not good news week..

today I received a phone call from my Dr. I have a suspicious lump. the C letter has marked me again. to tell the truth I am in shock and numb. Next week I have an appt with a top breast specialist connected to the Breast Cancer institute of NSW to see what treatment I will need to have. They have not said it is cancer but they have suggested it could be. like I said I am in total shock and I am scared. what does one do when this happens again? how do I stop my mind from galloping away? trying to think positive but all I want to do right now is lie on Earth and cry my heart out. please, please hold my hand. be there for me.

the sacred in my simple day..today

this morning when i woke up, the sun was struggling to come through the clouds.. kind of mirroring how I was feeling. a little apprehensive with the events of the coming day.

gardenias picked from my garden. I have quite a few bushes in my little courtyard and the whole garden is perfumed by them at this time of year...

I started to wash up, trying to still the fear inside. trying to stay in the moment and not gallop into the Land of Whatifs..... then the text messages started to come on my phone

'hope the tests go good today, I will be thinking of you' ~ Caine
' mum, I love you!' Louisa
'good luck today' ~ Sophie

then Joe arrived home with a loaf of organic spelt and made me a simple egg sandwich for lunch.
in my world here at Inglewood, I am surrounded by angels. angels in the shape of my children... that is all one can ask for, is it not? [and dutch husband of course, but we all know he is my absolute guardian angel]

today I had tests done on the breast lump and it was not found! after a harrowing 40mins or so of the nurse going in and out with my scans.. Dr requiring even more.. me nearly on my knees in the room praying while I waited. topless. nurse coming back in.. 'we need another, there is a lump we want to take a closer look at just in case' [just incase? I thought to myself at this stage]... by this time my blood pressure must have been rising.. and the 'oh you have had a lump before.. and cancer too? - well with that history we must make sure that there is nothing sinister going on' [going on? thought to myself.. what the hell does that mean?]
after 4 scans, they finally got what they needed.. I still don't have all results back yet, but no biopsy had to be done so that is a good thing. .

thankyou for all your comments and emails.. it really does help to know that I am surrounded by angels on the internet too.

give it up for lent

I truly don't like having my photo taken. I do all manner of things to avoid it.
as the Lenten season begins, I start to wonder about giving something up for lent. I don't quite understand the whole concept of it but I feel drawn to participate in this tradition.

so what must I give up? [and please bare with me as I waffle on..you will see where i am going with this]

I was thinking coffee but I only have one a day.. and not chocolate ~ heaven forbid that! not alcohol or smoking because I do neither..so what to give up for lent? I sat in silence and as my mind started to wander as it does.. I kept thinking of how I am aging, how my nose is too bulbous. my tuckshop arms and my jowls that sag more and more each day. [yes, I am hard on myself]

note the turkey neck.. and the double chin & the nose, oh the nose.

I don't like my double chin or my wrinkles that are developing as I get older .. I sat, with my thoughts, criticising myself.
And then. the thought.. give up criticizing myself. that's it. for the whole time of this Lenten season I am going to stop criticizing myself . and not just for Lent.. I am going to stop this constant criticizing of self..
[yes, I am very critical of myself & I sound vain, which truly I am not]

I constantly pull funny faces when the camera points at me
so the deal is ~ I am going to fall in love with every single wrinkle, sagging jowls, turkey neck and double chins. even the hair that has started to sprout from that chin. fall in love with the lot. accept myself as perfect just the way I am. love every single cell, every single wrinkle.
and I am going to honour this body.. by eating well. eating even better than I do now. and I am going to limit chocolate, just limit it mind you.. because I am a woman of a certain age.. the words 'high cholesterol' loom on the horizon.. Dear God, you have given me jowls, turkey neck and bulbous nose and now you give me high cholesterol?.. don't you think that is a bit much for one girl to bear?

[& thank YOU for the continuing comments.. I am a little behind in visiting blogs.. the lump and blood results are playing on my mind]

Shrove Tuesday at Inglewood

yes, today is Pancake day or Fat Tuesday as it is called in France and I can see why.. if you go by what I ate for dinner tonight .. we went out to Pancakes on the Rocks.. with Sophie & boyfriend [the plumber]..

and of course we didn't just have one meal.. we had pancakes [potato pancakes no less] for dinner and crepes for dessert.. .. and now I will wear them on my double chin, [making that a triple], it will most probably end up on my jowls which i inherited from my Grandmother and most certainly arrive at various other places on my body - please God, don't let it go to my nose.. that is bulbous enough

[I think Fat Tuesday is the perfect name for this day. I will take it and run with the name next year] ..
tomorrow the beginning of Lent in the catholic church.. I must think of something to 'give up'. what do you think that will be ?

a simple night of love, getting lost in romance and lots of photos

The Everglades is not far from my home here in Woodford.. a short drive. the rain dripped in big droplets from the huge plane tree leaves as I got out of the car.. the mist made the beginning of my night seem like something out of England. so as you can imagine, I felt like I was in Heaven.

follow me.. I love misty mountain nights like this. where the mist is so thick it wets your face. I loved feeling like i had stepped back in time.. I tried so hard not to break into a run..

come on! I don't want to be late... give me the camera!

down the stairs, across the wet grass and past the vegie garden..

look at the vegetable garden.. my heart skipped a beat as I looked at Dutch husband. 22 years and we have never missed a Valentines dinner.

champagne cocktails were served at 6.30pm upstairs in the sitting room..[this volunteer wore an apron from the original household. she served champagne and cassis with blackberries from the garden]

as we chatted with other guests, we were serenaded by a violinist who was totally absorbed by his love of his music and his instrument.

before we went down to dinner, I had to take a quick peek into the bathroom. can you imagine having a bathroom like this. pure Art deco. and while that style is not a favourite of mine, I thought that this bathroom was just amazing. look at the tap spouts!

all the waitresses and the chef were volunteers. they call themselves 'Friends of Everglades' and hold functions such as the Valentines dinner to raise money for the upkeep of this piece of history in the Blue Mountains.. the table was set simply. nothing grand. pretty in pink.

after the main meal was finished, I took a walk outside.. I was inspired by the gorgeous pots of colour.. I could see these around our pool here at home. I love getting ideas from others and taking them and putting my twist and making them my own.

a simple dessert - chocolate brownie baked in a heart tin, served with a strawberry.

so that was our night. tomorrow is Shrove Tuesday which means Pancakes for dinner..