, prosper, and reach great heights. ~Adabella Radici

Winter is back with a vengeance today... a bitterly cold wind is blowing outside, so there go my plans for being in the garden. Last Monday, my mum was taken to hospital early Monday morning after a weekend of shortness of breath and tightness in her chest...a suspected heart attack. She had an angiogram on Wednesday and we are at this moment, waiting for a decision from the heart specialist to see if she is able to have open heart bypass surgery.

I have been spending most of my time this week, driving to see her. It is a four hour round trip to see her.. I don't mind driving. I usually don't have music playing, but I spend the time thinking.. which I guess is sometimes not a good thing. Yesterday, the trip home, a usual 2 hour trip, took over 5 hours due to an oil spill on the mountain road... 5 fire brigades had to close the road while they mopped up..

* my mum & I taken about 2 years ago*

When I went yesterday to see her, she is sitting up in bed, worrying about all the other patients! Really, she must have a true strong Cornish heart.
a little teary and worried about me losing my mother.. she said to me, 'it is a different kind of grief losing your mother to when you lose your dad'... she is not worried at all about dying but worried that I will spend my time sitting by her bedside if she has a stroke, which there is a very high chance of happening if she has the operation due to her diabetes and family history. But if she opts not to have it, then she will progressively deteriorate and will most probably die of a massive heart attack. ... so we talked about that, as well as what she wants to happen when she dies, she wants to be cremated and put 'somewhere'.
... she gave me some jewellery for my girls and I did some reiki on her.... I took her a huge bunch of flowers from my garden - every single flower was out blooming, amazing. Snowdrops, daphne, roses, violets, lavender, feverfew... I am the eldest daughter, I have one sister who lives out in the country.
The emotions are so difficult, I know many of you will understand what I am going through... I feel a little guilty about not being able to have her live with me.... she has made me promise that if she has a stroke then she be put into a home. Daisy's blog came to mind, I remembered her once posting about her mum. so, I searched her blog for these words that I remembered. I needed some Daisy wisdom:

"my Mother has not adapted well to being a widow and that, combined with her illnesses, has left her with no joy in life and the feeling enough is enough and she is just treading water. Sad though this is, I am so appreciative of the doctor taking time to chat to me like that, and I just want to say to all of you who read my postings and are in the same position, please take those words to heart that the doctor told me. We are not cruel, we have done our best and there is NO need for guilt trips. "

Yesterday, she gave me a little gift that she had bought for Daisy. When Daisy passed, my mum cried with me.. She was so excited when Daisy helped find our Cornish roots. My mum is no saint, and as I have said before sometimes, she drives me mental... but I love her so much...

* taken on my deck last summer*

I am off again this afternoon to see her... I need to be close to her right now, for me... I need to tell her that I love her and that I will be ok. I need to hold her hand and cry..

*~* I hope your day is filled with butterflies, magick, colour & fripperies! ~*~


Blue said...

I love my mother so I know how you feel. I hope she gets well soon. She is definately strong too, that must be where you get it from.
All you can do is your best. Your mother will know that. xoxo
I like the photo of you with your mom....!

amelia said...

Lovely pic of you both. Stay as strong as you can....

Sheila said...

Losing your Mum is hard. I can attest to that.
You have the advantage of talking to her about what the future holds and spending time with her and she is lucid.
I'm sorry you are bearing much of this burden alone, I had my one sister to lean on. The youngest was of no use at all.
It is good that you have listened to her wishes about what she would like when the time comes. It is very important to her, even though it is hard for you.
Meanwhile, lets expect the best result possible and visualise her healthy and well once more.
You are both in my heart and prayers.
love and hugs

kim said...

Lighting my candle of hope for you mum.
I went through this last year with my daddy. 5 way bypass. Doing well.
This week it was with my step poppa. Just indigestion thank the goddesses!
Give your mum a big ol' american squeeze for me!

LisaOceandreamer said...

I am so sorry this is all happening. Right now this is my advice to you....What you are doing is vital, important and necessary. Talk to her, say all that is in your heart...let her tell you the same. All the while keep hope alive. Say I love you as often as possible. Hold her hand. Let her speak frank and honest....assure her no matter what you WILL be strong. It's hard being the only one..I know this.But for them, having that love, even from one, means everything.
Please email me anytime!
Sending you strength,hugs and love,

Garden girl said...

OH robyn, this post really upset me - as my mum died three mnonths ago. It really is hard all tis and she felt exactly the same as your mum when she lost my dad...the joy really went out of her life too.
hope your mum makes a recovery and that she goes ok in the OP!

Bimbimbie said...

Your mum sounds a real character, sitting in her bed concerned about her fellow patients and her daughter. I haven't yet stood where you are now but as I read I couldn't help thinking that this time is a special gift - both of you get to say and ask of one another what only a mother and daughter can ... Big hugs *!*

Peggy said...

Robyn, all the feelings from when mother was ill came rushing back reading your post. So glad you are able to talk with your mom and that she is talking about her fears and wishes. Will say a prayer for her recovery and for you to stay safe in your travels. Hugs my friend

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

Sending prayers your way, Robin, that you keep strong through this hard time.


Tracy said...

Praying for you & your mom, Robyn. I enjoyed seeing the photos of you both.

Sweetpea said...

I would hold your hand to if I could reach. I'm holding it out anyway! I truly understand this knowing what my mum went through with my Grandma and what we are going through since daidy left us. Also she would have given you those exact words that you showed. much much love and hugs xx

Julie Marie said...


I was in the middle of a long comment when Gracie pulled out the computer plug, which is a sign to me I shouldn't have been so wordy. Just know that I have been praying for your mum - and you - all week.



Sue said...

Oh Robyn, what a flippin year this has been! I just want you to know I am with you my sweet Earth Sister... Life doesn't always seem fair, but from this we will grow. I've lit a candle for you my sweet pea, and I'm stretching a hand out to hold.... have you got it?
Then I'm off to ring my mum...who like yours drives me mental sometimes :o)
Love and bright blessings,
sue xxx

A bird in the hand said...

Just remember you haven't lost her yet, and she may well go on for a long time. Holding you and your Mum in my thoughts with love and healing. xoxoxo

Lisa said...

Dear Robyn, how blessed your mom must feel to have you as a daughter. My love goes out to both of you.

Tinker said...

I'm keeping your mom - and you - in my thoughts and prayers, that all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well for you both, dear Robyn. Sending love and ((hugs)).

Carmen said...

I don't get to see pictures of you very often so this was a lovely surprise, a double one since your mum is there, too. Thanks Robin!